


When the Currents Take Us Out

by PersonablePerson



Series: We Never Needed Tethers, Only the Tide [1]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Barry Allen Works For The SCPD, Barry Merlyn is a bad communicator, Brotp, F/M, Grief, Growing Up, M/M, Origin Story, Pre-Canon, Tommy in Denial, Very light smut, What-If, apprentice Barry, pansexual Barry, time-lapse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-02-08 16:01:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 53,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12868056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PersonablePerson/pseuds/PersonablePerson
Summary: After the violent death of his wife, Malcolm Merlyn hoped to find his redemption by adopting a child. This child was also a victim of senseless violence. At first it didn't seem to change much, but then again maybe it changed everything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay this story ended up a bit longer than I planned. I just passed 50,000 words and I still have some beefing up to do. I'll be posting one chapter twice a week while I edit.

When Malcolm Merlyn returned to Starling City after training with the League of Assassins, he was different. Or at the very least he’d planned to be. He planned to change the lives of the needy and right the wrongs in his city. To rebuild the Glades in a better image. Over the course of 4 years he came to realize that his own son would never understand the choices he would have to make. That they would likely always be estranged. After all Tommy Merlyn was his mother’s child at heart.

There was one day in particular when Malcolm realized this. Small, seemingly insignificant. It was a rare night. A memory forever scented with licorice and alcohol snagged from the Queen wine cellar. 14-year-old Tommy had only one request for his birthday. To this day Malcolm still can’t quit recall what it was. Instead he remembers the silent backseat of a car. The way the rain dripped down the window his son lent his head against. The reflection of drop after drop rolling down Tommy’s face, similar to the words of admonishment that gradually decreased their fall from Malcolm’s lips. If Malcolm had to pinpoint a moment when he realized the chasm between his son and himself had become too great to cross. He’d paint a picture of his son ascending the stairs of the Merlyn mansion while he watched until he disappeared into the dim hallway. He’d see himself in his office that night a glass in his hand and the beginnings of his plans for the Glades in front of him.

A month and 17 days after that night, in a home in Central City senseless violence found another victim.  Malcolm happened to catch sight of the news out of the corner of his eye as he was leaving his home the next morning. Something must have possessed him for he found himself walking closer to the screen. Taking in the story of a young boy who watched his entire life fall apart before his eyes. Helpless and forever changed. Whatever inhabited his body that day held onto him. Led him to follow the story for weeks on end. He found himself thinking back to a day years ago when a doctor had told his wife and himself that they would not be able to have any more children, a month later he’d found Rebecca in the study, looking into adoption. Until the day she died Rebecca had a passion for helping those less fortunate. She’d grown attached to many of the homeless children she’d met in her line of work. The face of one in particular popped into Malcolm’s head only to be quickly pushed away and in its place the reminder of a box stashed in the closet of a bedroom he hadn’t stepped foot in for years.

After Rebecca’s death Malcolm had all of his things moved into a room on the opposite wing from the one he’d shared with his wife. He left her things there along with a box containing paperwork to become foster parents. They’d be far outdated and mostly unusable but an idea was forming. And when Malcolm Merlyn had a plan, he always followed through, by any means necessary.

Barry Allen was out of the West home in less than a month. A train ride sat next to the social worker he’d hoped he’d seen the last of, found him in Starling City. And soon pulling in front of a house bigger than any he’d ever stood in front of in his 11 years of life. He didn’t have long to take in the sight as he was ushered towards the front door. His social worker paused before ringing the bell. For the first time during their entire trip, she made eye contact. The sympathy in her eyes would have sent a shiver down his spine if he hadn’t already seen the greatest horror he could have imagined. While they waited her lips parted as if she was preparing to say something but before she could the door swung open. A man in a black tailored suit opened the door.

“Hello, I’m Clarissa Sanders. Mr. Merlyn is expecting us.”

“Yes he’s been waiting for you, right this way.”

Meeting Mr. Merlyn was strange. The way he watched Barry seemed almost expectant. Like he was looking for something in his voice when he introduced himself. But while his social worker took some time alone with Mr. Merlyn he found his way back to the parlor where they’d entered the home. He stood in the center of the room. Interested in everything around him but unwilling to touch or even stand too close. He found himself staring for a long moment at a painting mounted on one wall slightly down the opposite hall from where the meeting was going on. Slowly he approached it, the faces getting larger and larger. One was a face he’d met only half an hour prior. It was different though. In the painting he saw a light that seemed absent from the real Malcolm Merlyn. The next face that grabbed his attention was also familiar. Immediately after discovering the name of the person taking him in, with the help of Iris he’d done some investigating. The women in the painting was just as beautiful as she appeared in the pictures featured in the articles they’d found dating back 6 years. He didn’t have much time to take in the last one before a voice behind him startled him into attention.

The sight of the two teenagers behind him had Barry stumbling back a few steps into the side table behind him. Tommy Merlyn and Oliver Queen eyed him down. Oliver’s face was obviously curious whereas Tommy’s expression was a bit difficult to decipher.

“Hi I’m-.”

“Barry, my dad told me you were coming today.” The tone in the 15 year-old’s voice was just as hard to understand.

“Oh.”

“Is it true your dad killed your mom?” Tommy’s disbelief was clear in his expression when he slapped Oliver’s head with the back of his hand.

Before Barry could start in with the rebuttal he’d repeated an innumerable amount of times in the past month another voice joined the rather awkward conversation.

“Ah there you are Barry, I see you’ve met Tommy and his friend Oliver. Getting along well I hope?”

Though it was worded as a question, Barry got the feeling it was more of a command aimed at Tommy.

“Barry, your social worker wants a word with you before she leaves. When you’re done Andrew will show you to the dining room. Alright?”

Barry nodded and was led back to the entrance with a hand at his back. With a pat on the shoulder and one more thank you to Clarissa, Malcolm retreat towards the dining room. As soon as he was out of the room Clarissa addressed Barry.

“Now Barry, if there’s an issue you call me. No running away this time, okay?”

He nodded. For a moment she hesitated one hand twitching to reach out towards him before she seemed to change her mind and turned to leave. Barry stared after her for a moment contemplating what would come next.

“Is there a bathroom I could use?”

“Of course, right this way Mr. Allen.”

Barry followed quietly for only a few steps be for he turned tail straight for the door and out. The car Clarissa had taken to the train station was thankfully already gone. He didn’t know where he was headed to, his father in prison, back to the Wests, anywhere seemed better.

He didn’t make it off the property. At the first sight of the guards he’d forgotten were there when they first pulled in he turned right. He just kept running until he found trees. One in particular, a maple with low hanging branches, caught his eye. He made for it, not even pausing when he reached it before he scrambled his way up. Higher, and higher up the tree until he found a branch wide enough to rest on. He was tired, it had been a long day. From the moment Joe had coaxed him out of bed that morning to the tearful goodbye hugs from Iris. He tried, he really tried to understand how he’d ended up here but he just couldn’t. Couldn’t fathom how a mere 2 months ago he’d been a 10-year-old highly anticipating his 11th birthday. Searching his parents room for hints of a birthday present. And then days later…. He shivered, not only at the memory of his mother’s screams. The April air was chilly and he’d given his coat to the butler.

He knew he couldn’t stay in that tree for long, but when the voices of the teens he’d met earlier sounded from below them he held his breathe. They passed under him calling his name.

“Why are we even out here? Do you _feel_ how cold it is out here? Pretty sure the kids going to come back inside eventually. What’s he going to do? Hop the fence.” Oliver snorted at the mere thought of his own suggestion,

“You’d be surprised how dumb a kid whose mom just died could be.” Tommy muttered rolling his eyes.

“Is that why you’re so calm about this? You think you can relate to this kid?” While it sounded completely insensitive to Barry’s own ears, to Tommy it was just how Oliver talked.  


Tommy shrugged. He had plenty of opinions about his dad’s latest project. But couldn’t quite find it within himself to really get angry. After all, this kid had seen his mother murdered. He didn’t have to like the kid, or even want him around. But he couldn’t find reason to hate him or be unnecessarily rude. Oliver would probably have that covered if their earlier conversation with the kid was anything to go by.

It was as they were turning to double back that they caught sight of a small figure making their way down from a tree up ahead. Oliver and Tommy made wide eye contact for a moment before they jogged over just in time to catch the kid as he slipped down back to the ground.

“What are they feeding the squirrels these days Tommy? This one’s huge.”

Tommy rolled his eyes and raised an eyebrow at Barry. Barry didn’t do more than nod when Tommy asked if he was ready to come back to the house. He knew he could probably outrun them; he was good at that. But he also knew there wasn’t anywhere for him to go, for now anyways.

Barry wasn’t quite sure what he expected dinner with one of the wealthiest families in Starling City to be like. He definitely hadn’t expected Mr. Merlyn to ask him so many questions. While Barry described the Science Project Joe had convinced him to start working on after the first few times he ran away, Tommy and Oliver mostly maintained interested expressions. Mostly, being that every once in while he caught Tommy rolling his eyes out of the quarter of his eye. Even Oliver hid a subtle snort in his glass at one point. Though it surprised Barry that he made no comment. The other boy had given him an impression similar to some of the kids at school he tended to avoid. Money seemed to add a layer to people like Oliver queen and Tony Woodward. Something he would grow to learn once he started school at Starling Prep Academy.

If Barry had thought public school kids could be awful, he was really unprepared for how harsh private school kids were. These kids were manipulative in a way Tony Woodward wasn’t capable of. One in particular, Charlie Maslow, took a great deal of Joy in goading Barry with taunts about him being a charity case and not belonging there. Those insults slipped right off his back, and it didn’t take Charlie long to find where his weak spots really were. One day during passing period Charlie and his friends cornered him in the hall.

“So Allen word on the street is you're completely nutso. Which got me thinking, what if you were in on it? So did you do it. Did you help your daddy stab your mommy in the heart?” All Barry saw after that was streaks of red fury that turned to the blood of split lips and bloodied noses.

“Kids can be cruel.” Malcolm had told him later that day after his broken arm had been reset. He pulled up the chair next to the hospital bed.

“Barry, I’m not going to condone fighting. But-. 5 against in one is hardly a fair fight, especially when you can’t defend yourself.”

It was a rarity that Barry ever looked him in the eye. There was a darkness deep in there that reminded Barry a bit of the people he saw walking through the police station on days he’d convinced Joe to let him hang out a bit after school. And not the ones with badges. He tried not to think that way. He didn’t want to think that way. Mr. Merlyn had yet to do anything that made him think he was a criminal. He told himself it was just the way he saw the world now. A world where he’d seen his mom murdered yet no-one believed what he saw. A world where his father sat in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. That being said he looked Malcolm in the eyes this time. Confusion in his gaze.

“How would you like to learn some self-defense?”

Before getting the news that he was being taken in by another family Barry had been trying to build up the courage to ask Joe to teach him. Now the opportunity was right in front of him and there was no way he’d turn it down. Which is how weeks later he had his first lesson. The class was fairly small, clearly reserved for students of a certain social standing. Barry did his best not to feel too out of place. They were all there for the same reason as him if not along the same lines.

Barry’s learning curve in school had always been a bit steeper than some of his classmates. When it came to sports however, unless it was running, he dragged behind quite a bit. Barry was a logical child; in his mind he knew it wasn’t like in the movies. It would take time to learn even what seemed to be simple maneuvers. Not to mention his form was rather weak, something his classmates whispered at. But every night at dinner when Malcolm would ask how practice was going he’d gloss over details. Tell him he was improving, and thank him once again for letting him try.

Things continued in a cycle of school, practice, homework, dinner and reports to Malcolm until mid-June. The last day of school to be exact. Barry got home from practice in the town car he’d grown accustomed to, accompanied by Andrew, another fixture he’d grown accustomed to. During dinner he gave the same report he always gave. Though unlike previous nights when Malcolm seemed pleased, he only hummed before turning to Tommy to question him about what he should expect next week in the form of his report card. When Malcolm zeroed in on the fact that among his A’s there was a lonely B- in Chemistry Barry tried to make himself smaller hoping to sink through the chair. Tommy barely reacted as if familiar with this routine. Mid-argument, in which Tommy was starting to get irritated at his father who’d started in on questioning Tommy’s dedication to school, even bringing up Oliver and someone named Lance he’d apparently been spending time with. He knew it was rude, fully expected to be reprimanded for it later. But he also couldn’t sit in the middle of their argument any longer. Quietly and carefully he slipped away from the table and up to his room.

Barry’s bedroom was very different from the one he’d lived in back home. Sure there were a few science posters here and there. A shelf full of supplies. But that’s where the similarities ended. The wooden IKEA desk was replaced with a sturdier one of mahogany. No twin sized bed. Instead a full sized, laying across it felt more like laying on island. Fitting really, Barry had been living on an island for a long time now. A big city, an ocean around him where all he could see was a horizon where everyone calmly sailed but he could never reach. He contemplated the box under his bed. One containing everything he knew about the death of his mother, plus more. Articles he’d collected over the last 3 and ½ months. Articles detailing the impossible and unbelievable. He was contemplating pulling it out when a knock sounded at his door.

“Come in!”

Malcolm Merlyn came walking through his bedroom door.

“I spoke with your instructor today.”

“Please don’t make me quit. I’ll do better! I’ll try harder! I promise I-.”

“Barry, relax. I’m not going to make you quit. Your instructor did recommend that you take some extra lessons which I’m more than happy to set up. Set your alarm for 6:00 am. I want you downstairs and ready to go by 8:00.”

He walked back out the door but before he finished shutting it he paused.

“Oh and Barry. Please remember to excuse yourself before leaving the dinner table.”

“Yes sir.”

“Goodnight Barry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited


	2. Summer 2000

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel I should clarify something. This story is a set-up for a series I'm working on. I'd initially planned to do the first chapter as Barry being adopted and then fast forward into the first season of Arrow. But I decided I needed to zoom in on what's going to lead Barry to become who he is in that series as well as give a general idea of what Barry's life was like growing up in Starling.

The next morning Barry was finishing a breakfast put together by the Kitchen staff when Malcolm came down the stairs. He noticed him dressed in workout gear similar to the ones Barry had put on that morning. Once Malcolm had signed him up with classes he’d proceeded to by him everything he would need including numerous tracksuits, shorts, and t-shirts. Today, not knowing what to expect he’d worn a blue track suit. Malcolm’s was all black.

Still unsure of what Malcolm had planned for the day he followed Malcolm out the front door only to be floored when he said, “first, we run.”

“Um. Okay.” Barry blinked, unsure but not questioning. And just like that Malcolm took off. Barry only blinked for a second before taking off after him. What came next was a long run in the direction Barry had taken his first day. Only they kept going. Malcolm was fast and Barry struggled a bit to keep up with him. Having no idea that Malcolm was actually holding back. One day he wouldn’t but for now he paced himself. Though Barry kept up surprisingly better than he thought he would. By the time they’d made it to their destination, a medium sized building on the edge of the property, Barry was winded but overall he’d held up well. He was pretty sure it had to do with the bullying the kid endured in school but he didn’t mention it. Instead he commended him with a good job and punched in a key-code on a pad next to a rather large black door. The door slid open and he gestured the kid inside. Slowly, curiously, Barry entered.

Inside the room was large though the layout was simple. Mostly Sparring mats with equipment Barry wouldn’t be using for a while pushed against the walls. There were doors along the back-wall. Though one was blocked peculiarly by a few sparring dummies. The awe in Barry’s voice when he spoke was palpable.

“Is all this for-.”

“For practice. Every Monday and Wednesday, opposite the days at the center, we’ll start the morning with a run down here and work on the things you struggle with in practice. You will not be late as you seem to have a talent for.”

Barry blushed but nodded.

“Now let’s start by working on your form.”

They worked for about an hour and a half. Malcolm critiquing his positions and stance. He demonstrated and then helped re position him. Eventually he said “That’s enough for now.” Barry thankfully let himself fall to the mats with a sigh. Sitting with his legs sprawled in front of him he watched Malcolm disappear through one of the doors and then return with two water bottles. He guzzled at it for a minute while Malcolm sipped at his before setting it aside.

“Alright, stand up.” Barry did as was asked, internally groaning in exhaustion when Malcolm took off his jacket and tossed it next to his water bottle.

“Let’s see what you learned. Come at me.”

He hesitated, after an hour and a half he had no doubts Mr. Merlyn knew what he was doing but there was no way he could just attack him.

Malcolm swung at him. It was high arcing and unlikely to even brush his hair, still, instinctively he found his head dodging to the left. Malcolm smiled faintly for only half a second before following up with yet another swing. Barry dodged swing after swing and eventually kicks that came a bit too close for comfort. In the back of his mind he realized Malcolm wasn’t truly aiming for him. It was almost comforting, at least enough that his movements became less panicked and more sure. At least until the small encouragements Malcolm had been giving him turned to warning. “You’re backing yourself into a corner Barry what do you do next?”

Barry continued his dodging, panic once again growing. Duck, dodge, twist the words of his instructor were suddenly in his head. “Look for an opening and then-.”

Malcolm grunted almost not expecting the jab to his solar-plexus. Not quite a direct hit but a step up from running. There was hope for the kid yet. He took a step back and nodded taking note of the way the kid was panting clearly quite exhausted.

“That’s enough for tonight.”

“Mr. Merlyn I’m sorry!” Malcolm did his best not to grimace.

“You did well today Barry. Now we’ll go back to the house so you can shower and then go enjoy your first day of summer.”

The entirety of Barry’s summer that year mostly consisted of tip toeing around his new foster brother, which wasn’t that hard really, and training. Between the self-defense class and extra lessons with Malcolm he was kept pretty busy. It wasn’t as if he really had any friends in Starling yet so in his free time he was either researching the strange and unusual or talking to Iris. Most of their conversations revolved around what it was like living with the Merlyn’s and what Oliver Queen was like. Barry had yet to spend much time around Oliver. There was once on the 4th of July when they allowed him to tag along when they set off fireworks in front of one of their so called friend’s house. One thing Barry noticed was that they were only fiercely loyal to each other. There were others that came around once in a while and before Barry would be shooed out of the way he took notice of the fact that it was rarely the same people twice and even in a group the duo stood slightly apart from everyone else. For Barry Iris had always been his only close friend mostly because everyone else treated him like a freak or avoided him to avoid being targeted. He knew it probably wasn’t the same for Tommy and Oliver but he could understand a bond like that. It made him rather homesick for his life in Central City.

As the days passed and July turned into August Barry found himself improving a great deal. He even told Iris about training with Malcolm and his suspicions that his foster father was actually an ancient Samurai. Iris had her doubts but she humored him most days. By the time Summer came to a close Barry was actually excited to be going back to school. Despite his penitence for getting into fights be it protecting another kid or him being bullied, Barry loved to learn, and that year he would finally be taking advanced Chemistry, thanks to Malcolm pulling a few strings so he could test in. It wasn’t offered at his old school. Beyond that all the training over the Summer had helped to renew just a little bit of his confidence. It was difficult though, thinking about a first day of school without his parents to see him off. He tried not to think about it too much but it would hit him suddenly and he’d feel his whole day coming down.

The day before his first day of school he gave into his urge to see his father. Once he was dropped off at his training class he went inside like he normally did but instead of going off to his usual class he loitered near the front desk for a few minutes. Second guessing before steeling himself and marching off to where he knew there was a back door as he’d seen maintenance come through there before. Maintenance didn’t usually come around until he was leaving after practice. He slipped out the door without notice.

Every once in a while Henry Allen would take his son into Starling City for a medical conference. Barry was always such a sweet child and no one ever complained about having such a curious and bright young child around. Even before he’d moved to Starling he was familiar with the bus and train system. Finding his way to Iron Heights was easy, especially given how many times he’d run away from Joe’s to come there after his mom died. Getting in to see his dad was easy as well the woman running front security was already familiar with him, everyone working there was really.

Sitting in front of his father was a relief just as much as it was painful. But when Henry smiled and said “Hey Slugger” he felt a small sense of calm within him that he hadn’t known was missing. Later that night he would get a scolding from Malcolm and be made to promise to at the very least allow Andrew to take him next time and not on at the expense of his classes. It was worth it though. To get to talk to his father and tell him about his new life. To tell him how much he missed him and his mother. And when Henry wished him a good first day of school, it wasn’t the same as him and his mother waving him off had in hand while the school bus pulled away, but the love in his face was the same and that would have to be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited


	3. 2002

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's technically a new week and that last chapter was short

Tommy didn’t make a habit of waking up any earlier than he needed to. But today he had plans. It was the first day of Senior year after all and he and Oliver had something big planned. They wouldn’t be Tommy and Oliver if they didn’t. This year was going off with a bang and nothing would get in the way. Not even his adopted little brother, now 13 to his 17, would get in the way. It was weird how they’d all adjusted to this new normal over the past 2 years. Barry himself was odd, and many of his quirks took some getting used to. Tommy would be lying if he said the kid’s tendency to ramble on about things that really only interested him wasn’t annoying. If he was honest that entire first year he’d had to fight his own irritation more times than he could count. Especially the first time he’d noticed what he was seeing through the open curtains of his bedroom window. Barry and his father taking off for their morning run. They did it at least 4 times a week these days. The first time he’d seen them was mid-summer 2 years ago.

He never would have normally been up that early in the morning but he’d been sneaking back into the house after crashing at Oliver’s. The night before was a blur of alcohol and grinding bodies. Pounding music and the home of Carol Mathews. Or her parent’s home anyways. Given what the large Victorian had looked like when they left, he didn’t doubt Carol would find herself in boarding school next year. It seemed to be going around as when they got pack to Oliver’s, his best friend flopped still a little tipsy onto the bed.

“My parents want to send me away. Some bullshit about me heading down an ugly path this summer. ‘it’s unsightly’ mom says.”

Tommy huffed and snorted at all the right times. In his own mind the image of his own mother. One faded and almost as unfamiliar as it was familiar. He couldn’t remember what she sounded like. The thought hit him like a bus slamming into him without a thought. Like roadkill. Tossed to the side while everyone else moved on with their lives. Left for some poor unfortunate soul to clean up. These days he was surprised he remembered what his father sounded like. The days he heard it, it was mostly directed towards Barry. Tommy was doing his absolute best not to hate the kid. But some days it was hard. On the rare days his father would address him only to bombard him questions regarding his future. Most of which he still didn’t know the answer to. He knew what was expected of him. For him to one day go to work for his father and eventually take over the company. Crouched in the bushes watching his dad and Barry making their way back to the house a different future flashed in front of his eyes.

An image of an older Barry in a suit standing at his father’s side being introduced into his father’s circle. He tried to shake it off. But over the next year it became a common feature in his mind. He didn’t let those thoughts simmer for much longer. Today was his day. And Oliver’s of course. He turned away from the window and made his way down the stairs only pausing to grab his backpack.

“I’m having breakfast with Oliver and Laurel.”

“What’s the rush? First day back, why don’t you have breakfast with Barry and I?”

Tommy looked back taking note of his father’s hand on Barry’s shoulder. Barry’s own eyes stared up hopefully. Obvious freshman nerves. His eyes went back to his father’s hand and narrowed,

“Pass.” He replied and then pulled the door open behind himself and stepping out.

How Oliver and Tommy had managed to swap all the juice bottles in the lunchroom with liquor would remain one of the biggest mysteries on campus for decades to come. There was suspicion of course that the lance girl had something to do with why students were swapping rum, champagne and tequila all day. There was never any proof.

 

 

Attending high-school with Tommy didn’t do much to help the gaping unspoken boundary between the two of them. It was true every once and awhile he would tag along on his and Oliver’s adventures. Mostly to try and talk them out of their plots, but still. It was really only allowed on days Oliver felt a bit bored. At the very least, the relation kept the bullies away for the most part. Every once in a while they’d get the jump on him in secret. Barry still preferred evasive tactics over offence or even defense. Some of the students saw him as a challenge. How could they get to him without Tommy and Oliver finding out. Barry tried his best to stay under the radar. But over the past 2 years’ students had gotten really creative. The gossip train had warped his story to the point he’d barely recognize it if he didn’t know. Not that the lack of credibility mattered to anyone. It was something to talk about. If people weren’t talking about Tommy and Oliver’s shenanigans it was about Barry. The fan favorite being his supposed insanity. Barry the manic Merlyn was hardly creative. Especially considering he hadn’t actually changed his last name. He was still an Allen and would remain one. This he also told his own father when he managed to slip away from Andrew long enough to catch a car to Iron Heights. The size of his allowance had its benefits.

It was the that same year that Barry first met Sara Lance. Laurel’s younger sister and two years his Senior. They got along surprisingly well. They were “invited” to tag along with both their siblings to Oliver’s place all home for the summer. Really they were relegated to the home theater while the others did whatever it is they’d initially planned.

Sara was nice if not a little obsessed with Oliver. She also worshipped her sister. Barry hadn’t spent much time around the other Lance, usually he was only allowed to hang with his adoptive brother and Oliver when she couldn’t come along. Barry had caught on pretty soon that their father, officer Lance, wasn’t a fan of the Queens or the Merlyns. It was abundantly clear on one of those rare occasions he’d been around with Laurel. Not even an hour after they’d all sat down in a Big Belly Burger across town her father showed up. She’d gotten up fully ready to argue in front of everyone when Oliver stood as well. Trying with charisma Barry had started to believe could get Oliver out of trouble with all adults. He learned that day that there was at least one exception. Officer Lance glared at him for a second even using a move he’d seen Joe use a few times to subtly brush his jacket back and flash his gun. Oliver backed down, hands raised and smirk still in place. He returned to his seat though his eyes didn’t leave Mr. Lance.

“Recruiting them a little young aren’t yah Queen? How old is this kid? 9?”

“He’s 15.” Tommy spoke up this time.

“I better not catch him any bars with you two. Get some better friends kid. Let’s go Laurel.”

It actually surprised Barry that there was anyone in Starling who didn’t know about him yet. Following that awful night, he’d been the source of a lot of gossip in Central. When he’d been officially adopted (and how it stung that his father signed those papers) by Malcolm Merlyn of all people, reporters began coming out of the wood work. All wanting a piece of his story, a picture or an interview.

Laurel sent a sympathetic look his way before following after her father with merely a quick peck to Oliver’s cheek. Later she’d explain to her father exactly who Barry was. The next time he saw the kid, funnily enough in a bar with Oliver and Tommy, he chose to drag them all out with a warning, not even reaching for his cuffs to threaten them.

 

The first time Sara Lance tracked him down to an empty classroom during lunch he was startled to say the least. But it eventually became a routine. She would go on about the latest gossip or whatever boy had caught her attention recently. When Barry first started his Freshman year, he’d still been keeping up with Iris. Somewhere along the line her calls came less and less. No emails or messages on Myspace. Just silence. He’d been down-hearted for weeks. Distracted in his training. Each year Malcolm held back less and less. Normally he avoided to many bruises but the day Sara finally confronted him about his off mood his left side was looking pretty green. She’d wheedled him all day. Even going as far as to sit in one of his classes despite protests from the teacher and empty threats to call the principal. Eventually she wore him down.

He found himself opening up to her about more than just Iris and the crush he harbored for her. He told her about his father and how he would sneak off to visit him. For the first time someone didn’t look at him with concern in their eyes when he claimed his father’s innocence. It was almost as if she believed him. Or at the very least she wanted to. That in itself was what really endeared her to Barry. When Tommy would go to greet Barry in his room he was half surprised to see Sara Lance laying on her stomach, head resting on her arms at the foot of the bed while Barry sat on the floor just to the right of he so she could look over his shoulder while he read from one of his journals crammed full of weird articles and notes.


	4. Chapter 4

Barry had always had a brightness in him that could bring out the light in others. Since losing his family that light had dimmed. Sparks of it shown out over the years. When he was training with Malcolm and he’d finally get the hang of something. When his chemistry teacher allowed him to be his TA. Times when he and Tommy got along and he allowed himself to get involved in the mischief. There was no doubt that the person who could bring the most light to his eyes was Sara. They shared ambition, maybe not for the same things but they both felt it. A desire to see they were wills come to life. They were also both impulsive and more often than not that led them to some rather interesting situations. Even when he was a freshman and her a sophomore they could almost always convince the other to go along.

“So I heard this rumor going around lately…” Barry spun around in his desk chair absently head back in his computer chair. “Yeah?” he asked.

“There’s been something weird going on at that old saw mill you know, the one down on pike?”

“You do realize that’s the start of like every bad horror movie from the 80’s right?” He stopped and propped his arm tiredly on his desk.

“But wait until you hear-.”

“Hey Barry!” Tommy came bursting in Oliver hanging back to lean against the door frame. Like swapping places, while Tommy drew Barry into a conversation Sara meandered over to the other Senior. Barry couldn’t stop himself watching as Sara smiled at Oliver the way he’d seen her smile at Charlie Maslow, or she did until she found out how he treated Barry. So distracted by Sara’s attempts Barry only heard the words “Molotov Cocktail” and “without flames” . Embarrassed over zoning out Barry figured it was best to just go with it rather than question why they were discussing easy explosives.

“You know if you think those are cool you should also look into acetone peroxide explosions. Now those can go off under water. You can literally make it with stuff in the bathroom cabinet.”

“Perfect! I mean interesting, I think that might be just what we need for our report, do you think you could help me with a little lab right up, nothing fancy just you know the steps and how much.”

Barry glanced over at where Oliver was now leaning closer towards Sara full attention on whatever she was regaling him with.

“Uh sure.” Barry tore out a blank piece of paper from his notebook and picked up the pencil he’d tossed aside earlier. Once Barry was done talking Tommy through the experiment he seemed to hurry back out the rom dragging Oliver with him. Shaking his head in confusion he turned to Sara who’d plopped back down at the end of his bed.

“So about this saw mill, what exactly has been going on over there?” Sara grinned and Barry tried to convince himself that his heart was stuttering because he was excited over where they would most likely end up.

It took an hour and a half for them to get their “Mystery Gear” together, as Sara liked to call it, and then ditch Andrew so they could catch the city bus. Their gear was really just two flashlights, a camera, an EMF reader Barry had ordered from a magazine, and the nun chucks Barry “sorta kinda” knew how to use.

“Do you ever wonder why people who sneak into abandoned places that sound like power tools, never do it in the day time?”

Sara looked up at Barry from the ground when he stopped at the top of a metal fence. He’d insisted on going first, getting up a fence was always easier than getting down and this way he could help her if she had trouble.

“Having second thoughts Doogie?”

“Have you been watching that old TV show again?” He punctuated his question with a leap to the ground and nodded at her to follow.

“I like it and the nickname is fitting.” She climbed over with the same practiced ease she always did only stumbling a little on the landing. Barry huffed even though he’d already given up trying to convince her to stop calling him that months ago.

They started making their way towards the building but Barry’s phone rang and he paused to check it. It was Tommy.

“Uh hey Tommy what’s up?”

“About that experiment, you said this stuff could be found in the bathroom cupboard but I can’t find, um where exactly would acetone be?”

“Well there’s actually a couple common household chemicals that-“

“I really just need one, sorry I just really need to get this done fast.” Speaking of fast Sara was waving at him from the entrance to hurry up.

“Nail polish remover.”

“Huh?”

“Nail polish remover is a pretty common one and can be pretty concentrated.”

“Kay thanks.” And the line cut off.

“You’re welcome.” Barry spoke to the silence before it was broken by Sara calling out to him and he hurried to catch up.

The rumors that the saw mill was spooked turned out to be disappointingly false. The real news the Monday following was that Charles Maslow’s parents had sent him to military school. Sara told him this gleefully while they had lunch in the classroom that had become their spot.

“Not that I’m complaining but what did he do? Besides being the biggest douche of the century of course.”

“Apparently he ruined his parents weekend auction, somehow he made the fountain splash over all their guests like the water just exploded upward all over them.” Barry snorted because it didn’t sound like Charlie at all. It sounded like something Oliver and Tommy would do. He froze mid chew because there was no way. Sure they glared at Charlie whenever they caught him starting to move in his direction but they’d always told him to just to ignore the insults. Then again for the first time since middle school Barry came home with a split lip the previous Thursday. It was cheap shot and the only one Charlie had gotten in but Barry was the only one with a visible mark. Still Barry doubted they’d go through that much trouble for him it had to have been a coincidence. All the same later that day when Barry found Tommy eating some of Edith the chef’s homemade ice-cream Barry couldn’t resist asking.

“Did you do it?”

“Do what?” Tommy asked before shoveling another scoop into his mouth and reaching for a pack of cookies.

“Did you put a hydrogen peroxide bomb in Chance Maslow’s fountain?”

“Technically it’s his parents fountain.”  
“Tommy.”

“And technically there was three bombs.” Barry’s eyes widened.

“They were small, and we followed your instruction to a tea and the fountain itself is perfectly fine, barely a scratch on it.”

“You said it was for an assignment!”

“It was an assignment I assigned myself the duty of-.”

“It’s not your duty to protect me, I can fend for myself.”

“Yes it is.”

“What?”

Tommy dropped his spoon and looked at Barry with absolute seriousness. “I don’t care if you know kung foo or whatever it is that they teach you in those classes. You’re my br-  you’re family and I’m going to look out for you so just deal with it.”

Barry felt a warmth in his chest at Tommy calling him his family. He didn’t even notice he’d started to smile despite the fact that he was still annoyed.

“Now enough of this sappy shit just get a bowl and eat some ice-cream.”

 

It became a common thing after a while. Someone would get up the nerve to bully Barry and suddenly end up with blue hair that wouldn’t fade despite how hard they tried to wash it out. Unfortunately, colored hair was against school rules at the time and they were sent home with the option to either shave it off or come back when it was gone. The option was really taken out of there hands when the hydrophobic layer finally came off and they ended up with an itching sensation that seemed very similar to the results of the itching powder they’d filled Barry’s gym locker with had.

Barry might have helped a little behind the scenes, asking as few questions as he could for plausible deniability. But he never participated in the act of implementing whatever concoctions he put together for Tommy and Oliver. There was one exception. It was during his sophomore year and Tommy had already graduated. That summer Barry had come out as pan to his friends and family. Malcolm had seemed unsurprised and took it in stride. Tommy didn't make a big deal of it. And Sara was mostly just curious. She had a lot of questions and Barry had no problem answering most of the time. In the middle of the following fall he went on his first date with a boy. It was a bit awkward at first but in the end Barry had a lot of fun. Sara was waiting when he got home for him to tell her all about it and the kiss they’d shared before Andrew dropped them off. But when he went back to school the next day he was heartbroken over the fact that Mathew, his date seemed to be avoiding him. He found out later that it seemed while bullies had learned to leave him alone they had no qualms about attacking others especially if they could hurt Barry indirectly. When he saw the homophobic slurs all over Mathews locker he was furious. 2 days later 3 of his former tormentors opened their locker to be covered in oobleck.

Barry and Mathew stayed together for a whole two months afterwards. But they were young and often Barry had spotlight on him, high school was rough enough as it was without the added pressures. The break up was messy but Sara was there for him. Somehow she even convinced him to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with her though they really ended up ditching out half way through and going back to the mansion. That night she finally convinced him to watch “Doogie Howser” with her. He still wasn’t a fan of the nickname but he could accept it. Only from the one person who seemed just crazy enough to understand him in ways few ever could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not 100 percent content with this chapter. There's parts of it that I had to cut out for the sake of the flow of the story. But I'm worried it makes it feel a little impersonal now. Tell me what you think in the comments. Thanks for reading!


	5. 2007

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourself

Two years later Barry would say goodbye to his best friend when he got early admissions to a Forensic Science program and she whispered her secret plans in his ear. Two years later Barry would arrive at his dorm excited to call his best friend and gush about his new surroundings. Two years later he would see the news playing in the dorm common room. He would watch a news anchor deliver the news that Oliver Queen was declared missing and likely deceased. He would lock himself in his dorm room for a week. No one came for him the first week. Nor the second. It was the third when it came out about Sara’s betrayal to her sister. It was the third week when Tommy showed up in his dorm. Looking as broken Barry felt. Few times since they’d become a family had Tommy embrace his little brother. He found himself clinging harder to him and Barry clinging in return. Both of them hoping the other would hold them together as they mourned their losses.

 

Barry managed to get away with skipping Thanksgiving by telling Malcom he was spending the holiday with a girl he was dating. At the time he wasn’t actually dating anyone. Luckily Annalise, his Chem lab partner and himself had actually gotten along pretty well. One weekend in particular she convinced him to the fairs last day in town. He’d hesitated at first not really interested in making new friends so soon after losing Sara. She’d actually been trying to convince him to hang out since the third week of the quarter. Every time before that he’d politely refused with excuses about papers he needed to write. He’d been lost in thought, walking across campus towards the canteen when her heard a ring tone. A very familiar ring tone that brought back memories of the back of a town car. _Sara complaining about her Calculus tutor and the way half the time he was too busy looking at her like he wanted to eat her to help her learn anything. Barry had been considering offering to tutor her himself right before her ringtone went off. His offer turned into a snort of laughter and he raised an eyebrow asking her “Really?”._

_She didn’t seem the least bit ruffled by his judgement. Grinning in fact only for her nose to wrinkle a bit when she saw the caller id. She answered the phone with a “hi daddy”. Barry could hear Mr. Lances voice through the speaker but politely tuned it out to stare out the window. By the time she got off the phone Barry had zoned out. Sara tapping him on the shoulder brought him back and he turned to her apologetic face. Her blonde hair falling into her face a bit and he suddenly felt the urge to brush it back with his hand. He was so busy trying to stamp down that urge that he almost missed her next words._

_“I forgot my aunt was coming into town today, mom’s insisting on a family dinner tonight. I hate to cancel are plans Doogy but-.”_

_“It’s alright. Andrew would you mind dropping Sara at home?”_

_Having made the trip many of times Andrew simply replied with “Of course Mr. Allen.” Barry had yet to convince Andrew to call him by his first time. He’d given up when he’d seen Andrews mouth twitch what had to be the 30 th time Barry suggested it. Andrew it turned out had a funny sense of humor. Probably why they got along so well. Sara would chalk it up to the fact that he’s Barry, always insisting that anyone who takes the time to get to know Barry loves him. Barry himself had many examples to offer up to the contrary but he never brought them up always choosing to change the direction of the conversation. One sure way was always to bring up Oliver. _

With that thought he snapped back to the present. Annalise was standing in front of him clearly waiting for a response to something. Her big brown eyes expectant.

“Um, yeah sure.”

“Awesome! I was thinking we can leave around two to beat the crowd.”

Barry wasn’t the type of person to snatch back his yes. Especially not when the smile on her face was that bright. Her freckles looked lovely with the light in her eyes. Her beautiful curly brown hair just reached her shoulders. He decided maybe he didn’t have to be quite so alone. Sara wouldn’t want him to be.

Barry had forgotten how much he used to enjoy the fair. The bright lights everywhere. Bubbles and the smell of cotton candy and fried food mixed in a unique but surprisingly pleasant way. He smiled at the young woman standing next to him. When she linked her arm with his he flinched for a moment and she went to pull back but he shook his head wrapping an arm around her shoulder wrapping an arm around her shoulder. Later that night they’d be standing in an endless line for a rollercoaster. Barry found himself more relaxed then he’d been in weeks. There was still pain in his heart and he knew there always would be. But when he leaned down to kiss her he couldn’t help but feel a new spark of hope. They broke apart when they heard the complaints of the people behind them. Disentangling themselves enough to close the gap between themselves and the people ahead of them. Both their faces were a little red while the muttered their apologies.

Their relationship progressed pretty fast after that. So later when the time for Christmas came along and Malcolm insisted that he invite her to Starling for a few days of vacation he found himself with a dilemma. On the one hand he couldn’t see himself lying to Malcolm again, but he had no intention of returning to Starling for as long as he could avoid it. He knew Annalise wouldn’t say no if he asked her, especially because he’d avoided telling her too much about his life before college. She knew he was adopted and that he had an adoptive older brother. She knew that of his biological mother was dead but kept details about his father and why he hadn’t lived with him out. She’d respected his desire not to talk about it and didn’t bring it up often.  

His first attempt to get out of visiting for Christmas involved a call to Tommy. He and Tommy still didn’t have the best relationship but they at least made attempts to reach out to each other. He hadn’t expected Tommy to against him skipping coming home for Christmas.

“You’re going to have to come back eventually Barry. Why not just get it over with? It’s way worse in your head than it is in reality.”

“Did your shrink tell you that?”

“No it was yours.”

Coming from anyone else he might have been offended but from the one person he knew could understand what he felt it held no sting. He snorted but when the humor he felt faded he found himself asking, “How do you do it?”.

“How do we move forward from anything Barry? We just do.”

“Helpful.”

“You know me, Tommy Merlyn life coach.”

Barry rolled his eyes but eventually agreed to come home for Christmas. Which is how he found himself now standing outside waiting for a car to take him to the train station. Annalise would come the second day after Christmas and stay for New Years.

 

Surprisingly since becoming part of the Merlyn family Barry for the most part managed to stay out of the press as associated with Tommy and Oliver. Any article involving him usually turned to a piece about how he was an orphan with a “violent and heartbreaking past.” Though after the first year he saw significantly less and not because the house staff hid the newspaper articles from him. He suspected Malcolm was paying off the news reporters but he’d never asked. It wasn’t as if the newspapers making money by exploiting his past wasn’t something that turned his stomach.

All things considered he still should have seen it coming. Should have expected the swarm of reporters waiting outside the train station. He was so exhausted he didn’t think twice about the extra escorts that took to his side along with Andrew only declining their offer to carry his shoulder bag that had become ever present over the first month. The moment he stepped outside he was blinded by a flash of lights in a way he hadn’t been since the cities papers had first discovered who he was. He was bombarded from every direction. Loud voices in his hears. His extra body guards as he now recognized them did their absolute best to push them back so Barry could get to the car. Andrew stayed close to his side, a familiar figure in a crowd of strangers all reaching for him with his and cameras.

“Is it true you had a relationship with Sara Lance?!”

“How do you feel in the wake of her death? Did she choose Oliver?”

“Come on Barry you used to be a common person just like us. Just give us one statement, yeah?”

“Barry Merlyn!” That name had him pausing. It was a short pause but just enough to cause him to stumble into one of the guards causing a ripple in the circle around him. A reporter just managed to weasel their way into their circle. The same reporter who had caused him to trip up.

She started firing questions in earnest coming in close and Barry had to fight the urge to attack instead stepping back and shaking his head.

“No comment.” Left his lips just in time for one of his guards he now recognized as Victor from Malcolm’s own personal detail, pulled him out of the way while the others pulled in tight until Andrew could open the car door for him. Barry dove in surprised to find the other side of the seat already occupied.

Tommy had faint bags under his eyes, that filled Barry’s heart with guilt. He’d been selfish. Tommy had lost his best friend too. Like Sara for Barry, Oliver had come into Tommy’s life at a time when Tommy had been alone. No parents, his father having takin off after his mother’s death. And he’d left him to weather the storm alone. The storm that had takin the lives of their friends had struck Starling city in the wake of their deaths. Haunting the Queen and Lance families. Once the press had picked through their lives, draining every bit of material they could dredge up, they’d gone after their known associates, most prominent being the Merlyns. Thomas and Bartholomew, Merlyn and Allen respectively. Two young men marred by the loss of their mothers in gruesome ways at a young age. Now they’re best friends had been dramatically snatched away too. The press had most likely been salivating at the very prospect. And with Barry away at school, the weight of that burden would have all fallen on Tommy.

“Tommy I’m-.”

“Nope, don’t start, none of that sappy shit kid.”

“I’m only 4 years younger than you.” Barry protested indignantly.

“Your like 12.” Tommy scoffed.

Falling into a familiar banter distracted Barry all the way home. When they finally reached the Merlyn estate Barry shouldered the bag he’d left sitting in the seat between Tommy and himself. They continued to bicker even as they made their way up to the house. Entering the house, they were informed that Malcolm had to step out for a business meeting and would return later that night. Barry had to admit he was slightly relieved. He was not looking for the lecture he’d receive when he admitted to slacking off in his training. It wasn’t only because of the depression he’d fallen into since losing Sara. There was also the fact that it’s rather difficult to find a trainer of the same type of “mixed martial arts” as Malcolm referred to it that he’d been learning since he’d graduated from the self-defense classes he’d taken when he was younger. He’d wanted to learn more, something a little more defensive, Malcolm had been happy to oblige. By the time he’d finished high school Malcolm had started bringing in some of his bodyguards for Barry to go up against. Barry was quick on his feet and Malcolm taught him how to take advantage of that. Teaching him how to identify his opponent’s week spots and bring them down in an intricate and precise manner. Nipping away at the weak spots until they barely had a leg to stand on before going in for the final blow. His confidence in his own abilities had grown significantly since the 11-year-old who was too nervous to fight back at his teacher. Though his hesitance was still somewhat present up against Malcolm, he had less qualms about fighting the bodyguards. Besides if they couldn’t take a 17-year-old how could they protect his adoptive family when it really mattered?

By the time Barry had graduated high-school he could give most of his opponents a run for their money. One in particular, Adam was a much more difficult opponent. Quick like Barry, lean muscle and agility. Their fights tended to be a never ending dance wearing Barry down until he’d move in on the offensive. As soon as Barry showed a hint of exhaustion Adam would come in full speed and aggression. He’d have him on the ground within seconds. Barry didn’t at all look forward to that ass kicking and was always wary when he got to the training room and found him there. Malcolm on the other hand seemed to take joy out of pitting them against each other. At least that’s what it seemed like to Barry given how often it happened.

The moment Barry entered his room he braced himself for all the grief to come up again. Slowly he trudged through the room, tossing his bag to the side. Rather than sitting down on the bed he plopped down on the floor in front of it. He leant back resting against the familiar comforter draped over it. The room had been up kept. Everything clean and free of dust though there was a new computer on his desk that hadn’t been there before. He smiled turning his head mouth opening to say-. She wasn’t there. He didn’t know why he’d expected her to be there. It was reflex. Sitting there the only light in the room the sun through the curtains. His body thrumming with excitement, his first instinct to turn to Sara with words flying out of his mouth a mile a minute. He’d expecting to see her head resting up above him. He’d expected a found smile and a face full of amusement when she told him to slow down. All he saw was an empty space. One to match the one in his heart.

She was supposed to come back. He was supposed to look at her with faux judgement as she came strolling in. He’d tell her he didn’t even want to know what happened. She’d tell him anyways. They’d laugh and she’d ask him if he’d met anyone. He’d tell her about Annalise and how he couldn’t wait for them to meet. She’d tease him mercilessly and then grill him for details. He’d pretend he’d never tell her for an hour before he’d end up telling her everything. He’d gotten better at keeping secrets but he’d had trouble keeping them from Sara. He didn’t even bother trying to lie to her. He’d always tell her the truth eventually. He let himself get lost in the fantasy. Closing his eyes and imagining Introducing her to his girlfriend. Imagining them getting along so well that they’d forget he was there. It took only a second for reality to come back crashing through.

There would be no one convincing him to wear a stupid Santa hat this Christmas. No one to text him to call him at 2 in the morning needing a ride home. _Stumbling drunkenly into the car, smiling at Barry dressed in sweat pants and a t-shirt. Half laying down in the seat with her head in his lap. He’d stroked her hair and when she asked if she could crash at his he’d agreed without hesitation. Tommy had helped him sneak her up to one of the guest rooms. He’d woken up to her bouncing onto his bed the next morning and scooting up to the head board. He groaned half-heartedly before propping himself up beside her. She handed him a glass of orange juice from a tray on his nightstand already regaling him with her shenanigans from the night before. Before long he found him snorting back laughter to keep from spurting orange juice on his crisp linens. He failed miserably and of course it was as he was dabbing at the mess with a napkin that Malcolm came through the still open bedroom door._

_“You were late coming down for training this morning Barry, am I to assume Ms. Lance here is the reason why.”_

_Barry’s face turned beat red, he tried to sputter out an excuse but Sara cut him off._

_“Sorry Mr. Merlyn I couldn’t resist starting the day with that irresistible Barry Allen smile.”_

_Barry’s blush deepened and he found himself slowly slipping back down hoping to bury himself back under the covers._

_“Be downstairs in 15 minutes Barry.”_

_“Uh huh.”_

_As soon as Malcolm left the room and shut the door Sara burst into laughter. He tossed a pillow at her which she threw back at him while he made his way to the bathroom. When he came back in the room she was tapping away at her cell phone. The wolf whistle coming from her direction when he took off his sleep shirt alerted him to the fact that she’d started paying attention to him again. This time it was his shirt he tossed in her direction. Though he blushingly opted to change in the bathroom to escape her teasing._

Barry sighed at having let himself get stuck in the past again but accepting that this would probably be a recurring theme while he was back home for the holidays. He picked himself up off the floor to go searching for Tommy. He saw him at the foot of the long staircase but paused from walking down them when he saw who he was with.

Laurel Lance was allowing Tommy to help her out of her coat. The sight of her alone was enough to make sadness catch in Barry’s throat. Doing it’s absolute best to force out a sob. Though he found it much easier to swallow when he saw what happened next. Their mouths latching onto each other. Tommy backing her into a while. He couldn’t hear their panting but the sight alone was enough to have him unfreezing from his spot and backing into the hallway before turning down the hall almost sprinting. He didn’t go back to his room instead finding himself in the library a place he’d spent a lot of time hiding out in the first few years. He shut the door behind himself and leant back against it. He wanted to be angry. For a moment he was. He was furious, and then guilty. He’d played a part in all this too hadn’t he? He’d known about the affair, known Sara would get on that boat. In that moment he allowed himself to feel the guilt that he’d tried to deny from the beginning. He’d had every opportunity to come clean about what was going on behind Laurels back, but he hadn’t. Out of loyalty to his first real friend since moving to Starling. The same loyalty that got her killed. No Barry couldn’t blame Tommy and Laurel for clinging to each other when they’d both lost so much. Barry wouldn’t begrudge them this. Though the acceptance brought with it a wave a loneliness. For a second he considered calling Annalise. But he changed his mind. He probably deserved to feel lonely right now. Instead he found his feet making their way out towards the training room. He avoided the front entrance to be on the safe side. There were many things he could go his life without seeing. Those two el flagrante was definitely one of them.

He stayed there for hours. Drowning in his frustrations and anger. Anger mostly aimed at himself though he could feel anger at the man in yellow there to. Suffocating him and forcing him to work harder. Push himself harder, every swing at the practice dummies granting him the barest hints of release. But it wasn’t enough, he needed more he needed another person. Someone who could really challenge him like-. As if summoned by thought alone a hand grabbed at his shoulder. Reacting entirely on reflex he grabbed at it twisting it behind the owner, already bending his knee to send a blow to their abdomen before he recognized the blonde head bent away from him.

“Adam? What are you doing here?”

“Heard you were back and thought you’d like to spar.”

In a split second Barry found their positions reversed. This time Barry didn’t hesitate to twist out of the hold. He went straight into an attack noticing the way Adam’s surprised expression even as he fought back. This is what Barry needed. A release of pure aggression. It was an aggression Adam had never seen from Barry but he wasn’t going to complain suddenly it had just gotten a lot more fun. Suddenly Barry was getting the upper-hand delivering a harsh blow to his shoulder with his heel. And following it up with a round house kick to the back. Adam braced for the fall rolling forward and back to his feet before launching himself forward at Barry again. Their usual dance had become a battle and neither was willing to give the other an inch. They went at it for ages until Adam finally managed to get the upper hand. He was only slightly less worn out than Barry but it was just enough to take him by surprise with a simple flip over the shoulder.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There won't be another chapter this week because it's finals week. Anytime I'm not spending studying I will be editing. I want to wrap up editing this one as soon as possible so that I can start on the second story. I hope you enjoy!

It was on Barry’s third day home that he went to visit his father. Even when Barry was younger Malcolm had never tried to prevent him from going. It wasn’t that he didn’t doubt Barry’s story. Despite all he’d seen in his own life he had his doubts that Barry’s imagination hadn’t had something to do with what he claimed to have seen that night. No the real reason he’d never tried to dissuade Barry was because he knew enough about him to know even if he’d told Barry not to do it he’d do it anyway. His respect for Malcolm would likely continue to come second to that to Henry Allen. So when Barry informed Malcolm of his plans to visit Iron Heights on Christmas during sparring practice He hadn’t been the least bit surprised. Christmas in the Merlyn household hadn’t been a big affair in a long time. Malcolm had tried the first 4 years. But it was really awkward all around especially that first year. Tommy had long grown used to the lack of fan fair during the holiday and hadn’t expected to come home from school one day to see the inside of their home fully decked in Christmas decorations. The entire holiday had felt bizarre to him and Barry picked up on that. As for himself he was already feeling downhearted at the very prospect of his first Christmas without his parents. The sight of the tree on Christmas morning had only made his chest hurt and he’d had to fight the urge to run back to his room and hide away until the holiday was over. The next year was slightly less horrible, and much less overdone. Barry and Tommy had surprised each other with the fact they’d both bought each other gifts that year. The third time went similarly. As did the fourth. However, on the eve of the fifth Malcolm was called away on a business trip out of the country. He returned two weeks later with extravagant gifts for the both of them. Tommy didn’t so much as blink when accepting his, though he did shoot Barry a sympathetic look.

Visiting his father was always just as heartbreaking as it was relieving. There were so many days he wished he could just phase through the glass and embrace him in a hug. It made his chest ache more than any holiday without him ever could. So he’d willingly spend every Christmas until his father was free in a prison cafeteria if it meant there was no glass wall between them. He was right there; he could hear him see the tears of joy in his eyes while he told him all about college. Could hear the happiness and pride in his voice. The teasing when he prodded him for details about who it was he was seeing, because somehow he just seemed to ‘know’ these things. And he could hug him goodbye.

It was when he was leaving Iron Heights that he saw it. Hood pulled over his face and shades covering his eyes he walked over to the news stand that had caught his eye. Now Barry didn’t often read mainstream newspapers. Partially because Malcolm had the staff doing there absolute best to keep them out of the house. But also because he much preferred to read more underground papers. Ones that told stories most of the public would overlook as pure fiction. Still when he saw the headline across the front of yesterday morning’s Starling City News, he didn’t hesitate to purchase a copy. He waited until he was back in the car and on his way home before he took a good look at it. There on the front was a blown up picture of his face, mouth set in a hard line that first day back in Starling when he’d been bombarded. To anyone who’d known Barry, he just appeared closed off. But to the media and general public he probably looked just as stern as Malcolm himself most days. Which brought Barry back to what had nabbed his attention in the first place. The headline, in Large block sans script said “Bartholomew Merlyn” as if that said it all. The article itself was a very long piece detailing his life prior to the death of his mother and after. The writer made great effort to describe his “long shadowy spiral into a Starling Socialite” and his heartlessness in the wake of the death of his friend. It spun quite a twisted tail. Anyone who actually knew him might have even found it amusing that sweet and kind Barry Allen could ever be considered “cold hearted”. ‘Sara would have laughed’. He thought to himself. Though at the moment he couldn’t find any humor in it. He sighed and tossed the paper off to the side choosing instead to close his eyes and rest his head against the window.

Annalise would be there the next day. He couldn’t wait to see here. If anyone could make him feel better right then it was her. She just had a way about her. Somedays he’d feel himself spiraling with grief. Grief that always lad him to a bar not far from campus, or a party he’d been invited to but hadn’t really been planning on attending. Since he’d started seeing Annalise he’d had less of those days.

 

With that thought in mind he asked Andrew to dispose of the paper before he stepped into the house. He found his feet leading him in the direction of the kitchen. The kitchen staff was hard at work but all of them took a second to smile warmly at Barry and say hello. He was unsurprised to see Tommy already taking up residence on one of the stools at the small island in the middle of the room pestering the staff for tastes of what they were making for dinner. Barry slid in beside him sliding Tommy’s plate in front of himself while he was distracted by the Macaroni and Cheese, Edith, the chef was covering to keep warm. Barry had always wondered why they insisted on always preparing so much food for the family of three in addition to the food for themselves and the rest of the staff. Not that Barry could complain as he hummed in delight over the creamy mashed potatoes on his tongue. That immediately drew Tommy’s attention. And Barry didn’t miss a beat already picking up the plate and holding it away when Tommy reached for it with a “hey!”. Edith allowed them to bicker a moment to everyone’s amusement before snatching the plate from him and replacing it with one of his own. She added a helping of Macaroni to Tommy’s before returning it to him. He thanked her and she ruffled his hair in response Tommy snorted at his indignant response. It earned him the same treatment which he pouted over for only half a second before stealing a heaping mouthful of mashed potatoes from Barry. Barry squawked sliding his plate further to the opposite side of him. Suddenly a fork appeared stealing some of his Macaroni he looked up in shock at Malcom’s pleased chewing face.

Malcolm swallowed. “Dinner is usually eaten in the dining room boys. Wonderful as always Edith.” He carried on out through the swinging door to the dining room. The brothers exchanged astonished looks before picking up their plates and following behind him.

Despite protests from both Malcolm and surprisingly Tommy, Barry got up early the next morning to meet his girlfriend at the train station. As far as Barry could see there weren’t any press hanging around so with an excited smile on his face he waited patiently for her train to arrive. Every once in a while the desire to bounce on his heels would take over for a moment before he caught himself. At last the train he was waiting for pulled into the station.  And he stepped back a little to allow room for the people disembarking to spread out and away from the car. A flash of beautiful brown hair caught his eye and he moved closer already reaching to take her bag. She smiled widely at him accepting his other hand when he offered it to her.

“Welcome to Starling City.” He said leading her out of the station before they grabbed too much attention. Finally, out in the open air and once he’d loaded her bad into the trunk he turns to her and embraced her. Wrapping his arms around her she did the same and he took a moment to take in her face before leaning in for a kiss. Her lips were warm in the cold December air. Her long maroon coat keeping her toasty. When they pulled back a few strands of her hair fell into her hair and he brushed them back behind her ear. The pleasant smile on her face had him leaning in again only to freeze when a flash of light broke the moment. His head jerked about until his eyes found the culprit his eyes widened at the sight of a reporter and he ushered a confused Annalise into the car. He apologized at the rush but waited until they were inside and on the move before offering an explanation.

“Annalise there’s some things about me I should have told you before but I just didn’t know where to start and I’m sorry to throw all of this at you at once but you deserve to know the truth.” He’d started rambling, and he knew it but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. She brought a hand up to his cheek softly.

“Barry, you’re worrying me start from the beginning.”

“Well you know my mom died when I was young and that I was adopted I kind of left out that the part where the person who adopted me was Malcolm Merlyn…”

“Malcolm Merlyn as in...”

“Yeah.”

Annalise had lived most of her life on the other side of the country. While it kept her from hearing any Starling City gossip, she wasn’t ignorant of one of the wealthiest men in the city let alone state where she attended school. As far as his family it never interested her to do any research on them even once she’d started attending school there. Most of the people who bothered to gossip in the Biology department where she spent most of her time, spent their time speculating on Oliver Queen and his famed disappearance. Before she could stop herself she found herself asking Barry if he knew him. Regretting it immediately when she saw the sad expression take over his face. The way his eyes seemed to shadow over in a way she’d seen many times before but never had the nerve to ask about it.

“Yeah, he’s- he was my brother’s best friend and the women who disappeared with him was mine.”

“Oh Barry, I’m so sorry.” She reached out to squeeze his arm. He brought his hand up to cover hers for a moment before bring them down to entangle them together.

“I meant to tell you. I wanted to tell you before now so you wouldn’t be bombarded like this but I couldn’t really find the words.”

She squeezed his hand and assured him that while it was a lot to take in at once, she understood. Barry was beyond grateful for how understanding she was being. He found himself swallowing a fair bit of guilt at not only being dishonest about what she’d be walking into but also at the significant part of his past he was still hiding from her. On the one hand he trusted her and could even see himself falling in love with her if he wasn’t already. On the other, years of experience had taught him to be cautious of people finding out the truth about him. The people who knew always treated him differently whether it was with hints of pity or unashamed ridicule. He just wasn’t ready to see her reaction. He liked Annalise and the thought of her turning on him the way so many others had, he wasn’t ready to face that possibility. He could hear Sara’s voice in his head telling him that it was even crazier to be with someone not knowing if she’d be the type to be cruel to him for who he was. Enjoying the way Annalise leant into him bring their still intertwined hands into her lap, he smiled and kindly hushed that voice in his head imagining a familiar pair of eyes rolling in response. In this moment with the warm air creating a pleasant bubble around them he was happy.

Of course for all of Annalise’s cool and calm exterior in the car it seemed as though the reality of the situation hadn’t really hit until they were pulling into the long drive. She had scooted all the way up to the window to look out at the long expanse of land.

“Barry.” She turned to him and he felt a huge rush of worry at her stern expression.

“Yeahh?” He leant back a bit bracing himself.

“If you bought me a car some shit like that for Christmas. I’ll drown you in that big fancy fountain over there.” He almost snorted but instead put on his best innocent expression.

“But that’s like tradition what am I going to with the jag in the ow!” He’d started chuckling halfway through at her appalled expression. Realizing he was teasing her she had resorted to swatting him the arm. He grabbed the offending appendage pulling her in for a kiss to the cheek before pulling her out of the car. She went to grab her suitcase only to be beat to it by Andrew. She tried to tell him she didn’t mind carrying it herself but Barry put her off “Trust me it’s best to let him do his thing, Andrew can be very sassy.” He whispered.

“Thank you Andrew.”

“Of course Mr. Allen.” Barry could swear he’d said his last name with slightly more emphasis than necessary. ‘And was that a smirk?’ Certain Andrew had heard his sassy comment he went to apologize but out of the corner of his eye he saw a very devious smile grace his girlfriend’s lips. One that promised that the words “Mr. Allen” would have him turning red for the foreseeable future. He gulped and led her the resto f the way up to the house.

“You want to go up to the guest room and decompress for a bit?” Barry’s offer had just left his lips and he was already stepping towards the stairs when Tommy came walking in with a grin that spelled trouble clear across his face. Even more alarming was the sight of Laurel Lance behind him equally mischievous smile on her face. Though her eyes were soft.

“Hey Bear!” Barry’s eye’s narrowed at the old nickname. “Tommy this is Annalise. Annalise this is- “

“Ah so you’re the one who’s got my little brother singing in the shower.”

“You sing?”

“No!” Barry interjected already seeing the conversation getting away from him. Laurel took pity on him though stepping in to introduce herself with a handshake. The speed at which she’d managed to commandeer Anna’s attention and lead her off towards the kitchens nearly gave Barry whiplash.

“She seems like a nice girl Barry.” His attention switched from their retreating backs to Tommy wo smiled approvingly. “Yeah she is.” It hadn’t escaped Barry’s notice that Tommy called him his brother, something that didn’t happen often. He didn’t mention it though instead smiling when Tommy through an arm around his shoulder and pulled him in the direction the girls had disappeared in. They found them sat at the kitchen island laughing over mugs of hit coffee. They suspiciously quieted down when they entered instead sharing amused smiles while the two boys prepared mugs of their own. Barry tracked down the cookie jar Edith had been hiding ever since they were young. Tommy could never find it but Barry had a knack for locating any sweets she’d hide. He filled a large plate and snagged the empty stool across from Anna. Tommy sat in front of Laurel and there they stayed for hours chatting and laughing as Laurel and Tommy did their absolute best to try and embarrass him with stories from when he was younger. It eventually turned into Tommy and Barry trying to outmatch each other with stories from high-school. Laurel herself was too busy clutching her stomach with laughter to add anything. While Barry went into his side of the infamous pool full of alcohol incident even Tommy had lost himself to laughter. By the time he got to the part where Barry had tried to pull him out only for Tommy to drunkenly slip back in pulling Barry along with him even he was choking with laughter. Still they both managed to pull themselves together long enough to mimic the look on Malcom’s face the next day. They’d made themselves scarce for the rest of that weekend.

 

On the 28th of December Barry final gathered up the courage to do something he’d been avoiding since he’d arrived. The second the car pulled up to the cemetery Barry felt the panic building up. The only one who knew he was going there that day was Tommy. Laurel had kidnapped his girlfriend for the day. Barry didn’t begrudge her that she knew the holidays without her sister had to have her feeling unbearably lonely. It hadn’t escaped his notice that Laurel had been spending a lot of time with them rather than with her family. He knew avoidance when he saw it but he wasn’t nearly close enough to her to ask her what was going on. He’d asked after her parents at one point but the dark look in her eyes when she said they were “coping” was enough to put him off broaching the subject again anyways.

With a heavy heart he forced himself to unbuckle his seatbelt and reached for the door. Tommy had offered to come with him though his eyes said this is the absolute last place he wanted to be. Barry would have declined either way but the look cemented his desire to do this alone. After finally building up the courage to exit the car he reached back in for the bouquet of white roses he’d brought with him. Sara had despised red roses, something she’d told him when he’d asked her to prom. The memory of the two of them dancing like dorks under the garish purple lights had him smiling despite the tears that escaped his eyes. He brushed at them quickly and then shut the car door. With one more deep breath he made his way inside. Tommy had told him where to go. Nothing in the world had prepared him for the way his chest would turn to a spikey ball of pain the minute his feet reached the soil in front of her grave. He’d never visited his mother’s grave. Had nothing to prepare him for the stone cold silence that seemed to scream at the top of its lungs “She’s Gone!” There was no one buried there and yet her name, the date, the perfectly measured plot, made it all so final.

“I’m still waiting for Ollie to show up and say ‘Stop crying Speedy. It’s just a joke.’ and take me out for ice-cream.” Barry gasped turning towards the voice. Thea Queen stood just a few feet away. He knew she was not much older than he was when he’d lost his mother. ’12.’ His brain supplied for him.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. ‘Stupid.’ There was that voice in his head again. She snorted suddenly pulling herself inward the open expression of hurt disappearing.

“We don’t all just forget people. Some of us take the time to think about everyone.”

“Thea I’m so sorry.”

But she was already leaving. He wanted to jog to catch up to her but what could he say? What could he do? Feeling more than a little lost he found his way back to the grave. He placed the flowers in front of the stone eyes never leaving the words etched into it as if he concentrated hard enough they’d change to answers for all the questions he couldn’t put into words. All the things he just couldn’t seem to put into words. And wasn’t that ironic? Sara had once teased that if she ever needed proof of the impossible it was the fact that Barry never seemed to run out of things to say. But in that moment there was so much he wanted to say and yet even more he couldn’t. so instead he turned and sat down back against stone. He found himself talking about school and Annalise his history professor who he was 100% convinced is secretly a vampire. He could almost hear the sound of her laughter on the wind. And if he closed his eyes he could imagine he was sitting on his bedroom floor. That the stone at his back was the soft cushion of his comforter. He stayed there for a while until he felt a wet drop on his hand. He looked up at the grey clouds accusingly for a second while he climbed to his feet.

As he was making his way back to the car he realized it wasn’t actually rain falling but snow. With one last glance back he hurried towards the driver’s seat. He was suddenly very thankful he’d elected to drive down there himself. This way he could take the scenic route and enjoy the snowfall over the city. It always seemed to make the city look so much less threatening than its reputation. BY the time he got back to the estate there was a nice blanket of snow covering the grass and pavement. He parked his car in the garage and walked through the door to go outside wanting to enjoy it a bit longer. He was immediately greeted with a face full of snow. He bent down to roll a snowball to launch at Tommy’s laughing face. Only to be attacked from his right side by one lobbed by a giggling Ana. Realizing he was being ambushed he started running in the direction of Laurel who was watching but staying but of it at least until Barry started using her as a shield. Then she turned on him as well. He was complaining halfheartedly while he threw snow back at them. Then a thought occurred to him. The first few times he called for them to stop they’d laughed assuming he was giving up or trying to trick them. But when he explained his plan they all agreed though Laurel did so with unshed tears in her eyes.

Less than 15 minutes later they were outside the Queen mansion. More specifically below Thea Queens window. When Barry pondered out loud how they would get her to come outside Tommy’s face filled with mischief and Barry didn’t even have time to object before he was launching snow balls at Thea’s window. When Thea looked out confusion in her expression Tommy just waved one handedly juggling another snow ball. She stared for half a second before leaving the window. Laurel suggested that maybe it was a bad idea and they should leave her be. Assuring Barry that she knew” his heart was in the right place but-” Before she could say anything else they were being bombarded with snowballs from behind. Thea Queen, decked in a purple coat and matching boots had managed to ambush them while they were distracted. They scattered and it turned into an all-out war. At some point Barry and Thea teamed up with Ana and went after the others. But loyalties never last in a snowball fight and it soon turned into boys against girls and even at one point everyone against Tommy. Later when they were leaving after mugs of hot chocolate and a promise that Thea was welcome to call Barry if she ever needed anything or just to talk. He had his doubts that she would take him up on talking. He’d know that earlier she’d just been venting. He was a bit surprised when she hugged him and whispered a thank you.

They piled into the car, they’d taken one of Tommy’s this time. And off they drove.

“So Barry the Tooth fairy where to next?” The smile Tommy shot him assured Barry that while he was teasing he was also pleased with their good deed.

“Well I don’t know about you guys but I’m starving. Big Belly Burger?”

 

Up until New Year’s Anna had yet to meet Malcolm. When she’d asked Barry about it he’d mentioned that Mr. Merlyn was usually pretty busy this time of year. The topic of his adoptive father was danced around quite a bit up until then. Barry himself felt a bit relieved that she’d had time to settle in before meeting Malcolm. It wasn’t that he was embarrassed of him or anything like that. It was just that Malcolm Merlyn could be a bit intense. Over the years Barry had grown used to the mannerisms of the socially elite, even adopting them when necessary. Anna however was a small town girl from Oregon. She was county fairs, beaches, and camping in the woods. Malcolm Merlyn was private yachts, jets, and a cut throat business man. In the course of a few months of school Barry had started to live in a different world than he’d moved into nearly 8 years ago. A world that Annalise lived in but his adoptive father didn’t. And Ana wasn’t a part of this world quite yet. It wasn’t impossible for her to adapt. He had and so had Laurel and Sara. But what if after meeting Malcolm she didn’t want to? So far she had been overwhelmed only few times since that first day and that had given him hope but he was still full of anxiety after he came back from training that morning and Tommy told him Malcolm was on his way back from the airport.

Barry’s previous exhaustion straight from the gym was replaced with a rush of adrenaline that had him zipping up to his room where he found Ana lounging in wait. She raised an eyebrow clearly pleased at his appearance at least until she noticed the panic in is expression. She tried to question him but in his frantic the only part of his rambling she could decipher was “he’s back”.  While he stumbled his way to his bathroom to shower she figured the next best source for answers would be Tommy. Thankfully she didn’t have to search long for him seeing as he was downstairs having breakfast.

Barry remembered the first time he’d invited a friend over and asked them to stay for dinner. He remembered it pretty vividly. Traumatically one might even say. Oh it had started out alright. Idle chatter about which classes they shared together and their overall goals. His poor unprepared friend had excitedly started to spout his dreams of being a game tester. Malcolm had latched onto that immediately at first questioning why someone would want to merely be a tester when they could instead be a designer, run a company, make millions. Why settle so small? From then on Jeremy Stetson was perfectly fine with hanging out after school as long as Barry reassured multiple times that Mr. Merlyn wouldn’t be anywhere around. And even that came weeks after the incident. Barry had suspected that Sara had something to do with Jeremy’s sudden willingness to forgive.

While he had his doubts today would go anything like that it did absolutely nothing to remedy the panic. Even as he descended the stairs and made his way to the kitchen the anxiety refused to abate. He expected to be greeted by a concerned Ana being reassured by Tommy in the kitchen. Instead what he found in the dining room was even more terrifying. Ana was seated across the table from Malcolm himself and the both of them were, laughing? The look on Tommy’s face was one of disturbed fascination which Barry suspected was matched on his own face. Needless to say the perfectly (disturbingly) normal breakfast that followed went off without a single hitch. Ana got along with his foster father seamlessly monopolizing most of the conversation while the two brothers watched on with absurd fascination.

The rest of their stay was pretty peace full. Though Barry had his suspicions that once they returned to school and back into their world away from this one all the questions Ana had avoided asking during their trip would come up. And even if they didn’t there was still a lot of things he’d still had yet to tell her. While he’d been lucky that no one had mentioned anything of his life pre-Starling during their stay he knew some things were a hairs breathe from coming out and he wanted it all to come from him not an obnoxious tabloid article. They would be heading back to campus together and as they climbed into the car together he promised himself that he would start being 100% honest with her. The fact that she had won over Malcolm Merlyn should be proof enough.

The train ride out of the city was pretty peaceful locked away in their little cubby.

 

A few weeks into the winter quarter Barry was casually making his way through the dormitory when something odd happened. He felt a swift wind rush past his ear leaving behind a brief prick of pain. His first reaction was to bring a hand up he didn’t even get a chance to confirm the wetness on his finger was blood before a loud thump across the hall stole his attention. He stared for a minute hardly believing what he was seeing he turned around in the direction it had originated from catching sight of familiar black hair. He didn’t even hesitate to follow after them. He kept a sedate pace. They weren’t rushing and despite the bizarre attention grabbing he didn’t want to attract any attention before he knew what was up. Adam led him all the way to a part of campus he had never even visited before. The athletic department was large they could almost give the engineering department a run for their money. As they ascended staircase after staircase Barry noticed that the number of people around had grown scarce. He’d figured out the moment he’d entered the building where this was all headed. Finally, they entered an actual training room and Barry was surprised to find it completely barren only to be shocked out of his confusion by the sound of a lock clicking behind him. He whirled around and their stood Adam with a smirk on his face just waiting for exactly what Barry did next.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You don’t just throw ninja stars in a college dorm! Are you insane?! Did Malcolm put you up to this?” Adam just chuckled.

“Malcolm figured you needed some help getting into a new training regimen. I’m more than willing to help as long as you show me some more of that aggression you had back in December.” While he was talking Adam had already started stretching. And Barry scoffed.

“So we just gonna ignore the whole ninja star thing? You almost cut my ear off!”

“It barely grazed you.” Barry was spluttering yet he still moved mechanically into his own stretches. He was thankful at least that today he’d felt like having a lazy day and worn baggy sweats to class. Their training session that night wasn’t nearly as aggressive as the one during the holidays but Barry was peeved enough by the situation that he was still harsher than their normal fights.

Later after they were finished Barry had tried to broach Adam into a conversation but he blew him off to leave the room. By the time Barry had scoop up the jacket he’d been wearing earlier and follow him out the door he’d seemed to have disappeared. Barry entertained the thought for a second that Adam might be an actual ninja and had actually flown down the stairs like in the movies he used to watch as a kid. He brushed it off as his imagination getting the best of him though. Malcolm Merlyn working with ninjas? Unlikely. Then again he doubted many people knew or would even believe that the business man was as skilled a fighter as he is. To that day Barry was still vague on the details as to how Malcolm had learned all those things. He’d asked of course, Barry was curious by nature so the more he saw of Malcolm’s talents the more questions he’d had about where he’d learned all those things. Especially as he’d gotten older and could recognize that it wasn’t exactly the kind of fighting he was learning was far from the krav maga he’d once overheard a classmate in high school bragging about learning. He was 17 when he’d finally got around to asking. Malcolm had explained that the way his wife had died had made him feel helpless and that in the two years he’d been away he’d been traveling through Eastern Asia. He’d gone looking for peace through meditation and had instead found something that brought him a different kind of peace. He’d gone on to say that he’d hoped that it was helping Barry find some peace as well. He said that if it wasn’t helping he wouldn’t begrudge Barry if he wanted to stop. Barry was quick to reassure him that he definitely wanted to continue. Malcolm seemed pleased with his assurance that Barry wanted to learn everything the elder Merlyn could teach him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's smut in this chapter. it's short but there. I hope you enjoy this chapter. All feedback is welcome, I always enjoy reading your comments. In the meantime I will be doing the "I passed my finals" dance.

 

In the weeks leading up to Spring Break Barry fell into a steady pattern. In the mornings he’d go to class. Some days he’d have classes well into the afternoon. In between he’d find time to spend with Annalise and the friends he’d started making that corner. One great thing about college he was finding was how much easier it was for him to make friends here than it had been in Starling. And it wasn’t solely due to the fact that not everyone there knew he was or cared about the things that would lead them to finding out. It was also just because he didn’t have to try as hard to find people who shared his interests. They were in his classes. There were many clubs on campus and they were plentiful in members. He found his days full of study groups and sci-fi marathons. Date nights were hard as their course work got harder but he and Ana always worked it out. Even if their date nights were limited by exhaustion and consisted of being holed up in a dorm room with flowers Barry had bribed his neighbor to doors down for whom majored in botany. Neither of them really felt cheated out of the others time. Things were good.

There were still many days where he’d find himself down. It would come on suddenly. Days when he’d learn something exciting in class. Days when Ana and his friends would take the night off from studying to kick back and party. One secret they’d learned their fellow freshmen had learned early on was that when the STEM departments came together to throw a party.  They tended to be over the top. The alcohol, Barry had heard rumors of it being mixed by Chemistry upperclassmen. After getting his first kick of the fruity purple liquid he was pretty sure the rumors were true. After his first adventure when he’d takin in just a smidge more than he should have, well let’s just say he’d learnt his lesson.  On nights like that he’d wake up next to Ana happy and content. They’d get up and take turns showering. She’d dress in clothes she’d left in his room. If it was chilly out she’d wear one of his sweaters. They’d kiss slow goodbyes in front of his door. Sometimes they’d end up right back in bed together. On the days they didn’t he’d flop back on it alone once she’d carried on down the hall.

He’d pick up his cellphone fingers already typing the number before he realized who he’d been about to call. He’d stopped hitting send those first few months when the phone had shut off and there was no longer a voice mail greeting to listen to. Instead he’d stare at the number for a bit before deleting it. Sometimes he’d toss the phone to the side and pull out some homework to distract himself, to lose himself in chemistry equations for a few hours. But sometimes he’d erase the number and call a different number. Usually it was Adam, he’d ask if he was up for sparring and the answer was always yes. Adam seemed to prefer these sessions. Where Barry was in a darker mood. There were also rare occasions when the number he called was Tommy’s. He didn’t always get an answer but when he did Tommy was always willing to listen while he regaled him with stories of parties and drunken mishaps he knew Tommy would be proud of. Most of the time it was just nice to have someone to tell is stories and crazy ideas to. But there were also times when he caught himself expecting a softer laugh on the other end of the line then the boisterous one he’d receive. A part of him would give just about anything to hear her call him “Doogie.” He might have pretended to hate the nickname, if anyone else said it he would, but from Sara it had always come from a better place than “Geek” “Nerd” or “Whiz Kid”. Still, he was grateful. He and Tommy had grown closer, made an effort to understand each other better. Which is why it was Tommy he’d inevitably gone to for advice when he chickened out for the billionth time on telling Ana about his parents.

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you Barry. Ana’s a great girl I hardly think she’s the type to stop caring about you because of your past. Not for something like this. I mean I think you should have told her a long time ago. Secrets aren’t exactly the best basis for a relationship, even I know that.”

“And if she thinks I’m crazy like everyone else does?”

“Everyone doesn’t think you’re crazy Barry.”

“Are you saying you’ve suddenly decided you don’t?”

For a long moment all Barry heard from the other line was silence. He knew Tommy was toeing the line between white lies and evasion.

“Sara didn’t. She always believed in you. Who’s to say Ana wont? Isn’t she into all that sci-fi nerd stuff anyways?” He’d completely dodged the question and Barry let him. He didn’t want to start an argument, he really didn’t. If there was one way for certain in which he’d become a Merlyn it was in the way he’d learned to keep things diplomatic.

“Think of it this way Bear, you’re a lot more likely to lose her by being dishonest than by trusting her with the truth.” Barry’s heart constricted. Tommy’s words were the truth but they’d hit a place inside him that he’d kept locked away as best he could.

“I knew.” He choked out before he could stop himself.

“You knew what? Barry are you okay?”

He considered trying to change the topic or even just straight up hanging up the phone but he knew there’s no way Tommy would let it go. They’d just been talking about his sanity after all. He swallowed and cleared his throat.

“I knew Sara was getting on that boat. I knew what was going on between the two of them for a while. She didn’t tell me when it first started, she was scared I’d judge her for it but she came clean to me once when we were both drunk at a party. She told me the whole story once we were both sober. God Tommy I should have told her it wasn’t right to do that to her sister but I didn’t. And then she told me she was going with Oliver on the boat, and I encouraged her. I just told her to “take lots of pictures” and I let her go. And now she’s dead. I could’ve said something and now she’s dead. My best friends dead and Laurel’s whole life fell apart and I could’ve-.” Barry choked out a sob.

“Barry that’s not your fault. Oliver and Sara made their own decisions. Sara was an adult and she made her own choice. You can’t blame yourself for that and you couldn’t have known what was going to happen.” Barry wanted to believe him. Logically he knew it wasn’t all on him but it didn’t take away the hurt. It didn’t take away the guilt. Guilt that had kept him from looking Laurel in the eyes during winter break. She’d probably put it down to him missing Sara or even pity. But Barry hadn’t been sure going in that he would be able to face her at all. And if she ever found out the truth, he doubted she’d be as forgiving as Tommy was.

“Can you uh promise me something?”

Tommy’s voice was full of concern when he asked” What’s that Barry?”.

“Promise you won’t tell Laurel? She’d hate me if she knew.”

Tommy wasn’t sure he could do that. On the one hand Laurel Lance could hold a grudge and Barry was his little brother. His brother who’d already been put through so much by so many people. His own father had betrayed him in a way so unforgivable Barry himself couldn’t believe it. On the other hand, Laurel had been betrayed to and if he kept this from her he’d be another person on the list. But Barry was his brother. He’d been trying his best to start being a brother to Barry, couldn’t he do this one thing for him to spare him anymore pain?

“Okay. I promise.”

A few days later Barry came back from sparring to see Ana sat outside his room face buried in a book. Smiling he slowed crouched down a bit and crept quietly towards her.

“Boo!” she jumped with a small yelp.

“Barry!” A book came sailing at him which he caught with ease. He reached a hand down to help her to her feet.

“Sorry I couldn’t resist.” He tried to pull her in close but she dodged away.

“Noooo sweaty.” He chuckled but went to unlock his door instead. While she made herself comfortable on his bed and flicked on the TV he went to take a shower. Wrapping a towel around his waist he swung the door he hadn’t bothered to close fully open and leant against the frame. Ana was deeply engrossed in what she was watching. Barry could easily tilt his head to see what it was but he was more interested in the sight of her curled around one of his pillows her long hair splayed behind her. She hated having it in her face when she relaxed but also despised hair ties because they always managed to end up painfully tangled in her hair.

“You going to keep staring or are you going to join me?” Her eye’s didn’t even leave the screen. Smiling Barry strolled over to his dresser. He glanced back and caught her watching out of the corner of her eye. He let his towel drop carelessly to the floor taking his time to slip on a pair of boxers and sweatpants. He turned around and saw her unashamedly watching him. The hand that had been underneath his pillow was now propping her head up. Her bottom lip between her teeth he came closer. Climbing up onto the bed. She released her lip just in time for him to lean in and bring his lips to hers. She didn’t hesitate to open her mouth and he deepened the kiss leaning into her further and guiding her back onto the bed.

His hand reached up to tangle in her hair and she gasped. He moved his mouth down to her neck sucking on a spot right below her ear. She squirmed and sighed for a few minute enjoying the feeling of his warm hot mouth on her skin. He felt her hands brace on his shoulder and he leant back to help her out of her shirt. He groaned when he saw that she’d already removed her bra while he’d been in the shower. He eased down enough to bring his lips to her collar bone and then down further to her breast. She moaned under him hands tangling in his hair. A slightly rougher tug had him following her motion to bring his mouth back to her own. Their kisses grew desperate gasping into each other’s mouths. His hands massaged her sensitive sides bringing her moans had his hips grinding slowly into hers and she responded in kind. He groaned and she hooked her legs around his waist pulling him in closer. She kissed and sucked at his neck coaching groans from his throat and they pulled back enough so that he could help her out of her jeans. She eased out of her panties while he leant over to the night stand drawer for a condom. He moved back over her kissing into her mouth once more while one of his hands stroked down her body. Stroking down her thigh to her bent knee. Up the back to her firm backside and down again bringing her leg up a bit higher before stroking up the inside. He groaned at the witness between her legs. Stroking and playing with her clit while she gasped and jerked beneath him. Her own hands tugged at his ass. Slowly she moved one between them not even hesitating to plunge it beneath his pants and boxers to wrap around him. He moaned and jerked into her strokes stealing his attention for half a minute before he moved his fingers down to her interest. Gently inserting one. She gasped and pressed and adjusted into the feeling. He thrust in and out bringing his thumb back to massage at her clit. He alternated between rough circular motions and soft strokes before pushing in another finger. She moaned and squeezed her hand around him.

She released him and pulled her hand out to grasp at the hem of both his pants and underwear. He leant back to brace his weight more fully on his knees to pull them down. She drew him back in and used her feet to push his clothes the rest of the way down. Barry kicked them off and settled himself more firmly between her spread legs resting his weight on one arm using the other hand to steady himself at her entrance and push in. They gasped into each other’s mouths. He brought his other hand back up to stroke to squeeze at her side and she pulled him closer with her arms and legs wrapped tight around him. Rolling and grinding into each other soon turned into frantic thrusting until Ana moaned out her release. Barry buried his face in her hair and followed after.

Gently he pulled out of her. After removing the used condom, tying it off and trashing it he wiped himself with a Kleenex off to the side offering her a few as well. Cleaned off he let himself and laid back down next to her. She turned her head to him and seeing the massive grin on his face that matched her own giggled and wiggled closer to rest her hand on his chest.

“I love you Barry Allen.”

“I love you to.” She hummed in contentment, falling asleep to the feeling of his hand stroking her hair. He followed soon after.

The next morning found them brushing their teeth together in his tiny dorm bathroom. Him in just his boxers and her in one of his shirts and boxers. It was so domestic it made the words they’d said the night before for the first time all the more real. He hadn’t realized he was frowning until she turned off the sink and asked “What’s with the broody face?”

He looked into her gentle eye’s full of concern and a tiny bit of fear. The words were resting heavily on both on them, the last thing he wanted was for her to think this was him pulling away. No, it was time for him to stop waiting for the right time. There simply wasn’t one for things like this. He reached out and grasped one of her hands and tugged her back to his room and over towards the bed. He sat down and she followed folding one leg up under herself so she could turn to him.

“Barry you’re scaring me.”

“I know I’m sorry. I just there’s something I haven’t told me about myself and after last night I know I need to tell you before we go any further.”

She rested her hand om his arm and he turned his head to look at her.

“What is it?”

“It’s about my birth parents. I haven’t been entirely honest about what had happened to them.”

“Barry you don’t have to tell me if it’s too traumatic for you. You can tell me whenever you’re ready or not at all I won’t begrudge you that.”

Barry shook his head. “No I need you to know. Not just because a lot of people know and I’m afraid you’ll find out from them. But also because this is a big part of me and my life and it’s driven people away from me in the past. I need to know that you can accept this part of me. “

She brought her hand down to his and squeezed. But didn’t say a word but showing him he had her full attention.

“When I was 11 I saw my mom murdered right in front of me.” She gasped quietly but otherwise stayed silent but squeezed his hand for a brief moment.

“My father has been in prison all these years because the police thought he did it. But I was there. What I saw was…impossible. Everyone said I was crazy just me trying to cope but I know what I saw. It wasn’t my father. It was a man he was dressed in yellow and he moved so fast. He was surrounded by lightning. I watched her scream and tell me to run. One-minute I was watching her die and the next I was far away. I ran back home and they were arresting my father. I tried to tell them he didn’t do it but no one believed me.”

In his head the image of his mother under a sheet eyes unmoving while he yelled for her attention. He closed his eyes tight. Only opening them again when he felt her wrap around him. He reached his arm around to pull her closer into his side.

“Thank you for telling me. I know that was hard.” She pulled back and took his face into her hands. “I’m not going anywhere Barry. Okay?” She had tears in her eyes and he swallowed some of his own. He nodded and pulled her back in for a hug.

In the weeks following he noticed a weight that he’d been feeling for months had finally eased up. During those first few days he’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop but it hadn’t. When they parted for Spring Break, her home to her family and him to his own they’d held tight to each other happily exchanging those three words.

When Barry stepped through the door to his home he wasn’t the least bit surprised by how busy everyone was inside and out. He’d traveled back to Starling the weekend of Tommy’s birthday and Tommy had decided to party harder than ever before “because Oliver would have wanted him to” and after the massive hangover they’d both suffered through Tommy had promised that they would do the same for Barry’s birthday. Barry had groaned but accepted his fate. Now, he was having his doubts. But seeing Tommy throwing himself fully into the planning he didn’t have the heart to shut down anything that was making Tommy that happy. In the days leading up Malcolm had made his disapproval clear but even he hadn’t tried to put a stop to it instead making himself scarce after promising murder if anything valuable was destroyed or if there was a repeat of the pool incident. That fact alone should have clued Barry into just how badly had been coping over the past months.

Barry’s life finally seemed to be coming together down a smoother path. Tommy however had been drifting. It wasn’t as if he’d had a steady path even before Oliver was gone. The difference was he had Oliver. With Oliver he was half of a dynamic duo. But without him he was newly 23 and still trying to figure his life out. He had Barry but then Barry had academics. Barry had a path and goals Tommy had no doubt he’d reach in record time. And then there was this strange sort of friends with benefits he’d fallen into with Laurel. It was as complicated as it was simple and better if he didn’t think about it too much and just let it be what it was. There was the ever distant relationship with his father that Tommy had long since given up on. His father hadn’t been quite as hard on him since the boat disappeared. But he hadn’t been kinder either. If anything he kept his distance more. He seemed to be working harder than ever from Tommy’s impression but then maybe he was just avoiding him all together. Tommy wouldn’t complain though. Not having to worry about his disappointment for a while was always a gift that he could appreciate more than any of the cars of birthdays past. Barry needing support and advice had been a good distraction for him over the months. The more he could focus on Barry and Laurels grief the less he focused on his own. But Barry was healing and Tommy was happy for him, he really was. But Tommy was slowly finding himself with less distractions. So when the opportunity to throw him the biggest 19th birthday this side of town had ever seen presented itself Tommy pounced on it.

The guest list was extensive. Barry wouldn’t know more than half the people there but that was good. The best kinds of parties were always the ones with strangers. There might not be a pool full of alcohol but this would definitely be one of the best parties he’d ever thrown. The DJ was expensive but well worth it when he saw a heavily intoxicated Barry covered in cheesy glow sticks dancing in the center of a small circle amongst the crowd. He was a pretty good dancer Tommy had to admit. Though he figured Barry would be very grateful for his no pictures rule for the night. He’d had all phones checked at the door and security to check for cameras. Which was good because the last thing Barry needed was his one day of the year to be an average rich kid on his birthday was for the headlines the next day to be him singing karaoke. Even though he really did have a great singing voice. And there it was, that old jealousy again. There were days still when Tommy half wished he was more like Barry. Barry who could always get Malcolm’s full attention if he wanted it. Barry who knew what he wanted to do with his life even when he was 14 years old. Tommy had his own charms but Barry had a way of not just charming people but enamoring them to him. Not the bullies that targeted him but the good people and even the jaded. Barry Allen could melt some of the coldest of hearts with a smile. He didn’t hate Barry but there were times when his jealousy used to get the better of him. These days he only ever felt twinges of it when he was feeling particularly down on himself. And then it was more about him than anything Barry had ever done.

In reality it was good to see Barry letting loose and before long he found himself getting drunk enough to challenge Barry to a dance off. Drunk off their asses they laughingly realized that the only thing either would be winning if they kept it up was a trip to the emergency room. Sometime after midnight Laurel showed up. At first seeming highly unimpressed with Tommy’s state but after the 20th person offered her their drunken condolence Laurel soon found herself catching up. Ana unfortunately couldn’t make it but Barry informed him with a sloppy grin that they’d already celebrated. Even wasted Barry was still a gentlemen and refused to say anything about how they’d celebrated despite Tommy’s crass teasing that had Laurel rolling her eyes and walking away to get more booze and dance with strangers. At 4am they kicked everyone out and Tommy presented him with his gift. It was two tickets to a Star Labs exhibit in Central City. They’d sobered up by then but would still blame the hug afterwards on alcohol. Laurel had brought him a cake and after he blew the candles she’d offered him a hug and whispered words that had him smiling a teary eyed smile that again he’d blame on tequila. They ate cake until they were yawning into their ice-cream. Barry pretended not to notice that after Laurel hugged him goodnight she didn’t leave the house or head in the direction of guest rooms.

Barry retreated to his own bedroom. He kicked off his shoes and pulled off all the glow in the dark jewelry he was glad there’d be no photographic evidence of. He paused in the middle of pulling off his shirt when he noticed a gift wrapped box on his bed. At first he figured it must have been from Malcom or someone from school had sent it. Then he saw the card. The sight of a familiar TV genius on the front had his heart stopping. The words from Laurel echoed in his ears “She’d want me to give you this.” He sat down next to the box and pulled it into his lap. There was no personal message in the card, not surprising considering she had to have bought it sometime that summer before. A Doogie Howser reference was inside “Tonight, do the unthinkable. Act like an impulsive, crazy, adolescent, hormonal genius.”

He laughed. He must have done her proud tonight. Holding his breathe the impulsive genius unwrapped the gift. The plain white box was opened to. Inside was a scrapbook. It seemed a bit out of character for Sara but he didn’t hesitate to open it. The first page was a picture of the two of them at 14 and 16 curled up on the couch with blankets and popcorn. He remembered that day. He’d been sick with a summer cold and had shamelessly guilted Sara, who he’d caught it from, into watching Star Trek with him. She pretended to be annoyed but the next time they’d hung out at the house she’d been more than willing to continue their marathon. He flipped through the next pictures being sucked into memory after memory. The last one was a picture of him dressed up as Doogie Howser for Halloween next to her in a nurse costume. They’d turned a few heads at the Halloween party that night. One of the few times people gossiped about him and it had nothing to do with his tragic life story.

The next day the only evidence of the night before was left over cake, a half-eaten carton of ice-cream, and the pounding in his head. Even Laurel had gone home some time before he’d woken up. Barry trudged his way down stairs and into the kitchen where he found Tommy refreshed as ever eating a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon while he chatted with Edith listening raptly while she told him about what each of her kids were up to these days. The closer Barry got the more the smell of sugar and grease had him feeling nauseous. He poured himself a coffee and sighed into the mug. Tommy and Edith continued their conversation but they were both watching. The former with amusement and the latter with disapproval.

“How was your birthday Bartholomew?” Barry blushed ashamedly into his cup and shrugged. Tommy laughed and Edith flicked one of her dish towels at the both of them. Barry accepted his punishment and the toast and eggs she forced at him. The eggs he ate but the toast he slipped onto Tommy’s plate seeing as he was apparently in much better shape than him. Barry just hoped to any god out there that Malcolm wouldn’t expect him to train today. His hopes were shattered at 7’oclock when Adam texted him that it was time for training and a message from Malcolm that he was absolutely not to miss training no matter what he and Tommy did yesterday. Tommy had been highly amused and had even offered to come along “for moral support”. Which roughly translated to him wanting a free front row seat to the shit show that was Barry getting his ass kicked while he did his best not to throw up. At one close call even Adam had decided that it was for the better of the both of them that they cut training short. Even though he knew it was just his sparring partner trying to avoid being vomited on, Barry thanked him profusely and spent the rest of his day sprawled on his bed watching Stargate and regretting his life choices.

His feelings of self-loathing faded at about 7 in the afternoon with a call from Ana who was getting ready for bed, it being 11 pm her time.

“Do I even want to know what went on at that party?”

“Alcohol and bad decisions.”

“Sounds about right. You still alive or did Tommy give you alcohol poisoning?”

“nghhhh” He figured a groan would sum it up pretty well.

“Are you going to do it again.”

“No.”

“Bullshit.”

“Yeah.”  He sighed.

“A little birdy told me karaoke was involved.”

“Since when do you gossip with my brother?” She laughed.

“Actually I was talking about Laurel.” Barry wasn’t sure that was any better. Then again Laurel had never taken nearly as much joy in teasing him as Oliver and Tommy did.

Their conversation gradually shifted to Ana’s own family. They’d been so busy over the past months that Barry had still yet to meet any of her family. Distance played a factor too. Ana had concluded it was hardly practical for them to hop on a plane for a weekend of “meet the parents”. Barry would meet them that coming summer. He would fly down to Oregon three weeks into summer and stay for two weeks. Then they were meeting Tommy in the UK. It had taken a lot of coaxing but he’d eventually gotten Ana to agree with promises of Spain and Greece. Him spending larger amounts of money on her still made her slightly nervous but she also accepted that while his life was slightly different than the one she’d grown up in it didn’t mean she couldn’t meet him halfway. Before long they were wishing each other goodnight. Checking his watch, he saw that it was 9 o’clock seeing as he’d missed dinner long before she’d called he went down to the kitchen in search of food. He threw together a sandwich and some potato chips that Malcolm would have wrinkled his nose at if he’d seen it. Instead of stealing away back to his own room he went to his old hide out. The library had to be the coziest part of the house. Barry made himself comfortable in one of the large plushy chairs under a lamp with one of his favorite books.

He couldn’t be exactly sure when he’d fell asleep that night but he was shaken awake at 3 am by Malcolm who from the looks of his suit and briefcase had just gotten in.

“I see the two of you managed not to destroy the entire house. Should I be warned ahead of time of any part of the house no longer being intact?”

“Why wouldn’t it be intact?” Barry hoped his innocent voice sounded as good as Tommy’s. Sure no one ever believed it but they were often too amused by it to really care. From the way Malcolm raised an eyebrow but didn’t honor it with a response. Barry was successful. He mentally patted himself on the back while he followed Malcolm out. They parted ways but after just a few steps he heard Malcolm say “Happy birthday Barry.”


	8. Chapter 8

It was strange for Barry to think it was coming up on exactly 8 years since he’d come to stay with the Merlyns. 5 since he was officially adopted by Malcolm. It wasn’t an anniversary that was celebrated. The circumstances and the fact that Barry still clung to his father kept it from feeling like it was something that needed to be. It also wasn’t as if Barry had spent much time in the system. Within days of his father being put away, Barry was released into Detective Wests care. When Malcolm had made arrangements to take him on as a foster, Barry had found himself moved straight from Joe’s to Malcolm’s. While the entire situation was traumatic he would still be considered one of the lucky ones. The actual adoption wasn’t an emotional one. Malcolm had asked at a time Barry was feeling hopeless, his faith that justice would be served and his father would be freed was wavering. Malcolm saw that in him and he also heard the whispers going around about how Malcolm had used his money to take in a kid but had no real intention of keeping him. While Barry would have preferred to be with his father he had also adjusted to his life in Starling. A part of him was worried that if he said he didn’t want to he would end up lost to the system like many others. He had requested that he would keep his last name. They compromised a bit. A few months later his new birth certificate read Bartholomew Henry Merlyn Allen. It was a mouthful and at any high society event he was introduced as the youngest Merlyn “to avoid invasive questions” Malcolm insisted. It didn’t completely stop questions but they usually abated when Malcolm mentioned that his wife had always wanted to be a foster parent. “I’m very proud to have him as my son.” Barry got good at hiding a wince. Not that Barry didn’t see Malcolm as a father figure but he didn’t often think of him as a dad.

There were times of course. The first time Barry sprained his wrist during a training session Malcom had wrapped it for him. At one point when Barry was sick with the flu and Malcolm was working from home he’d taken the time to check on him a few times even bringing him soup at one point. The day James Martin shoved Barry so hard during gym class that he ended up with a concussion. The hell Malcolm reigned down was torrential. He later gave Barry permission to “teach him a lesson” if he ever got in his way again. Luckily for both Barry and James, James kept his distance from then on. For those times there were 5 times more when Malcolm was either invested in his work or training Barry. He never coddled Barry, not that he wanted to be, he got more than enough pity.

Meanwhile Tommy and Barry wavered between housemates, to somewhat friends. And maybe that was normal for adoptive siblings. He’d been an only child before everything went to hell and so had Tommy. Neither of them really had anything to compare it to. As they got older and matured so had their friendship. They didn’t often refer to each other as siblings but they were still brothers. Even still Tommy never made much of a big deal about his adoption day. As far as Barry knew it had faded into obscurity in Tommy’s mind. Which is why it surprised Barry when he returned to his dorm mid-spring quarter and found Tommy hanging out in his room. It wasn’t until they were sitting in barstools at big Belly Burger that Barry remembered that something else significant had happened around this time. So when Tommy raised his milkshake and toasted “happy adoption day.” Barry heard something else. Something that followed him to a bar where Barry agreed to one singular drink. When Tommy raised his glass to toast this time Barry took over and instead said “Happy Birthday Oliver.”

“Happy Birthday Oliver.” Tommy repeated and clinked their glasses together. When they strolled out of there Tommy threw one arm over Barry’s shoulder and Barry around his. They stayed that way almost all the way back to the dorms. Barry pulled out the guest bed from the closet together they managed to assemble it without too much trouble. After they’d readied for bed they stayed up watching shitty TV until they fell asleep.

Tommy spent one more day with him before he went back to Starling. Barry saw him off at the train station and as soon as his train was called Tommy squeezed his shoulder and said “Thanks Bear.” Barry responded with a pat on the back and then he was off.

Later when he was out on a date with Ana he found himself thinking about Oliver, Tommy, Sara, Laurel, himself. “We’re all still just kids aren’t we?” He said out loud. “Hmm?” Ana turned to him in question head lifting from where it had been resting on his shoulder. It was finally just warm enough for them to go to the beach. At least to sit on the beach far from the water and watch the sunset.

“Sara and Oliver will never get any older. Tommy, Laurel, and I, we’ve been through so much and we’re trying so hard to keep our lives in one piece and be adults, whatever that means, but really we’re all still just kids.”

Ana hummed deliberating over it all with him. “You know what I think? I think people get older and their lives change, and they have to adjust around these changes. But we do that our whole lives. The only thing other than the number of responsibilities that separates adults from teenagers is how good we get at making the world think we’re doing just fine.”

“Look at you miss philosophical, thinking about changing majors?”

She smiled and shook her head leaning back in closer as the sun started to touch surface with the water. Barry looked up at where the sky went from orange to purple. “I think you’re right.”

“Ah you’re learning.” She teased with a smirk. Barry laughed and tickled her side with the hand he had wrapped at her waist. She giggled and squirmed against him that had het building inside his abdomen but it abated as they settled down his thoughts drifting back to her words.

“Tommy’s been pretending he’s okay. I’m worried that it’s all going to catch up to him.”

“You should talk to him. In fact, go see him next weekend. Midterms will be over so you probably won’t have any homework. No excuses, so go be there for your brother.”

The sky in front of them was almost completely purple the sea swallowing up oranges and reds.

“It’s beautiful.” She sighed inching her way into his lap. As soon as she settled he wrapped his arms around her and rested his head atop hers. Barry had at first hesitated to come out there unsure how he’d feel being this close to open but it wasn’t anything like he’d expected. Instead of fear or sadness he only wondered if Sara had seen something like this. He imagined her smiling at the sight. Soon the sun disappeared and the cold air nipped at their skin even through sweaters. They gathered their things and shook out the blanket they were sitting on so they could wrap themselves in on their way back to Barry’s car. Tommy had driven it out there for him seeing as he would need it to bring his things home for the summer and Tommy was coming out there anyways.

The following week Barry spent ages agonizing over how to broach the situation with Tommy. Lately things had led Tommy to be comfortable helping Barry with his problems. But the closeness between them was still very new despite living together for so many years. Tommy never talked through his own issues with Barry. He knew the likelihood of the conversation going smoothly was slim to none. But Tommy had been there for Barry for months. Barry knew the signs of someone spiraling into themselves, he knew it well. It was time for Barry to be there for his brother too. So early on a Saturday morning he got in his car and drove back to Starling. When he first got to the mansion well into the afternoon Tommy was nowhere to be found. Tired from the trip and having already had lunch on the way he retired to his room. Falling onto the familiar sheets brought up a rare sense of homesickness. Barry had gotten pretty well adjusted to dorm life but this, this was home. Soft grey sheets and a matching comforter wrapped snuggly around him. A house so large could be daunting when quiet but at this time it was comforting familiarity. He half expected to hear the sounds of Tommy and Oliver echoing down the halls while they plotted their next escapade. Instead the warm silence lulled him to sleep.

In his sleep Barry dreamt of a booth at Big Belly Burger. He could smell the greasy drippy burger he set aside when the waitress placed a huge pile of cheesy fries in the center of the table. Laurel watched with amused disgust while two more were set down. Barry grabbed one and Oliver and Tommy each took one. Sara patted him on the shoulder with a “You got this.”

“Ready boys?” They all nodded.  
“Go!”

He was choking down a handful of greasy fries when he was shaken awake. He was embarrassed to wipe drool from his face before opening his eyes to greet Tommy.

“What are you doing home? Heard you snoring the minute I walked in the house.”

Barry scowled at him. He did NOT snore. Choosing to otherwise ignore the jab he shrugged. “Missed Edith’s cooking.” Tommy raised an eyebrow not doubting that was true but certain that wasn’t the only reason Barry was there. Barry pretended not to notice the look instead climbing out of the bed to stretch. He then made straight for the door changing the subject to complain about how exhausting mid-term week had been. Tommy followed deciding to play along and they found themselves in their usual spot. Barry was thrilled to discover Edith had made pizza for dinner as if sensing Barry was coming. Tommy seemed to share his sentiments as he wasted no time helping himself to a slice right after Barry taking a bite before he even sat down and groaning happiness.

“I’m starved haven’t eaten since noon. I’ve been all over Starling all day.”

“Yeah? What were you up to?”

“Oh you know just getting some things together for our trip this summer.” He started in chatting away about everything they were going to get into when they got over there. Barry was losing control of the conversation but he was unsure how to subtly steer the conversation back to Tommy himself.

“Are you inviting Laurel to come?”

“Nah Laurel’s got grown up stuff to do like work.” Tommy joked reaching for another slice.

“Oh cool. So how are things going with you two?” Tommy looked at him oddly.

“About how they’ve always been. Is this about what you told me before? Cause Barry I kept my promise I didn’t tell her-.”

“No no. I just meant I know you guys are dating or whatever and maybe before we could do another group thing with Ana and I and-.”

“Whoa Barry. Me and Laurel are not dating. Why would you think we were dating?”

Barry blushed realizing where he’d erred and not seeing how he could play around this. “Um I kinda well saw you guys. Wait no not ‘saw you’.” Barry spluttered when Tommy’s eyes widened in horror. “I just saw you like making out once and I thought there was something. I mean there’s obviously something but not the something I thought.” Tommy spared the both of them any more of Barry’s word vomit by nipping it in the bud right then.

“It’s not like that. What Laurel and I have is just casual.” Barry nodded obviously feeling to mortified by the entire conversation before making an excuse about (nonexistent) homework to scurry away.

Eventually he found himself where he always ends up when he has a lot on his mind and time on his hands. Today he decided to set up a punching bag and wrap his knuckles. He was fully engaged in aiming hit after hit at the bag headphones blaring in his ear when he felt a draft that suggested the main door had been opened. When stopped to look at the intruder he was surprised not to see but Malcolm but instead it was Tommy. Tommy who was transfixed by everything around him as he slowed his steps toward Barry to take it all in.

“I’ve never been in here. Always wondered what it looked like but-.” Whatever he was going to say next he decided against instead turning his attention to Barry who’d pulled out one of his earbuds and turned his MP3 player down. “So are you going to tell me why you really came out this weekend or do I have to guess?”

Barry turned back to the bag frustrated with his own inability to just ask Tommy what he needed to ask. Tommy had just done it with no effort at all. And maybe that’s how he should do it. Just ask how Tommy would. He stopped after sending one last kick at the bag. When he turned back he saw that Tommy was still standing in the same spot just watching. He’d rarely seen Barry train and any time he’d seen Barry fight off a bully it had always been more about getting away only throwing punches when he needed to. Shaking out of his thoughts Tommy raised in eyebrow as if to ask “ready to talk now?”. He wasn’t expecting Barry to question him instead.

“I came home to see how you were doing.” Tommy definitely wasn’t expecting that.

“Me? Why because I didn’t want to spend Oliver’s birthday alone? That’s hardly a reason to-.”

“It’s not that. You just never talk about how you’re coping with everything. Not with me and I doubt you’re talking to Laurel so-.”

“I don’t need a shrink Barry. And I’m ‘coping’ just fine.”

“I didn’t say anything about a shrink. But maybe that’s not a bad idea. Keeping everything to yourself and just ignoring it isn’t healthy you-.”

“Did it help you?”

“What?” Barry’s brow furrowed caught off guard.

“The therapists. The thousands of dollars’ worth of therapy you went through as kid. None of it helped you did it? None of it fixed you.” Seeing the way Barry jerked back in hurt Tommy almost wanted to take it back.

“I don’t need to be fixed.” The amount of pain and anger in those words was palpable but Tommy wasn’t done yet.

“Come on Barry. You have to admit that you’re the last person who should be teaching healthy coping. Especially when you still believe all that stuff about lightning and men in yellow. Talk about it with Laurel? I distinctly remember you asking me not to talk about stuff with Laurel. And what about all this?” He turned in a circle arms wide and gesturing around them. “You think spending hours of the day beating the crap out of dummies, fighting with your foster father and punching a bag like it assaulted you is healthy? I bet you want to take a swing at me right now? Is that what makes you feel better Barry? As a matter of fact, how about you show me right now?” He was right up in his face now Barry’s heaving chest inches from his but he kept his mouth shut tight though his fists clenched at his sides.

“Come on Barry teach me how it works. Show me what kind of person perfect Barry Allen really is.” Barry’s hand came up but instead of taking a swing he shoved Tommy back and stalked away. Behind him Tommy turned and called out “That’s right Barry run away. Because you get to run away and pretend all you want that you’re not.”

He wandered around for a bit. Taking a walk to clear his head. Though he’d managed to hold it back in front of Tommy he was beyond angry and worse, even more frustrating, he was hurt. He wanted to believe that Tommy didn’t mean those things but he knew he had to at least believe some of it to say it. In all the issues between them he’d never called him crazy. Never echoed the whispers in the halls when he was in high school. Even when they’d argued that had always been the line. The betrayal Barry felt at Tommy crossing it was like a serrated knife against his skin. And with the suggestion that Barry was broken, he hadn’t just cut into him he’d sawed away at his flesh leaving him bare and vulnerable to all the venom he could spit into the wounds.

He found himself wondering if maybe he shouldn’t have come back in the first place. Even if Tommy hadn’t meant anything he’d said the only thing Barry had succeeded in was renewing the divide between the two of them. What had once been a thin wall was now a bubbling pit of magma and flames ignited by pain and anger. But then again Tommy’s word as he was leaving replayed in his mind and he knew he couldn’t leave. Barry wouldn’t run away he couldn’t just turn his back like Tommy clearly expected of him. It had nothing to do with proving a point. He needed to get through to Tommy and if that meant taking a few verbal beatings well then he could take it.

Steeling himself Barry made the trip back to the house. He wasn’t going to approach Tommy right away after that figuring he deserved some time to cool off. He wasn’t going to hide out either though. They did a lot of that when they were younger and it never helped anything. So instead of holing up in his room or the library he chose to lounge for a bit in the main den. Half way through an episode of next generation his phone rang. Seeing the name on the caller ID he smiled and settled in deeper into the couch.

“Hey.” He smiled into the speaker.

“Bartholomew Henry Allen not even a text to tell me you got home safely?” There was enough humor in her voice that Barry knew she wasn’t really that upset. Scatter brained as they both were they always joked that they were “relationshipping wrong” month anniversaries and good night texts weren’t always priority on their minds when they each had 4 papers due by midnight. They just had a different way of doing things, and it worked. Sometimes Ana would tag along to his training sessions with a pile of homework to do off to the side. And sometimes Barry would sit in one of her lectures. They couldn’t always make time but when they found it they committed to it 100%. It would be a lie to say they didn’t have any problems. They fought just like every other couple. Ana had tried not to be hurt by the fact that Barry had kept so many secrets from her for months but she was only human. There were days when Barry found himself in a funk and Ana insisted that going out would make it better despite his protests. Sometimes Barry forgot about plans or was an hour late. But they always worked through it. After the day he’d had Barry was more than willing to play along by half jokingly offering to make it up to Ana with the biggest box of chocolates she’d ever seen.

“I don’t know, I kinda had a little something else in mind.” There was a very familiar edge to her voice that had a faint heat building up inside of him.

“Oh yeah?”

“Mhm, but you’ll have to wait until you come back.”

“I see, maybe I should hurry back.”

“Depends. Did you talk to your brother yet?” Mood killed.

“If by talk you mean got into a massive argument.”

“You fought? What happened?”

“About what I expected to happen. Tommy’s never taken well to being pushed. We’ve never really been close I’m not exactly his first pick for someone to talk to. I’m sure as hell not Oliver. I’m the exact opposite of Oliver. You know, Oliver would know how to talk to him and what to say. But he can’t and that’s the problem. After he lost his mom he met Oliver. Oliver probably helped him through it. He had someone who was there and they understood each other and now he doesn’t have that person anymore. I can’t just step in and replace that.”

“You lost that person too Barry. I think if there’s anyone who could understand him right now, it’s you. He doesn’t need you to be Oliver. He needs you to be you.”


	9. Chapter 9

All night he’d tossed and turned. In his dreams he watched Sara, Ana, and his mother drown while he tried to save them. Swimming harder and harder but never getting any closer. All of a sudden he was running, at first the sounds of pounding feet and taunts of Tony Woodworth was behind him. Suddenly the pounding of sneaker on concrete was overtaken by crackling. Bright yellow streaks slapped and bit at his back and arms causing him to stumble. Regaining his stride, he ran faster the sight that greeted him when he glanced back had his heart pounding in his chest and he turned his head back heart stopping entirely. He was right in front of him now. The man in yellow. Lighting was arcing away from him and his eye glowed with blood red. His mother’s screams filled his ears. “BARRY! RUN! BARRY!” He jerked awake. Sweat dripping down his forehead but all he felt was cold. He was panting and shaking. Checking the clock on his nightstand to find that it was only 4 am but also realizing he wouldn’t be getting anymore sleep he threw off the blanket. After a warm shower he trained into a pair of sweats and a T-shirt. When he got down the stairs he stopped by the kitchen long enough to down a glass of orange juice. He plugged in his headphones and stretched for a bit. Decently warmed up he took off onto the grounds.

There was just something about running for Barry. Pushing his body to the absolute limit until the only thing he could think about is how fast his heart is beating and the ache in his body. And then he’d power through pushing harder and harder until the adrenaline kicks in and then nothing but freedom. Freedom from the loud and harsh world around him. From pain, guilt, and anger. The only thing to be felt is the cool breeze on his hot skin.

By the time he’d finished his run and had a good long shower it was 6 am. It was while he was getting dressed that it caught his eye. The scrapbook from Sara. He pulled on his shirt as he made his way across the room to his desk. He picked it up, flipped through it a bit. With a sigh he closed it and sat it back down on his desk and instead picked up his car keys and jacket.

When he got downstairs he went straight for the kitchen. As expected Tommy was sat up eating French toast. When Barry entered the kitchen Tommy sat up straighter he opened his mouth to speak though the guilt on his face was already speaking for him.

“Barry I-.”

“Don’t, do you wanna go for a drive?”

“What?” He clearly hadn’t been expecting that.

“A drive. Meet me outside when you’re done with that.” Tommy shoved one more fork full in his mouth and took a big gulp of his coffee.

“I’m ready now. Where are we going?”

Barry said nothing and instead turned to leave and Tommy followed behind. He was silent even as they got in his car and started off.

“You’re not driving me somewhere to kill me and dispose of the body are you?” At the look Barry shot him for that he winced.

“Hey um, I’m sorry about what I said yesterday. I didn’t mean any of that.”

“Yes you did.” Barry said before he could stop himself but figuring lying wouldn’t do either of them any good right now. “You wouldn’t have said it if you didn’t somewhat mean it. Look, let’s not talk about that right now.”

“No Barry you have to know I don’t think you’re crazy. Yeah I don’t fully understand how your mind works. But I mean I don’t understand all that science stuff you do either. It doesn’t- “

“Tommy seriously It’s okay I’m not going to hold it against you. It’s not like I didn’t know.” He bit his lip. “It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard before.”

“Barry.” They were stopped at a light and the tone in his voice had Barry looking over at him. His face was full of a seriousness that Barry rarely saw from the older man.

“We’re family. I’m your brother, you shouldn’t have to put up with that crap from anyone but you sure as hell shouldn’t have to put up with it from me. As a matter of fact, feel free to sock me. Lightly, sock me lightly, we aren’t all trained in tai kwon do or whatever it is you do.”

Barry couldn’t help but laugh. And once they’d crossed the intersection he glanced over this time with a grin. He straightened his face out again and channeled a bit of Malcolm Merlyn seriousness to say. “No promises.” When Tommy only laughed in response Barry took a second to stare at him seriously as he pulled into a parking lot. Tommy’s swallow was audible and Barry couldn’t resist breaking out into laughter. He parked and Tommy took the opportunity to punch him in the shoulder though he was laughing too.

His brother was already unbuckling his seat belt out of reflex before he realized where they were. He looked around before turning to Barry in confusion mixed with apprehension. “He’s not buried here.”

“I know.” Barry climbed out of the car and glanced around waiting for Tommy to do the same.

“So this is a kill me and bury the body trip. Gotta say I’m impressed by your cunning, hide the body in a cemetery.” He joked but it wasn’t hard to guess who’s grave they were there to visit. They both kept silent as they walked through row after row. When they reached Sara’s Tommy hung back a bit while Barry walked closer. He looked back at him. Tommy looked like he’d rather be anywhere other than there, his entire body was braced like he was fighting the urge to make a run for it.

“She’s not buried here either. I don’t know if it even makes a difference. I never visited my mother’s grave.” He could hear and feel as Tommy stepped up closer on his left though still slightly behind him.

“I visit my mom’s every year on her birthday. It’s different, with her there’s closure in knowing she’s there. With uh Oliver it’s an empty box there’s nothing there, it’s like he didn’t just die, it’s almost like he doesn’t exist. It doesn’t feel real sometimes. I still forget, still try to call him.”

Ana’s words from the night before came back to him. “It took the Lances a while to cancel her phone bill. Sometimes I called even knowing I would get a voicemail. Sent her a few txt messages expecting to get a text back until a while later.”

“I went to the bar sat down and ordered two shots of whiskey even slid it over expecting him to pick it up until I turned to toast. I keep waiting for him to show up and say it was all some crazy prank. But it’s not. They’re not coming back and we’re supposed to just move on with our lives.”

“We don’t move on. Moving on means letting them go and we don’t have to let go and forget. We have to move forward. It’s what Sara would want for me, and it’s what Oliver would want for you too.”

“Oliver would want me to be partying right now. I tried that, hasn’t been helping much.” He snorted.

“Well are you partying to forget or are you partying to have a good time?”

“It’s not a good time without my best friend.”

“It’s not the same. And it won’t ever be. But different doesn’t have to be a bad thing.”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe is a start. We can work with maybe.”

Tommy cracked a half smile. Figuring it was about time for them to go but wanting to have one more minute to himself he asked Tommy to wait for him by the car. He nodded with a short glance at the stone behind Barry. Barry watched him walk away for a moment and then turned back to the grave.

“Hey. Thank you for the birthday present. I’m still trying to figure out how to just be without you here. You and Oliver probably would’ve had us sorted out in half a second. You guys were better at this whole sibling thing than us. We’re getting better though I think. I wish you were here. I wish I’d told you not to get on that boat. I wish I hadn’t asked Tommy to keep secrets from Laurel for me. You should see those two. They act like there’s nothing between them but everyone other than them can see they have feelings for each other. Ana’s been great. I’m a mess but Ana’s been great. I think you’d like her. She’s got weird sense of humor. Which yeah I know pot kettle. She likes adventure and spontaneity; I could see the two of you dragging me into all kinds of trouble. I should go, Tommy’s waiting. Look out for Oliver for him.” He sat his hand atop the stone and closed his eyes imagining her for a minute. Seeing her long blonde hair framing her smirking face. He could almost hear a whispered “I’ll keep him in line.”

With a smile Barry turned and made his way back to the car tucking his hands into his jacket pockets. When he got back he found Tommy just leaning back against the passenger side door. “Sorry I took so long.” Getting closer he saw a few tear tracks on Tommy’s face which he tried to subtly wipe away. Barry didn’t mention them. Instead he simply got in the car and started it up. The ride back home was silent but not awkward.

Back at the house they were both surprised to find Laurel just pulling in as well. They walked back out of the garage to meet her. After a quick hello and a hug Barry excused himself saying he was starving. Which was true he hadn’t eaten much of anything all day but also a good if albeit subtle excuse to leave the two of them alone. He shipped it. He also planned to inform Tommy of this every chance he got. After gorging himself on left over pizza Barry went upstairs to take a long nap. Feeling much more relaxed now the exhaustion from a restless night and early morning run was catching up with him. If he was at school his first instinct would be to find the nearest source of caffeine. Instead he took full advantage of being home to throw himself onto his bed. He was out within seconds. This time he dreamt about the coming summer. Strolling around the streets of Spain and Rome with Anna. He had a lot to look forward to.

When he woke up he to work throwing his things together. When he was done he came downstairs and Andrew informed him that Malcolm and Tommy were having dinner in the dining room. Barry went to join them.

“Hello Barry, nice of you to join us. Tommy said you came in yesterday.”

“Yeah was just feeling a little homesick I guess.” Malcolm raised an eyebrow but didn’t question him any further instead changing the subject to talk about his latest project. Eventually the discussion came around to how Barry was doing in school. Barry told him about his classes and how he’d just finished midterms. Malcolm knew all about this already, he kept close tabs on all his kids, but they didn’t need to know this though he was sure Tommy at least suspected. As for Barry, other than the under aged drinking he’d never had much to hide from Malcolm. His grades were always near perfect and anytime Sara got in trouble he was usually with her, he’d never let her take the fall for anything by herself that’s just who he was.

Malcolm would never discourage Barry’s capacity for loyalty, not when he had hoped it would be of great use to him one day. When Barry left that evening to return to school, Malcolm retreated to his study. So far all the pieces to his plan were coming together nicely. He’d felt hints of remorse for the deaths of Oliver and Sara. They hadn’t been intentional collateral damage but he had hope that it would fuel Barry’s strength one day. And maybe Tommy as well. If he ever found out the things that Malcolm had done, the things he will do, he might never look at him the same way again. Which is why he would never reveal the truth to Tommy , one day, when Barry was ready, when he has become the man Malcolm is molding him to be, Malcolm would start to integrate him into the fold. He’d seen it in Barry’s eyes over the years. A darkness that he fostered at every opportunity. There were road blocks. Barry was still his parent’s son in many ways. Some parts of him Malcolm was certain were just in his nature, his light and kindness. But there were other parts of his nature that he knew he could use. His propensity for revenge. And that stubborn loyalty. Malcolm couldn’t claim he didn’t care for the kid who’d been under his roof for 8 years, he was his. The bond between master and apprentice is something strong and revered. Barry was his apprentice, and when he rebuilt the Glades both his sons would be at his side. If he had his way his daughter would be to. ‘Patience’ he told himself at the thought of Thea Queen. Yes, he was certain that one day all his plans would come fruition. It would be worth all the collateral damage. With that thought in mind he shut down the pain of remorse picked up his phone to dial a number he now had memorized.

“I believe it’s time to start phase 2 of the plans.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that ends part 1, part 2 starts after one last time skip. It's time for things to get a little more interesting....


	10. 2010

Part 2

2 years and one month late Later (June 2010)

Barry Allen was going to be late to his own graduation. He was running as he was want to do since the first day he’d learnt how. In his pocket his phone rang non-stop, most likely Ana wondering where he was. He fumbled with it along with the zipper for his robes. He tossed his chords and sashes around his neck haphazardly and crammed the phone between his ear and shoulder.

“I know; I’m running a little late but I’m going to make it. Swear I’m nearly there.”

“You’re a terrible liar Barry Allen, especially to me. Do you really want to see the face Malcolm makes when you miss your own graduation? No one’s going to survive that wrath.”

At the very thought Barry picked up the pace. Converse smacking the concrete, yeah Malcolm would be annoyed over those to. But at least he’d worn dress pants and a nicely creased shirt. Barry squeezed his way through the mob of other students apologizing profusely. “I’m here, I’m here, just gotta check in and then-.” He paused to do such eyes already scanning for his girlfriend. Spotting her he hung up and shuffled over sheepishly.

She immediately swatted her with something she had in her hand.

“Look at you you’re a mess.” She helped him straighten out his robes. When she brushed at his hair he noticed her smirk before saying “You’re missing something.”

“Oh god, my cap, I can run back and get it, you think I’ll make it back in time for-.” His words were silenced by her lips on his and he felt as she sat the object she’d previously used as weapon on his head. With a sigh he took her hand and smiled. “What would I do without you?”

“You left it in my dorm last night, Mr. Howser. Which I could have told you if you’d answered your phone.” She smiled and tugged him along through the crowd that had started to line up with their walking partners.

He started up to defend himself. “Oh no I don’t even want to know, after 3 years I’m well aware that the universe is against Barry Allen getting anywhere on time.”

They were at the front of the line before long. Barry nervously adjusted his cap. The night before Ana had helped him decorate it. While they worked on their caps he explained to her why he’d wanted that particular name on his cap. When Tommy looked down at the figures strolling down the aisle he grinned. In big white letters the name “Doogie” on Barry’s cap stood out and he snapped a picture. When Barry’s name was called Tommy cheered at the top of his lungs and Malcolm clapped with pride in his eyes.

Later they all went out to dinner, Malcolm’s treat. It was the first time Malcolm had met Ana’s parents. Barry had been more than a little anxious for the meeting. But in light of the celebration any anxieties were overwhelmed by joy. Ana and Barry chatted away with Tommy while their parents got more acquainted with each other.

“Laurel wanted to be here, but works been pretty busy for her lately. There’s been a lot going on in the Glades. Everyday it’s something down there.”

“I understand when I was in town a few weeks back the SCPD was slammed.”

“And instead of leaving like any sane person he accepted a job.” Ana added glass of wine in hand.

“I’m going to be a forensic assistant I won’t be at crime scenes.” She raised an eyebrow.

“Active crimes, I won’t be at any active crimes.”

“I still don’t understand why you didn’t go to Star Labs for a job. I mean aren’t you still obsessed with that place?” Tommy chimed in now. They hadn’t even noticed they’d garnered their parent’s attention until Mr. Henderson chimed in.

“I think it’s rather noble of Barry to want to do something good for the city. Give back to law enforcement.” Catching on to where this conversation was leading Malcolm changed the subject offering up a toast to Barry and Ana’s achievements.

That night Barry packed up his dorm room for the last time and with Tommy’s help carried all of his things out. Malcolm would be taking a car out but the brothers had insisted on driving back together.

“So that was the most awkward celebration dinner I’ve ever been to. Bet you’re glad the both of you are going to be working in Starling.”

“She’s really excited about this tech job at Queen consolidated. Do you think it’s too soon to ask her to move in with me? Not in the house, I was planning on getting an apartment but do you think it’s too soon?”

Tommy had almost tripped at the dramatic change in conversation but quickly regained his footing to load the last box into the trunk.

“First of all do you even understand how segues work?” Barry shrugged. Getting into the passenger’s seat so Tommy could drive this time.

“Second you’ve been dating for three years. She’s probably already picking out the curtains. Have you even started apartment searching yet?”

“Umm kind of?”

“Dumbass. So I see we have some apartment hunting to do when we get home. As a matter of fact, take out your phone. We’re going to write down your criteria for this apartment and email it to dad’s personal assistant before we get back to Starling.”

“I don’t think he’s going to appreciate us using his-.” Barry immediately shut up and got to work at the hard look sent his way. Not long after they were done Barry started to nod off. He fought it off as best as he could but it had been a long week and exhaustion was winning out.

“Just go to sleep Bear. I won’t flip the car over without you droning on. Besides you’ll need your rest if we’re going to start hunting first thing tomorrow.”

Between turning 21, finals, getting ready for graduation, and getting the job at the SCPD, Barry had hardly slept in the last two months. So when he finally made it home he was more than willing to let Andrew and a few others take care of bringing his things inside. Meanwhile he trudged up to his room. The hot shower that followed only served to further lull him to sleep so that the moment his head hit the pillows he was out like a light. Barry slept deeply that night and when he awoke he got dressed and went to the kitchen where the staff was bringing food out to the dining room. Realizing Malcolm must be in he moved into there instead.

“Is Tommy not up yet?” Barry checked his watch, while not an early riser Tommy was usually awake by then.

“I take it you weren’t aware of his plans then?” Barry paused with a forkful of pancakes hallway to his mouth.

“We had plans to go apartment hunting. But…that’s not what you’re talking about is it?”

“Tommy took off with the jet early this morning. It hasn’t landed yet so I’m assuming he took it somewhere overseas.” Malcolm eyed him down looking for any hint that Barry’s shock was manufactured.

He pushed back from the table and rose. “If you hear from him let me know immediately.” Even after Malcolm left the room Barry continued to sit still in confusion. ‘Why would he take off without telling me.’ Realizing for the first time that he hadn’t bothered to check his phone all morning he pulled it out of his pocket now. There was one message from Ana saying her flight had just landed. And one a few hours prior from Tommy.

Thomas: Sorry. Gonna have to apt hunt without me. I can’t explain right now but I will when I get back. Cover for me with Malcolm?

“A little late for that last part Thomas.” He texted back though he knew Tommy wouldn’t get back to him until he landed.

Barry: Where are you?

3 hours later Barry was touring some apartments near the precinct when his phone buzzed in his pocket. Barry took one glance at his phone and immediately started excusing himself. “I’m really sorry but I have to go. It’s uh family emergency. Just um. Sorry!” By the time he got home he’d gotten Tommy’s voicemail 6 times in a row. He took only a moment to be grateful he hadn’t been pulled over seeing as he would be working for the SCPD soon. He took the stairs 2 at a time and already cramming clothes in a bag when he called to book the earliest flight to China. It wasn’t often Barry threw the last name Merlyn around but this was an emergency. He had no idea what was going through Tommy’s head that he’d steal away to China in Malcolm’s jet without a word. But he had a bad feeling Tommy was going over the deep end and if that was happening Barry couldn’t just let him fall.

Which is how Barry found himself on a 14-hour flight to Hong Kong. Malcolm was going to murder them both when they got home. After a long and arduous flight, in which Barry really wished he could have flown first class he arrived in Beijing at 4 in the morning. The minute he landed he called Tommy and left a voicemail letting him know he’d landed in Hong Kong and “Where the hell was he?!” He then proceeded to tell him the same thing in a text message because he probably wouldn’t bother listening to it. Mere seconds later his phone was alight with messages.

‘What?!’

‘I told you to cover for me. Not follow me!’

A few minutes later in which he imagined Tommy freaking out as much as he had 16 hours ago.

‘Stay there I’m coming to get you.’

Lugging his backpack Barry made his way down to ground transportation. Finding a bench to sit down on and stretch his legs out in front of him he settled in for the wait. He’d blazed his way through 6 levels of bubble shooter when he was startled out of his deep concentration by a tap on his shoulder. He jerked to his feet and punched the idiot in his shoulder.

“Ow what the hell?” Tommy massaged the spot and Barry scoffed, he hadn’t hit that hard. “Barry, what are you doing here? I told you to cover for me.”

“What are YOU doing here? Who just takes off to China out of nowhere? And those messages? Yeah I’m in China don’t tell Malcolm. Who does that!?” Tommy was about to respond but noticed they were drawing a lot of attention.

“Sorry, jilted lover, come on honey let’s talk about this in the car.” He placed his hand at his back and guided him out before Barry even had the time to be embarrassed.

They climbed into the car and Tommy nodded at the driver that had clearly been waiting for him to come back out. Once they’d taken off he turned back to his little brother. “Does Malcolm know you’re here?”

“No. What’s going on? Why are we here Tommy?”

“You’re here because you’re a perpetual stalker.”

Barry glared at him not in the mood for jokes. “Why did you run away to China in the middle of the night Thomas?”

His eyes narrowed. But he chose to ignore the attitude he might as well start explaining himself now. And if there was anyone who he had any hope might believe him it was Barry.

“I need you to be Sara right now.” If Barry could have scooted any further away from Tommy, he would have instead he widened his eyes and asked an abrupt “What?”

Again ignoring the dramatics Tommy continued. “Sara always trusted you. No matter how cr- outlandish the things you said were. I need you to do that right now.”

“You need me to be Sara?”

“I need you to be Sara.” He took a deep breath and braced himself for the response. “Oliver’s alive.” Barry just stared at him for a minute then he dropped his head forward cradling it in his hand while he rested his elbows on his parted knees. “Tommy that’s-.”

“Sara.”

Barry ran his hands through his hair and tugged. Then with a sigh he brought one hand down and turned his head to look back at Tommy. He didn’t look drunk or high. His face was serious and eyes clear. Either he was having a break or he really believed what he was saying. Either way Barry was here so he was going to see this through. “Okay. How do you know Oliver’s alive?”

“He checked his email.” Barry stared at him, incredulous. He wanted to humor him, a part of him even wanted this to be true. But this was too much of a reach. A phone call or even an actual email would be worth it to him. But this?

“Nope. Nope. Not doing this Tommy, we’re going home. And when we get back we can f-.”

“Barry please.” The desperation in his voice and his eyes. He knew that look, he’d worn that look, lived in it. He had to see this through if for nothing else than for Tommy.

“Okay.” He nodded and sat back in the seat to look out the window. “Okay. So he logged in to his email. Why are we in Hong Kong?”

“There was an alarm on his account if he logged in the location would be pinged.”

“And it pinged here? Why would Oliver come to Hong Kong?”

“When we find him, you can ask him.” Barry wanted to ask what he’d do if they didn’t find him. A folder back home crammed full of research popped into Barry’s mind. And he already knew the answer.

“So where do we start? Are we just going to walk around Hong Kong handing out fliers or-?” Barry turned to look at Tommy and froze. “We’re going to walk around Hong Kong handing out have you seen me fliers?”

“There’s a FedEx at the hotel I’m staying in with printing service, they’re printing fliers as we speak. Speaking of the hotel we should start booking you a room. Malcolm called earlier, by the way. He’ll probably call again if or when he realizes you took off too.”

Barry zoned out while Tommy made arrangements with the hotel. Before long they were pulling up to the hotel. It was just as gaudy and extravagant as was par for the course when traveling with Tommy. Tommy preferred his adventures with comfort. He lagged behind Tommy, a bit jetlagged and still trying to shake off the voice inside his head telling him that this was a horrible idea and that he should drag Tommy kicking and screaming back to Starling. The bellhop offered to take his bag up to his room and he obliged too tired to be humble. After receiving his room key he and Tommy went straight to the elevator. Barry would freshen up, chug a few cups of coffee and then they’d be off. They didn’t make it to his door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgive me?


	11. Chapter 11

The moment Barry felt someone trying to pull a bag over his head his instincts kicked in. With a move he’d never really pictured himself using off the mat he flipped his attacker over his shoulder. He only had half a second to see another figure dressed in all black restraining his brother. A half mask covering the bottom half of his face. His legs were kicked out from under him and then he was on the floor while they wrestled. Out of the corner of his eye he watched as a needle was stuck into Tommy and slowly his struggling and grunts stopped. Barry started to shout but was cut off by a knee to his stomach that left him winded and had him fighting with renewed vigor.

 It occurred to him that it seemed they were trying to keep from actually injuring them. Barry had no intention of showing the same sentiment but knew it said something about their intentions. He wrestled his way on top of his attacker and smashed his fist into their face once, twice, three times. Tommy was being dragged away and he couldn’t take out the other guy until he incapacitated this one. When he looked back down at the man under him he noticed that the mask had slipped down a bit. They were likely kidnappers looking for ransom money. Barry reached out to tug the mask down further but his hand was knocked to the side and with an opening on his right side the man hooked his leg up and around twisting them around in a flash. Barry found himself on his stomach with the man on his back one arm pinned behind him. Knowing there was no other way Barry pulled a move that he knew would likely leave him with a dislocated shoulder to get the man off of him the two of them rolling away from each other. Lost in the pain lancing through his left shoulder he had missed the pen prick in his side.

When he braced himself to launch at the other man he froze. Even if there wasn’t a fast acting sedative in his body, he wouldn’t have been able to move. The mask had fallen down entirely and the face in front of him was one of a ghost. His vision was going hazy and the world around him was fading out he only managed to get a whisper that drifted across the hall to the other man who seemed to have frozen as well.

“Ollie?” And then the world went dark.

The moment Barry awoke he was lost in a haze of pain. This was a pain he’d felt before though the hands on his arm and shoulder weren’t Malcolm’s and the cold concrete beneath him wasn’t the floor of the training room back home. The room itself smelt of mold and dirt. Must from disuse. His own grunt of pain bounced off the walls in a way that suggested that it was empty of everything except himself and the person above him. But no matter how many times he went down the list of senses in his head to convince himself that everything that was happening was real, he couldn’t believe the concerned face hovering over his own. Not until they spoke for the first time. “You can’t tell Tommy.”

“Mother fu-.”

“Barry listen we don’t have much time, you have to trust me I’m doing this to save you and Tommy.”

“How in the hell is this saving us? Where is Tommy? What did you do with him?” The look in his eyes at even the vague suggestion that he might have hurt him was one of hurt and offense. Barry was pissed at the audacity of it.

“Tommy’s safe for now but if I don’t follow through with my plan then some really dangerous people will get to both of you. I know you’re pissed and you have every right to be but right now I need you to work with me at least for Tommy’s sake. An acquaintance of mine helped me stage a kidnapping. Tommy’s going to think I’m someone who hacked that as bait. You’ll be rescued by someone Tommy will believe is the police and then the two of you will go running home.”

Barry struggled to his feet. He was dizzy and unstable on his feet but he jerked away from Oliver’s attempts to help steady him. “How can you claim to give a shit about Tommy when you’ve been pretending to be dead for the past 3 years. Seriously what the fuck Oliver? And now you want me to lie to Tommy, go back to Starling and pretend nothing’s happened. Just go on pretending your dead and lie to all our friends and family until when!?” By the end of his rant he was yelling.

“As far as you or anyone is concerned once you leave, I’m dead. Because the Oliver you knew is dead. I’m not going back to Starling.”

“But your family-.”

“Don’t need this in their lives. This is my life now, and I won’t bring that home to my family. Starling City isn’t my home anymore Barry, and I’m not Oliver Queen anymore. Oliver Queen is dead.”

“You still haven’t told me anything about who’s after Tommy and how it makes a difference if we go back to Starling. From where I’m standing it sounds like a load bullshit from a coward to me Ollie.”

In an instant Oliver transformed cruelty filling his expression. “No one would believe you.” Barry glared at him seeing where this was going.

“You could go back to Starling and tell everyone you know and no one could believe you because out of the two of you the only one who saw my face is the crazy kid from Central City.”

Barry was silent anger boiling to a rage under his skin that he longed to unleash but logic won out. In his injured state he wouldn’t stand a chance. Oliver would drug him again and Barry would wake up on a plane half way to North America.

His shoulders drooped as defeat lined every inch of his body. “Fine. You win.” Oliver pulled the mask back over his face before brandishing the bag he’d tried to pull over his head back at the hotel. Bag over his head he turned his back to allow Oliver to zip tie his hands, silent the entire time.

“Oliver?” All he received in response was a grunt but taking that as acknowledgement he continued.

“Is Sara?”

There was none of that cruelty in his voice this time. If Barry could fool himself for a second he’d believe it was the old Oliver speaking. “Sara died on that boat. She’s gone Barry, I’m sorry.”

There were many questions that sprang to his mind. Most of them some variation of why the hell he’d survived and Sara hadn’t. But he didn’t ask them, all he wanted in that moment was to go home and pretend none of this had happened. As soon as the private jet touched down in Starling he could let all of this fade into a dream. It will all be over. He repeated this like a mantra in his head while he waited to be rescued. While he listened through an open door as Tommy was saved and then their savior came to help him as well. It kept him from throwing a punch at the phony police officer helping his arm into a makeshift sling. He hummed it through his bones to give his muscles the strength to board the jet. He screamed it into his wrist, pressed hard to his mouth in the bathroom just an hour and a half into the flight. He whispered it in his sleep when the adrenaline wore off and surrendered his body to exhaustion and painkillers that Tommy insisted the hotel staff procure before they left. Tommy who was doing his best to be the elder brother holding it together in a crisis. Tommy who thought he was in control meanwhile someone wearing the face of his friend thousands of miles behind them was playing puppeteer. Tommy who Barry would have to lie to for the rest of his life.


	12. Chapter 12

When he next awoke it was to Tommy nudging at his good side to avoid hurting him. Barry elected not to inform him that every prod still jilted his other side enough to have pain emanating through his shoulder and down his arm. It was fine really. He could take it.

They had entirely forgotten to be worried about the wrath of Malcolm Merlyn when they arrived home. At least until they were coming through the door. For not the first time they found themselves hoping Malcolm stuck to his usual elusive nature. Given the goings on of the previous 2 days they should have known better.

If Barry didn’t know any better he’d believe there was sympathy in Andrews tone whe he said “Your father is waiting in his study.

 

“I don’t even know where to start. You stole off in the jet without a word. Went to China to look for Oliver. And not only was your plan insane you dragged Barry into it-.“ Both Barry and Tommy immediately protested. “I didn’t tell him to come!” “He didn’t know I was coming!”

“And then you allowed the both of you to get kidnapped!” He may have been talking to the both of them but the way his eyes stopped on Barry said it all. After all what had he trained him for all these years if he couldn’t take a simple kidnapper on his own. But Barry couldn’t defend himself without revealing that he knew so much more. Of course he could tell his father that the people who attacked him had training similar to his own. But if they were as well trained as he would claim why would they have been found and stopped so easily? How could he explain that the same people who couldn’t be bothered to lock the door to their hideout had also managed to give him a dislocated shoulder and a black eye? He couldn’t, so he stayed silent. Something he knew he would have to get used to from then on.

By the time Malcolm was done reaming them out Barry had gone over the same train of thought over and under trying to find some way out of the knot he’d found himself tied in. By the time Malcolm had forced him into a car to the hospital to get properly looked at, he’d given up. Barry sat on the examination table and listened as the doctor went over his x-rays and assured him that his shoulder would heal on its own as long as he took it easy and used the sling provided to him by the hospital. And as he rose to his feet and walked back out, prescription for pain pills in hand he felt it as the hate in his heart for the man who’d murdered his mother found a partner in his burgeoning hatred for Oliver Queen. He crammed the prescription into his jacket pocket where it would likely be forgotten. After a trip to the pharmacy, while he waited for his medication to be prepared he wandered around aimlessly through the store. He barely took in anything around him so he was entirely unprepared when he turned into the snack aisle and collided with Laurel.

“Oh sorry! Barry? What the hell happened to you?” Barry suddenly found himself looking her straight in the eyes. Another person who he would have to lie to as long as she was in his life. It should be simple considering he’d been lying to her for 3 years already. But this, this was so much bigger. He looked away, no, he couldn’t lie to her face like that. So he told her the truth.

“I knew Oliver and Sara were sleeping together.”

Laurel stepped back as if she’d been slapped. Confusion winning out over anger at first. “What?”

“I also knew she was going to get on that boat. I’m Sor-.” He felt the sting before he even realized she’d lifted a hand. His cheek was redder than hers that were flushed in anger. Tears were running down her face now. “Fuck you.”

“You knew? For two weeks you knew my sister was dead and you did what? Sat up in your preppy school without a word? How dare you!?” Each word was punctuated with a hit to his chest. And he took each one with only a flinch at the pain it sent rocking to his shoulder. He kept his expression clear as she slowed to a stop with a sob. He backed a way. He stared at her guilt fighting tooth and nail to take it all but no. ‘It has to be this way.’ And with that thought he turned and walked away. He picked up his prescription and went home.

Finally, back in his own room he went straight for the bathroom kicking off his pants and tearing of his shirt and sling. He leant to turn the nozzle on his shower and when he stood up straighter he caught his reflection in the mirror. He hadn’t seen his own face since the bathroom mirror on the jet. The swelling had gone down a bit. Thought the color of the bruise around his eye was now more blue and purple than red. He prodded at it a bit with his fingers and winced. He dropped both his hands down onto the sink counter. Seeing something odd in the mirror he leant forward a bit to get a better not quite sure what he was looking for until he saw it. There in his eyes, a look he recognized. A look he’d seen I someone else’s eyes many years ago when he’d sat in a hospital with a broken arm. It was the look he’d seen in Malcolm’s eyes many of times in the training room. He knew that look, even now he was wary of it and it had him immediately pulling away from the mirror. Instead he pulled of the rest of his clothes and climbed into the shower instead.

When he exited his bathroom, towel around his waist he picked up the prescription bottle he’d tossed to the side earlier. Popping the allotted amount dry he made his way over to his dresser to dress for bed. He was just about to turn off the lights and climb into bed when there was a loud banging at his door.

“BARRY!” Tommy sounded furious and he knew why before he even opened the door. Putting on the most passive face he could accomplish he pulled the door open while Tommy’s fist was still raised to knock.

“What the hell did you say to Laurel?!”

Barry shrugged. “I told her the truth.”

“I thought we agreed we wouldn’t tell her! What good did it do? She called me pissed off and crying. She said you cornered her in the grocery store and just dropped that on her. What the hell is wrong with you?”

Barry channeled all of his anger into his next words. “How about in the last 48 hours I went all the way to China to chase a dead man! I was kidnapped and had the shit beat out of me. And for what!? What good came out of it? There’s nothing good here! All of this, the lying and running around like kids is fucked up. And we should all stop pretending otherwise. Laurel’s your friend. Sara was mine, and now she’s dead. She’s dead because of your friend who we chased across the globe knowing full well he was already dead. What did we gain from that?! Was it worth it Tommy? Did it change anything? Or did we come back right where we started. Maybe it’s time to grow up and start accepting what is.”

Tommy’s face was one of stone. He stared at him, waiting to see if he’d take it back. Apologize, admit it was just frustration and pain meds. Barry held his ground and glared back. Tommy nodded, turned on his feet and walked away. When Barry backed up enough to close the door he let his weight fall back against it. Tears welled up in his eyes in and he swallowed them back down. He walked across the room to an armchair where he’d thrown his jacket. Pulling out his phone he steeled himself and cleared his throat while the call rang through. The voice on the other end of his greeting was full of annoyance for which he apologized.

“I’m sorry for running out like I did and the late call. I’d like to put an offer on that last apartment.” After setting up a meeting time for the next day he thanked her and wished her a good evening. When he finally allowed himself to curl u in his own bed he gave in to the pain in his chest. He smothered sobs into his pillows and let all the tears that had been longing to fall all day pour down his face. They ran down his neck causing the neckline of his shirt to cling to his skin but he didn’t care. His hands curled into fists of frustration as pain gave way to anxiety in a way it hadn’t in years. Since the day he watched as his best friend and the most important person in his life was declared dead through a television screen. He cried for the wounds he’d ripped open in Laurel in the middle of a grocery store for all the world to see. She would likely never forgive him and that was okay, he wasn’t sure he could forgive himself. He cried for the chasm he’d dug between his brother and himself. Especially after he’d just had his hopes built up to a certainty and crushed in a dingy and cold room across the ocean. He cried at his own exhaustion and weakness. Tomorrow he would have to be strong. He’d stick to his guns and build up a front. He’d rebuild a life away from the ones he’d hurt because it was the best he could do for them. That’s what steeled his resolve the most. Telling himself he was doing this for them in the end. And if it saved him the pain of having to lie to them forever than that was just a bonus. The Barry that his friends and family knew died tied up in a room in a Hong Kong. And that night Barry mourned for him and his life. Because the next day he would become a different person.


	13. Chapter 13

Moving into his new apartment didn’t take long once he signed the lease agreement. He may not have had any help from Tommy who was ignoring him but he managed with the help of Malcolm’s employees. He figured he’d hold out on decorating until he officially asked Ana to move in with him. She said yes of course and when she came to Starling the day before his first day of work she came bearing suitcases and boxes. Her mother was right behind her already talking about curtains and furniture that had Ana rolling her eyes fondly. When she dropped the first hint about marriage in their future Ana rushed to change the subject, suggesting it was about time for her parents and her sister who’d tagged along to help check into their hotel. If Barry was honest he couldn’t help but feel a twinge of sadness at the thought of his own mother. There were always those moments, with every achievement and milestone he felt a bit of loss. Loss of the opportunity to share the moment with his parents. He had yet to introduce Ana to his dad. She’d never brought it up and neither had he. He’d considered asking once her parents left but once she finally ushered her family out and shut the door those thoughts were over taken by others. It had been weeks since they’d been alone together and he had a better idea on how they could spend the time. Of course that had to wait until after she gave him a proper dressing down for running off and getting himself kidnapped without a word to her until the day after he got back.

 

His first day working at the SCPD wasn’t quite what he expected but he probably should have. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t expected anyone there to know who he was. He had hoped that it wouldn’t have mattered. He’d hoped wrong. Barry had gotten comfy in college. In college the only things that had mattered were his interest and his drive. But now he was back in Starling and from the first day his reputation spoke louder to everyone than his intellect. From the moment he stepped into that precinct most of the officers and lab techs saw was Bartholomew Merlyn. An outsider. One of the privileged who had enough money to be above the law. They didn’t see little Barry Allen from Central City who wanted to do something to make a difference for people like him. They didn’t see Barry Allen who had the potential to make groundbreaking advancements in science but chose to work for law enforcement because he wanted to make the world a better place. They saw rumors and gossip. And for months that is all they would see.

Sometimes he’d see Laurel around the precinct to and he’d turn tail immediately before she had the chance to see him. She came around more than he’d expected and on the unavoidable times she did see him, she would look at him with so much contempt that the shame made him want to sink through the floor. Thankfully it seemed laurel had neglected to tell her father the things he’d imparted to her that day as his treatment of Barry was no different than it had always been. Unlike his feelings towards Tommy and Oliver, Officer Lance didn’t seem to mind Barry so much. When asked why, Sara’s reply was always “You’re Barry” as if no elaboration was needed. Even still Barry felt it best to avoid Officer Lance whenever he could. Which wasn’t often at all. Officer lance was well aware that Barry despite his chronic lateness and upbringing was a very bright kid. So he always requested him for crime scenes. Somedays it was taxing but really Barry loved his job. Even on the harder cases that kept him up at night, they at least kept other dark thoughts away. Thoughts wondering about the stranger wearing a familiar face running around somewhere far away though he might as well be in the shadows outside the window. Ana had noticed the change in Barry not long after moving in but when asked about it he always claimed the stress of the new job was getting to him. When she started asking why his brother and Laurel were never around he told her that they’d had a falling out. Before she could ask what it was about he’d change the subject to her job at Queen Consolidated.

Ana loved her new job as well. And when she got the chance she would go on about things Barry only half understood from years with the programmer. But the excitement in her face never failed to make his chest feel warm.

As soon as Barry was given a clean bill of health from his doctor Malcolm insisted that he start training again right away. So on one of his few days off Barry found himself meeting up with Malcolm. He hadn’t been back on the Merlyn estate much since moving out. It was strange to be back but he wasn’t allotted much time to feel melancholy over it. Malcolm had left him to stretch a bit and he was in the middle of stretching his arms over his head. One minute he was groaning at the simple relief of something he hadn’t been able to do for weeks. And the next he was on his back. Something long and wooden came flying at his face and he reflexively grabbed at it. A Bo staff, and from where Malcolm was standing over him he could see that he had one of his own as well.

“I think it’s about time you had some more weapons training.” Referring to the fact that when Barry was younger he’d taught him a bit of archery. Barry had a good eye for trajectories but he’d struggled a bit with the technique itself. His shots were always either right on the mark or way off. Malcolm had insisted that he’d get better in time but Barry had avoided practicing whenever he could. Training with Bo staffs were quite different than Barry was used to. He’d cultivated his hand to hand skills around his agility and ability to maneuver quickly and efficiently. This was different but he liked it. The equal balance of offense and defense was something he quickly grew to enjoy. Though he had a hard time explaining away bruises at work and was grateful that a lot of his co-workers chose to ignore his presence all together once the newness wore off.  Ana wasn’t a huge fan, though that may have had something to do with the fact that it had only been a month and a half since he’d been kidnapped and had the snot beaten out of him all without her having known he’d left the country. She’d understood why he hadn’t had time to call her while it was happening. It didn’t mean she was happy about it if anything it made her worry more about his choice to work at the SCPD. She wouldn’t begrudge him this though, after being with him for 3 years she may not be able to understood why but she’d seen him restless without it enough to understand that it was a need.

It hadn’t taken Malcolm long to take notice of the distance between Tommy and Barry. At first he hardly heeded it any mind. Their relationship had always been tumultuous at best. He’d long since stopped questioning how one day they couldn’t be bothered with each other and the next they were the best of friends. It wasn’t until after Barry moved out that he realized that this was different than other times they had fought. There were a few things that clued him in. Normally when they were on bad terms the mere mention of Barry was cause for Tommy to roll his eyes. In Barry’s case it always seemed like he was aching not to talk about what was going on. Malcolm could never claim to be the best parent he’d given up all chance of that many years ago. But he noticed things. Noticed the way that now when Malcolm asked if he’d spoken to Barry lately, or so much as mentioned him, Tommy would turn cold in a way he’d rarely seen from his eldest son. As for Barry whenever Malcolm dropped his brother’s name mid conversation while he watched him train, there was always a flash of guilt in his eyes. What really threw him off was the way Barry would outright lie to him. This was new to Malcolm. Through the years Barry had made lies of omission of course as teenagers and adults were want to do with their parent. That was nothing, however, it seemed that Barry always had an excuse for not speaking to Tommy or declining to bring Ana and stay for dinner. He lied so perfectly that had Malcolm not been an expert liar himself he might have actually believed that “the case I’m working on right now is running me ragged, and Officer Lance was just made Detective and has been sending any evidence he can my way.”

On the other hand, there were changes in Barry that Malcolm saw as much more important than a bit of lying. He could overlook it entirely if the new fire in Barry’s eyes was there to stay. His protégé fought with a rage that he’d never seen from the kid before. At first he was concerned that some of that rage might be aimed at Tommy. But coupled with the other things he’d noticed a picture had started to form. A picture of Barry racked with guilt over not being able to protect his brother from a petty criminal. Angry at the people who managed to get the jump on him and wanting to keep the burgeoning darkness away from Tommy and wanting to push himself further than ever before. Tommy wouldn’t understand a dilemma Malcolm himself had had to come to terms with long ago. Yes, he could see clearly the direction Barry was heading and he was more than willing to help it along. There had been times over the years when he doubted that Barry would become what he had hoped. Sometimes it seemed the kid was light embodied. But as he watched his son attack Adam with the ferocity and control of an expert he knew could see the future he’d been planning for years in vivid detail. And when he saw the gleam in his apprentice’s eyes at the offer to teach him swordsmanship he saw it all starting to come full circle.


	14. Chapter 14

It was hard for Ana and Barry, adjusting to their new lives. Somehow it seemed they had even less free time than they had in college. Sometimes it seemed they only saw each other long enough to say goodnight, one or the other having to get up earlier and not wanting disturb the other’s sleep. They both felt run down most days and it lead to crankiness. And that crankiness led to arguments. Very petty arguments. Ana had a habit of leaving wires strong around the apartment which Barry would trip over. Barry left his crime scene reports everywhere. The floor, the couch, on top of the TV, counter in the bathroom. After a near incident where a particularly high profile case nearly experienced the rinse cycle of their dishwasher a very heated fight had started. It then led to Barry complaining about not being able to actually use the television because Ana had grown partial to connecting her computer for a bigger screen. At which point Ana fired back over the fact that he spent most of his free time with Malcolm anyways. Neither of them ever slept on the couch, luckily they had a guest room. The both of them were stubborn but it wouldn’t take long before one of them gave in. Sometimes they’d both give in at the same time. They could almost always find a solution. They didn’t really use the guest room for guests and seeing as Ana did more work at home then Barry that became her work space. Barry admitted to Ana that he’d actually been visiting his Dad in Iron Heights more often. In truth Barry hadn’t visited his father once that Summer. The guilt in lying to her wasn’t quite as strong as the shame that ate at him for not actually visiting his Father. Ana could understand a little self-defense especially after the kidnapping. But the extent of his training was something he’d always kept vague with everyone who wasn’t part of it. It wasn’t as if anyone asked. He definitely wasn’t going to volunteer that he was learning sword fighting. As for Henry, if there was one person who guaranteed could always see through Barry’s mask it was his dad. He would take one look at him and know something was off. And Barry couldn’t lie to his father’s face he really couldn’t. So Barry stayed away and hoped that when the time came when he finally could free his father that he’d forgive him.

That was something else that had kept Barry busy lately. Any minute he wasn’t working, training or giving into baser needs he was working his father’s case. Quietly of course. The whispers that had begun the first day he stepped foot in the precinct as an employee had simmered down over the summer. By mid-August the whispers were few and mostly unheard by Barry himself. The last thing he wanted was to remind people how he came to be in Starling in the first place. Not that it was a secret. As he’d gotten older and was in the limelight more and more as the youngest Merlyn it had become a popular topic of discussion for a while. But as Malcolm suppressed as many articles as he could it had been less news worthy and more of a gossip topic. And like all gossip interest waned periodically. He’d be damned if he was the one to bring up the chatter at his place of work. He had earned a level of respect for his work. While he didn’t bother to hide his interest in more unusual cases. Years of having to live in a constant state of critique had turned him weary of mentioning his birth parents around people he wasn’t close to. Let alone his father’s innocence. So he buried himself in the case whenever he could and whenever he caught wind of something unexplainable he pounced. Whether it was in his own backyard or led him to Keystone City.

It was a careful balancing act Barry was walking. A little brown nosing with the captain and he’d manage to get off work early enough to sneak into Queen Consolidated for a dinner with Ana. He’d listen raptly while she complained about her boss over her favorite Thai food. At least until said boss showed up and kicked him out leaving behind a fortune cookie, a forehead kiss, and a promise to see her at home. Later she’d tell him how her boss had threatened to fire her for the billionth time, even though they really wouldn’t when she was one of the most promising interns. The most promising intern. Or she was until late august when Felicity Smoak came along. According to Ana, Felicity Smoak was one of the most infuriating people that she had to work with. She was brilliant and aware of it, the boss liked her, and the most irritating part for Ana was that she found it impossible not to like Felicity.

“She’s literally the female version of you!” Ana complained from the shower one morning while Barry was brushing his teeth.

“Should I be worried?”

“Oh shut up. You know what I mean. That thing. That annoying thing that makes it really hard to be mad at you. It’s like trying to set a rainbow on fire, it would make me feel like Satan himself.”

Barry laughed, he’d heard this speech many of times before and it always made him chuckle.

“Why don’t you just make friends with her already?’

“Well it’s not that simple.”

It clicked for Barry then.

“Oh I get it.” 

Ana got out of the shower, and wrapped herself in her towel and they switched places without missing a beat. “Get what?”

“This isn’t just a jealousy thing; you have a nerd crush on her.”

Ana sputtered toothpaste leaking from her mouth in a manner that had her leaning further over the sink to rinse it off her face and dab with a towel.

“I do not have a nerd crush on Felicity Smoak.”

“Alright if you say so.” His tone said otherwise but she didn’t all him on it. Though she later wished she had when Barry showed up for her lunch break on one of his rare days off. He then proceeded to ask her if every one of her coworkers that walked by was her future “Science Bro”. After humoring him for a little while she started to push him out managing to get him to the door and was leaning in to give a quick kiss goodbye when the woman herself appeared behind Barry in the doorway.

“Oh! Excuse me I just need to get by.” Barry hurried to stand off to the side catching sight of the embarrassed look on his girlfriend’s face. “Sorry. Hi I’m Barry.”

“Felicity. Hi Ana sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt you and your boyfriend. Not that there was anything to interrupt. I mean not that- you- and- sorry. I’m just going to um get to work.” And with that she scurried away blond ponytail swing furiously behind her. Barry only watched in amusement for a moment before switching to grinning at his girlfriend. Who was equally if not more amused than he was.

“Well I don’t think we’re anything alike but I ship it.”

“Shut up.” She turned around and shuffled away. Barry chuckled once more before taking his leave.

As August came to a close Barry felt himself slipping into a melancholy mood. He wasn’t entirely sure where it was coming from. It was sudden and had his motivation lacking. It wasn’t until the first time he saw Thea Queen being marched through the station by detective Lance that it started to make sense to him. She wasn’t struggling in his grip. In fact, she was smirking. And as they passed by Barry who was half way between the coffee machine and the interrogation rooms, he caught the strong scent of Beer mixed with tequila.

“Thea?”

Before he could think twice Barry was already hurrying to cut them off on their course.

“Allen? Can I help you with something?”

“What’s uh what’s she in for?”

Thea snorted and rolled her eyes “Like you care.” She muttered and then her eyes seemed to light up a bit in a way that made him wary. “Hey do me a favor and call my mom. I’m sure it would be better coming from you.”

Barry doubted that, if anything it would make the situation more embarrassing than Moira Queen would already see it as. No Barry had another solution one that went against Thea’s obvious goal. Barry may have a burning hatred for Oliver Queen but his sister wasn’t part of that if anything knowing that she was a victim of his lies made him all the more willing to want to do something. So after a bit of leg pulling and negotiating he convinced detective Lance to just keep her for the half hour until he got off of work and then he’d drive her home. Considering the mood the detective had been in lately Barry was slightly surprised that he’d agreed but he wasn’t about to question it.

For the following 30 minutes he tried distractedly to get work done but all he’d really managed to do was place 2 samples in his centrifuge and copy down the readouts. As soon as the clock struck 10 o’clock he was cleaning up and rushing to toss a few folders in his messenger bag. He pulled on his jacket and his bad over his shoulder before making his way straight to the interrogation room (He’d argued against a holding cell for her first offense). Thea glared at him but said nothing until they were outside. Barry gestured in the direction of his car “This way.” But she turned and started walking in the exact opposite direction. “I can find my own way home.”

“You’ll be picked up again before you even make it home and I know you lost your cellphone. Just let me drop you off.”

She whipped around coming right up to him anger in her eyes. “Why do you care Barry? Why now? Just because you happened to be here. Is this supposed your good deed for the day?”

“Look Thea I know-.”

“Do you Barry? How could you possibly know? You and Tommy and Laurel. You’ve all had each other but no one’s even thought about me. It’s just me alone, you didn’t care before you saw me today, so don’t bother now.”

And what could Barry do really? He’d already made a point to distance himself from people he would have to lie to about Oliver. If he took Thea under his wing now he’d have to face up to his own lies every time he spoke to her. Then again maybe he owed it to her to at least be there especially as it seemed no one else was. Starting with at least a little honesty.

“I’m sorry Thea. Wait hear me out.” She’d started to back away. “I don’t know what you’re going through but I know a lot about grief. Grief makes people selfish.” She flinched. “Not just you, us, all of us. I’m not making an excuse here I just don’t want you to think that you’re being forgotten because nobody cares. Thea, anytime you need help you can call me. If you find yourself somewhere you need out of call me and I will come and get you no matter where or when it is.” For what felt like ages Thea just stared at him with the same stony expression but slowly her face softened seeing his sincerity. She didn’t give any indication that she would or wouldn’t take him up on his offer at any point but she did ask that he take her home.

When they reached the Queen estate Barry offered to walk her up to the door. “I’m all sobered up now, I doubt there’s any risk of me falling in the bushes.” Still he waited until she was safely inside her home before driving away. Alone in the car and left to his thoughts he found there was only one person he wanted beside him at the moment. He hadn’t even realized he’d been jogging until he was halfway down the hall to his apartment. Opening the door, he found Ana curled up on the couch with her hair tied back and a blanket wrapped around her. Her legs were bent up supporting her laptop and her back rested against the armrest. She looked up at him and there was only understanding in her eyes. He took off this jacket and while she powered down her laptop and sat it on the coffee table. While he kicked off his shoes she turned to sit with her feet on the ground and offered up one end of the blanket. Scooting in beside her and with some awkward maneuvering Barry found himself spooning her from behind with the blanket wrapped around the both of them. As soon as they were comfortable she started talking. He listened as she talked about the new project she was working on. Her and Felicity happened to be on the same team and she was very excited about it. The sound of her voice alone lulled him into a sense of calm and listening to her repeat Felicity’s latest word salad goof found his painful longing shifting into a mire simple wistfulness. His warm chuckles against her back and her infatuated giggles gave way to a comfortable silence that Barry was almost hesitant to break but he wanted to talk about her the person whose presence had been silently following him around all week.

“There was this one time right after I came out as pan, it was Halloween and Sara thought it would be a good idea to sneak into a gay bar. Of course being Sara she way over did it. I don’t even know where she found a mesh shirt and jeans that tight but I gave in and wore them after she threatened to take me down and die my hair green. Even with all the self-defense over the years I never doubted she could kick my ass if she wanted to. So I wore the ears and cat tail too.” Ana was giggling now. “Thankfully I convinced her the eye liner wasn’t my style. And when she pulled out sparkly kicks I locked myself in the bathroom until she agreed I’d never have to look at them. Anyways we get to this club and the bouncer takes one look at me standing there awkward as hell and says “I’d almost let you in as punishment, but you look like 12 and it’s creeping me out.” Of course this is Sara and like hell was she going to give up and I was already in so I figured I’d see it through. Now here me out, we thought it was a bathroom window. As soon as I stuck my head through and saw everyone dancing I panicked and turned back to Sara. I was like “abort! abort” and she’s like “I climbed on top of this trash can in heels. We’re going in.” And then she tried to push me through head first except halfway through my shirt and my tail got caught.” Ana was full on laughing now tears streaming down her face.

“And Sara started freaking out she was pulling on my legs and yelling “Hang on Barry I’ll save you!” Eventually gravity one, my tail stayed on the window lock but I feel through. But when I turned around Sara wasn’t outside the window anymore and all the people nearby are staring at me like they’re not sure which of us is crazy. She wasn’t answering when I yelled for her, couldn’t climb back up, called her phone no answer. So of course I went back outside. The Bouncer was speechless and I made a run for it before he could stop me. So I get back to where I came through and there’s Sara trying to convince her dad, detective Lance, that she was out there alone. Even if I was going to let her take all the flack somebody had called the cops and said that there were to weirdos dressed like cats in the alley and screeching. He puts us both in his car takes a good look at me and says “I don’t even want to know.””

Clinging tightly to each other to avoid rolling off the couch in laughter Barry felt a little piece of himself that had been feeling lonely start to heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Barry's little story at the end might be moderately base on a true story.....


	15. Chapter 15

Halloween in Starling City has a tendency to bring all the crazies out. Barry was never more aware of this until his first Halloween working at the SCPD. The entire station was in a buzz. Pranks gone way too far, vandalism, angry people, so many angry people. And if Barry had a dollar for every drunk in a costume being dragged along with someone with an equally tattered costume through the precinct, he could probably purchase Merlyn Global from his father. Needless to say there was no shortage in blood and other bodily fluids for Barry to test. He was starting to get a bit nauseous himself from testing vomit for traces of the latest designer drug. He was in the middle of furiously scrubbing his hands in the lab sink when detective Lance requested his help on a scene. Which is how Barry found himself surveying his first murder victim. It wasn’t like in cadaver labs in college. They weren’t as disturbing as he’d expected them to be. They were empty of expression and sins of life. They were less human. This was undeniably a person who’d had a life and maybe loved ones, maybe pets, a job. “Stabbed.” He muttered turning a little green around the edges.

“Allen?”

He jerked back into the conversation around him. “Right um. He was stabbed, from the shape of the wounds, likely a knife.”

“Right so the perpetrator came in through the window.” One of the new lieutenants in training began but Lance cut him off.

“Not unless they closed it behind them.”

“The windows broken.” They walked over as if to confirm they were looking at the same window.

“Look down Lieutenant. What do you see?” Barry had already seen it the moment he’d walked through the door and as the lieutenant stood puzzled Barry couldn’t stop himself from speaking up.

“The glass.” He looked towards Lance as if asking to continue and was rewarded with a faint nod.

“Most of it’s on the outside of the house. If they’d broken through to come in more glass would be inside. Judging by the direction of this footprint-.“ He now crouched down about a foot away from the window next to what appeared to be more of a smear of blood a bit longer than your average foot print. But just before it there was the print of the ball of someone’s shoe print. “someone didn’t come through the window they fell out.”

“Could they have been pushed? Another perp?”

“Possibly, Allen run the prints of the victim against any others you pick up in the room see if you can find at least three different prints.”

“Yes sir.”

He worked quickly and efficiently. The less he thought about the body in the room the easier it was. He wouldn’t have to take their prints himself thankfully, the ME would do that.

He didn’t sleep well that night. He tossed and turned for hours trying not to jostle Ana. When he woke for the second time for a nightmare she woke up as well.

“Sorry it’s this new case. I worked my first homicide today. I don’t know why it’s shaking me this much, technically it’s not the first murder scene I’ve been to.”

She turned to face him scooting over to rest her head on his chest. “You’re only human Barry Allen. And that’s okay.” She leant up to look him in the eyes and brush her fingers through his hair before tucking first one arm then the other under her head so she could prop herself up a little without digging her chin into his chest. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Maybe later.” He stroked her hair and she hummed closing her eyes.

“Do you want to call your brother?”

It had crossed his mind. More than once he’d wanted to pick up his phone and tell Tommy the truth and beg him to forgive him. But then he’d remember the Oliver that had held them both captive in a dark rotting old building and he’d find his mind steeling again. He wished he could tell her. Some nights when they were tucked together before it reached the point where they were awkwardly entangled and one or the other shivering with a lack of blanket. Some nights he’d whisper his secrets into her hair. In his dreams he’d tell her everything and she’d convince him to tell Tommy. In his dreams they believed every word.  But then he’d wake up and reality would come rushing forth. No matter how much it hurt there was no turning back now. He’d made his choice and now he had to follow through. ‘At least I’m not alone.’ He hummed stroking her hair once more realizing she’d already fallen back to sleep. Slowly he felt himself joining her.

The case didn’t get much easier over the following days. At one point he’d been walking past the evidence only to freeze when one particular image caught his eye. Despite the part of him screaming to just walk away and erase it from his mind he felt himself drawn closer. He stood in front of the board eyes running over every picture even though each left his stomach rolling a little. He felt his mind drifting to a place he’d been trying to avoid from the moment he’d walked into that house. He wondered if the one for his mother had looked like this. Something so gruesome and cruel splayed for the world to see. He swallowed the bile in his throat and turned away only to come face to face with none other than Laurel Lance. The way that she was looking at him was unexpected and had him wondering how long she’d been standing there.

“Should you really be working this one?”

“He might have been stabbed in his own house but it’s nothing like my mom’s case.” He glanced at the board one last time with a glance before starting to make his trek back to the labs. But paused when she spoke after him voice rising a pitch at first.

“The first day after I found out, I thought I’d wake up in the morning and it would just be a dream. The next two days I didn’t sleep at all. When I finally crashed and woke up I went straight to my phone to call him. The phone rang through before I remembered. After that I cried myself to sleep.” She took a deep breath. “All I did was sleep off and on for days until the funeral. I’m not, I’m not angry at you anymore Barry I know… **I know**.”

He squeezed his eyes shut tight before blowing out a breath and turning back to face her. “What do you want me to say here Laurel?  I don’t want your forgiveness if that’s what this is about. That’s not why I told you.”

“Then why did you?” The look in her eyes was so sincere that he had to look away. He said nothing.

“Fine.” Barry started to turn and leave but her voice stopped him once more.

“I don’t know what happened between you and Tommy. But I’m sure you could fix it if you talked to him. Or even if you don’t want to talk about that at least go see him. He’s hiding it but he hasn’t been doing to great lately.”

“If it’s so bad why can’t you help him. oYu spend more time with him than I do.”

“I can’t. It’s not like that with us. You know he didn’t just lose Oliver; Mr. Queen was like a father to him. Malcolm may be his father but with them gone you’re the most family he’s got left. Call your brother Barry.” And then she turned and walked off back on her original course.

 

It had taken a lot to convince himself that visiting was a good idea. But the moment his dad sat in front him through the glass Barry knew he’d made the right choice.

“Hey Slugger.”

After apologizing repeatedly for not visiting in so long to which Henry waved off, Barry proceeded to tell him all about working at the SCPD. His father listened with rapt attention and pride gleaming in his eyes. He told him about moving in with Ana and Henry was full of amusement when he complained about all the shopping he’d had to do to get everything just right, most of which was facilitated by Ana’s mom. It didn’t take long for Henry to notice that someone was missing from all of Barry’s stories. He knew Barry had always had a tenuous relationship with his foster brother but this was different. Barry was holding something back. Something was eating at his son in a way that made him wish that he could physically reach out to him. It hurt that he could only hear his voice through a phone. He tamped down his own pain with practiced ease.

“So are you going to tell me what’s going on between you and Tommy?”

Even from the other side of tempered glass the tone in his voice was enough to have Barry feeling like a kid again. He ducked his head and leant back in the chair. “How’d you know?”

“You’re my kid. I’m supposed to know.” Barry looked back up at his father indecision running through his mind. He’d come there for a reason though.

“I’ll tell you, part of it’s going to upset you but can you please wait till I finish before you get mad.” The look he received was such a parent look that Barry could almost believe he was back in Central City explaining to his dad why he skipped gym. The image of the two of them sitting on the living room couch melted away replaced by cold chairs and a plain white counter between them.

“At the beginning of the summer Tommy ran off to China. I followed him and when I got there I found out he was looking for Oliver. Before we could do anything we sort of got kidnapped.” Henrys eyes were wide and he was already preparing to interject so Barry instinctively sped up his words. “I’m okay the police found us and we got out with just a few bumps and bruises before the day was even over. But It turned out the people who kidnapped us had tricked Tommy into thinking Oliver was alive. When we got home I was so frustrated and angry, I didn’t really believe it was true but a part of me wanted it to be. I was so mad at Tommy I said some things I can’t take back. And I made peace with the fact that he wouldn’t forgive me. But now he’s struggling and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t spoken to him in months.”

“I think you know what you need to do Barry. You’ve always been a smart kid, but you’ve never just settled for coasting by. The right thing to do is almost never easy. You’ve been challenging yourself since you were little, in school and with life. And I’m so proud of the man you are becoming, but don’t let fear and anger throw away the best parts of you.”  

Barry placed his hand up against the glass, it wasn’t the same it was flat and a bit chilly. But when his father’s hand came up to match and he pressed harder he could almost feel love and warmth leaking in the smallest tendrils through the glass.

 

The minute Barry stepped into the home he knew exactly where to go to find his brother. True to form he was sat on one of the barstools in the kitchen. Though in front of him wasn’t fine cuisine curated by Edith. Instead it was a bag of chips and a bottle of beer.

“Okay that’s not at all your style.” Barry walked over going for a casual approach to try and gauge his reactions. He pulled up the seat across from him and grabbed one of the unopened beers he found on the seat next to him. After popping it open and taking a large gulp he placed it on the table. Taking in his appearance Barry saw what had Laurel so concerned. His face was made up of dark circles and exhaustion. His hair was ruffled, but not in the usual way that made it seem as if he’d just come from a party, but in a way that said he’d just crawled out of bed. Guilt floated in his chest like a balloon waiting to burst but he forced it down, this wasn’t about him.

“Why are you here?”

“I talked to Laurel. Well more like she ambushed me at work. But I figured if it was bad enough that she was speaking to me than it had to be serious. So?”

“So what?”

“Look Laurels worried about you man. And from what I’m seeing here so am I. What’s going on?”

“You have no right. You’re really just going to walk in here like the last 4 months didn’t happen and ask me what’s wrong? I don’t know what Laurel said to you but don’t pretend to care just because you feel guilty about how you treated her. Some of us don’t get to just punch all our problems away.”

“Is that what you want? You want to hit me? Well alright come on.” Barry was already up out of his seat taking a hearty gulp to finish off the rest of his beer. He snagged another one and gestured towards the door with it.

“Are you serious? What? You want to take this outside?”

“No we’re going somewhere with padding.” Tommy followed behind him while they made their way out of the house, taking the shorter route to the training gym.

“This is stupid.” He said halfway there but didn’t stop following behind. Barry quickly punched in the access code and gestured for Tommy to go ahead. Tommy walked into the middle of one of the mats and held his arms out as if to ask “What now?” Barry threw off his jacket and kicked off his shoes nodding for Tommy to do the same. Warily Tommy acquiesced and Barry disappeared into one of the side rooms. “Wait a second.” When he came back he carried a set of boxing gloves and one set of sparring gloves. He tossed the boxing pair to Tommy who caught them without fumbling though his eyes didn’t leave the pair still in Barry’s hands.

“What you’re not going to hit back?”

“You didn’t say you wanted to fight, you said you wanted to hit me.” He clapped his gloved hands together before holding them up and stepping within swinging distance.

“I’m not a boxer Barry.”

“You don’t need to be to put on those gloves and start swinging.” He could tell just from looking at him the Tommy was debating just up and leaving but then there was a glint in his eyes. It had him putting on his gloves and tightening them as best he could. Barry would have helped but he doubted his brother would let him so he just waited patiently.

Barry half expected to have to goad Tommy into a first punch but as soon as his gloves were in place he swung. Barry dodged the hit easily and brought his own gloves up to catch the next swing. Tommy’s swings were wild and unpracticed but they were strong. He might not be a trained fighter but he could throw a punch when he wanted to. Barry braced his feet to catch Tommy’s hits with his gloves. But Tommy wasn’t just aiming for the gloves. The next time Tommy purposely swung at his face Barry had to dodge. He started blocking from every angle but Tommy only grew more and more frustrated. It really wasn’t helping him at all. He figured it was time to let him get a few good hits in. He loosened up his stance to make it look like he was getting tired. His dodging grew slower and he left his abdomen wide open and let Tommy’s next hit land right to his stomach. He grunted a little bringing his hands down to block another and leaving his face wide open. He leant back a bit just before it hit so it would just be a glancing blow. He expected Tommy to follow through with his other hand as was his pattern, and prepared himself for it. But at the last second he was distracted by the sliding door opening. He barely even registered Malcolm’s “What the hell are you two doing?” Before the pain of a direct hit to the center of his face overtook his face. The pain itself paled in comparison to some of the other hits he’d taken over the years but it still took him off guard enough to allow Tommy, who was completely ignoring Malcolm, to unleash a couple more blows aimed anywhere he could hit with Barry off guard. One well-placed blow to the gut had Barry’s instincts going off and he was tackling Tommy to the ground. He pinned him down knees on either side and his hands stapling his brother’s wrists. Tommy just struggled for a bit still lost in the fury before it seemed he finally noticed Malcolm shouting at the both of them.

Barry climbed off him and to his feet watching cautiously as Tommy did the same. When he was sure Tommy wasn’t going to make another go at him even with Malcolm standing there he turned his attention to his foster father.

“It was my idea.”

“Regardless of who’s dumb idea it was this time the both of you went along with it.”

“What were you thinking?” He rounded on Tommy first as usual.

“Oh come on Malcolm, we were just having a little fun. What’s a little rough housing between brothers?” Malcolm glared at him, then turned the same glare unto Barry. There was an undertone of disappointment there that made Barry feel a little sick. He expected more lecturing to follow and was surprised when Malcom just turned and left clearly he was fed up at this point. Tommy wasn’t the least bit surprised, this was the Malcolm that he’d known since he was 9 years old. And when he saw the shocked look o Barry’s face he couldn’t help a small ounce of satisfaction. He did wince a little bit at the swelling developing around his nose. It didn’t seem to be bothering Barry so much himself in fact he simply turned to him and asked “Do you want to keep going?”.

Tommy snorted with very little humor. “Go home Barry.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it seems like I'm rushing towards the finish line but please remember this is all pre-written. I'm just adding more as I go along. Please enjoy and feel free to leave feedback.

When Barry trudged through the door to his apartment he was not expecting Ana to be home from work already.

“What the hell I thought you were going to see Tommy.” Barry winced making his way over to the freezer to find an ice pack.

“I did go see Tommy.”

“I thought you were going to talk, not throw punches at each other.” She picked up a dishtowel to wrap the ice pack in and retrieved it from where he was tossing it back and forth in his hands. He barely flinched as she placed it to his skin.

“There were boxing gloves involved and sparring mats, believe me it could have gone way worse, and Malcolm showed up half way through.”

“Barry this isn’t like you, what were you thinking?”

“I was thinking I don’t know how to talk to Tommy sometimes. I figured I’d let him vent.”

“With his fists, on your face?” She pulled the ice away a second to look at him more fully in admonishment.

“Okay it was a dumb idea. And it didn’t really work anyways.”

“Come on Barry talk to me. I can’t help you if you don’t trust me enough to tell me what’s going on?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you it’s really not my secret to tell.”

“I get that. But whatever this secret is has been eating at you for months. You’ve been different Barry.”

Barry tried to search his mind for a response, or a reassurance but his eyes caught on the clock on the wall. He was late for his shift at the SCPD. “I umm I’m late for work, but we can talk about this later?” She nodded with a sigh before walking to her office and shutting the door.

He knew he was in deep shit but he would be with work too seeing as it was the second time that week that he would be late. Grabbing his messenger bag that he’d come back for he rushed out the door. When he got to work the moment detective Lance saw him he started to lecture him but paused at the now clear bruising on his face. “What the hell happened to you? Did you get mugged or something?”

“Or something.” He tried to evade the conversation entirely by hurrying over to punch in but Lance followed him. “Quite the shiner you got going on there? Don’t you have body guards? Hey sweetheart shouldn’t you be at work?” Barry didn’t have to look to see who he was talking to. His day just kept getting better and better. He tried to make his escape then before Laurel could see his face he ducked his head and started towards the labs. I hand grabbed at his arm.

“You should put some ice on that. And make sure you file a police report.” Barry’s eyes widened in slight panic.

 “Oh no it’s really not like that-.”

“Did Tommy do that to you?” Barry cursed. In his panic he’d turned back around and raised his head so his bruised nose was on clear display.

“What is going on with you two?”

“We’re working it out. Seriously this is nothing I didn’t have coming.”

“Why? Did you break his nose too?”

“It’s not broken, and I didn’t hit him.”

“Allen I’m not sure if understand how fights are supposed to work.” At the look from Laurel detective Lance decided it best to leave the two of them to talk.

“So what you were arguing and Tommy just started swinging.”

“What no I. I told him to do it.”

You told him to hit you? So you’ve both lost your minds. Good to know.” Laurel huffed in a way that said she was fed up with both their bullshit. “Laurel wait where are you going?”

“To go talk to Tommy since apparently neither of you are capable of handling this like adults.”

“Please don’t. I know this looks bad but it’s only going to worse if you talk to him. Trust me I know what I’m doing.” He really didn’t but if there was anyone who could make Tommy feel guilty for this it was her. Despite what Tommy claimed, anyone who sent time around the two of them could see how much he cared for her. Everyone except her, even though it was clear to see she felt the same way. The last thing Barry wanted was for Tommy to feel guilty about something that was all his fault in the first place.

Laurel paused in her steps but didn’t turn back around before she continued on her way. The rest of his work day went about how he expected it to go. Various questions work asked about his bruised face. Barry mad no comment other than to claim it was an accident or that he’d tripped over his feet. “Clumsy.” He replied to the head lab tech when she asked about it.

The call came on a Tuesday, the week of Thanksgivings. Barry didn’t recognize the number so when he answered it he was surprised to hear a scared Thea Queen on the other end.

“I need you to pick me up.”

“Where are you? what’s going on?” There was loud music in the background but he could hear shouting in the background.

“This club in the Glades.”

“This wouldn’t happen to be the same club that had two failed drug busts failed in the last month?”

The silence on the other end was enough of an answer for him. “Get outside I’m on my way.”

“Okay, okay.” It was hard for Barry to determine if the fumbling over her words was due to whatever she’d been drinking or if she was unsure if she’d be able to get outside. Barry hoped it was the former though either one had him rushing to throw on his coat forgetting his bag entirely when he hurried out of the precinct. He’d deal with consequences later, he’d made a promise and he intended to keep it. Locating the parking garage, he was out of the car in a heartbeat and jogging across the street to the entrance. At first he couldn’t see her amongst all the people loitering impatiently outside but then there she was trying to wrestle her way out of the entrance. Barry had met their usual Bouncers on the last bust, the guy trying to keep Thea inside wasn’t one of them. He was dressed the part. Dark shirt, leather jacket, and Fitted jeans, but something was off.

“Where ya goin gorgeous? Parties just getting started.”

“Hey let her go.”

“Hey mind your own business string bean the adults are talking.”

“She’s not an adult she’s a minor now let her go.” The man spared him a smirk before looking her over as he still had her locked in his grip.

“She looks pretty adult to me. Isn’t that right sweetheart.” He leant down to kiss her using his grip on her arms to try to force he to him. At the same time as she tried to tug away Barry yanked one of his hands off and threw a well-aimed punch at his jaw causing him to lose grip on her other arm. Thea stumbled away and not just out of fear her pupils were blown wide. Barry was distracted at the realization that she was on something long enough for her assailant to rear back, a fist aimed for Barry. He dodged just in time and the fake bouncer staggered past him. He might be twice his size but he wasn’t trained like Barry. And even his street fighting skills were lacking for someone meant to stand guard for whatever was going on. Barry gripped his forearm and kneed the back of his thigh bringing him down in one easy move. He pulled his phone out of pocket and handed it to Thea telling her to call Lance. This guy was strong so even as Barry went to pin him with an arm behind his back he fought off his grip and reared back almost slamming his head into Barry’s if he hadn’t jumped back. Normally the police took about 15 minutes to get on a scene but patrols were strong in the Glades lately. Lance himself might even be nearby. When the bouncer who Barry was now mentally referring to as Ted charged for him again Barry spun out of the way and landed a harsh kick to his back that almost had Ted’s leg giving out but he turned and went for him again this time close enough to throw another punch which glanced past his ear and followed with another to his gut. Anyone else and Barry might have pulled his punches but thinking about the way he’d gone after Thea had Barry landing a punch to his face. HE heard his nose break with a sickening crunch and came away with blood dripping down his hand. He kicked him in the gut and was about to shove him to the ground when a shot rang out. Less than a second later he felt as if he’d been punched in his arm even though Ted’s arms were tucked close to his body. He braced himself looking around for another attacker, he saw Thea mouth wide in shock and the other people who’d just been watching. In the brief moment he took to look around ted had straightened up a bit though his form was still hunched in pain.

“SCPD!” Barry only had a moment to catch sight of the gun in his hand before the man was tackled to the ground in front of him. Another shot went off, Ted shooting himself in the leg as the officer tried to wrestle the gun away from him. The pain caused him to lose his grip and Officer James, as Barry identified him, clicked on the safety and slid it away. Barry raised his hands up in the air as more cops descended.

“Put your hands down Allen we know it’s just you.” Detective Lance watched as the man was handcuffed and ordered a few other officers to go inside. Whatever Thea told him was happening inside was enough for probable cause.

“Woah you’re bleeding. I need a medic over here!” Barry looked down to where he could feel coldness dripping down his right forearm. As if triggered by the sight itself he suddenly felt the pain of torn flesh. Blood was dripping down though it wasn’t a steady stream and falling in small puddles at their feet.  Suddenly someone was in front of him pressing gauze to his arm and asking questions that he answered mechanically. Another, unfamiliar, cop tried to take his statement but Lance insisted they wait until Barry was seen to at a hospital. Before they could load him in an ambulance Barry asked that Thea be able to ride with them and gave his car keys to Officer James asking that he drive it to the station for him. There wasn’t room in the back of the ambulance for Thea to ride but they allowed her to ride up front. While they cut off his jacket and placed fresh gauze on his wounds they asked a multitude of medical questions. He listened as they through the word shock around. But he wasn’t in shock was he? He was perfectly calm Thea was in shock. “Is Thea okay.”

“I’m fine. I’m so sorry this is all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault Thea you had no way of knowing that would happen and I should have payed attention to see if he had a weapon.” He knew he probably should have called the cops from the beginning but Thea didn’t need to hear that.

Thea stuck around at the hospital while Barry’s arm was cleaned and stitched up. It took a bit over an hour and a half but it felt like days. Anna made it to the hospital just before Barry was being taken back. Barry had asked Thea to call her while they were on their way. Barry was surprised when halfway through getting stitched up Tommy showed up. Thea had to leave the room because there was a two guest minimum. After sitting in awkward silence for a while Ana who’d been reluctant to leave Barry’s side offered to go hunt down some food. After hesitating for nearly 5 minutes she finally brought herself to rise from her chair, stopping to give him a small peck before leaving the room.

“So is this going to be a regular thing? You getting hurt to get my attention. Because really Barry getting shot is a bit of overkill.” Maybe it was the painkillers the doctors had doped him up on but he found himself chuckling at Tommy’s shitty attempt at humor.

“Hey it got you talk to me. So not a complete failure right?”

“Barry what were you thinking?”

“You know people have been asking me that a lot lately. But I don’t regret this, Thea needed help. I promised I would be there if she did and I kept that promise. She hasn’t been doing too good Tommy.” Tommy sighed taking a seat at the end of the bed

“Ms. Queen is here; do you know what she took?”

“No. didn’t really get a chance to ask between the you know bullets and-.”  He ground as he sat up a little straighter. “The shock.”

“Adrenaline wearing off then?”

“Shit. It wasn’t this bad a few minutes ago.” Barry tried to adjust his arm into a comfortable position without aggravating his other body aches.

“Do you want me to call a nurse in here. I’m sure law enforcement with a bullet wound warrants the good drugs.”

“Nah I’m good for now.” He was silent for a minute mulling over his next words for a moment before deciding to just dive in.

“How are you doing Tommy?”

Tommy didn’t even bother trying to deflect this time though he spoke to the linoleum floor. “Not good Bear.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”  
“I really thought it was him Bear you have to understand that.”

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize for that. I would’ve done the same thing if it was Sara.”

“No but you were right, you shouldn’t have been in that situation in the first place. I’m supposed to be the older brother here. You’re not supposed to babysit me and you’re sure as hell not suppsed to get hurt because of me.”

“We’re family Tommy. We look out for each other. It’s a two-way street man. Also I may be younger but I am an adult I can make my own decisions.”

Tommy couldn’t resist a snort at that. “You’re like 12. And I think we’ve seen the results of your own decisions.” Barry rolled his eyes. “But I’m glad you were there for Thea today. She’s, she’s family too.”

“We’re one pretty fucked up family aren’t we?”

“You think?”

“I think I’d like to know why no one bothered to call me and tell me you got shot.” Neither of them had noticed Malcolm’s entrance and both jumped a bit when he spoke. Barry’s was followed by a wince which Tommy noticed and prompted him to excuse himself to go find a nurse. Barry didn’t bother bringing attention to the call button knowing an evasive maneuver when he saw one.

“I have a multitude of questions starting with why were you in the Glades in the first place because last time I checked CSI’s didn’t go on patrols.”

“Technically I could go on a ride along if…. Right not the time. I got a call from Thea saying she was in trouble and she needed to be picked up. I wasn’t just going to leave her there and I knew she wouldn’t accept help from anyone she didn’t ask from so I went. I figured if things were ugly I could handle it and I did.”

Malcolm’s eyes narrowed and Barry knew the last part was the wrong thing to say. “Please explain to me how the bullet hole in your arm is handling the situation.” Malcolm stepped closer to the bed and lowered his voice. “Please explain to me how with all the training we’ve done over the years, you failed to notice a gun. I’ve seen the incident report Barry and it reeks of sloppiness. Were you even paying attention. And what if that gun had been turned on Thea.” It was a rarity growing up, for Barry to argue with Malcolm but of all things that went wrong that night he was comfortable in the knowledge that he’d kept The safe and didn’t hesitate to impart this on Malcolm.

“I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing because Thea is okay.”

“If you’d done the right thing then both of you would be fine. And I didn’t train you to be a vigilante going after petty criminals in the streets. I tr- we’ll talk about this at home.” Barry was winding up to protest but seconds later Ana came walking through the door carrying takeout bags.

“I was headed to the cafeteria but I bumped into Andrew, he offered to go to Big Belly Burger and I convinced him to let me tag along it-.” Picking up on the tension in the room she paused. “Sorry am I interrupting?” She was already moving to take a step back but Barry waved her off reaching out for a bag.

“I was just saying that it would be a good idea for Barry to stay at the mansion while he heels. He’ll have to work from home to avoid an infection and he could be cared for by the staff.”

“And I was saying that wasn’t necessary I’ll take it easy for a couple days at home I’m not exactly invalid.”

“Right. And besides I already put in a request for a few days off at work to make sure he actually does take it easy.”

“And if he doesn’t she can always call me to annoy he him into submission.” It seemed Tommy was picking up his father’s tendencies as no one but Malcolm had noticed him returning. This time he took a seat in the chair and allowed Ana to take the spot at the foot of the bed. He not so stealthily snagged a couple of Barry’s fries to which Barry protested.

Lost in their bantering no one other than Ana noticed Malcolm leaving the room. A few rooms down Thea had been unwillingly coerced into a seat to detox while the doctors tested to figure out what kind f drugs she had in her system. Moira stood outside the door watching with the same intensity she used during board meetings. Malcolm didn’t hesitate to approach her. “How is she?”

“That’s none of your business Malcolm.”  
“Considering one of my sons took a bullet for her today-.”

“You and I both know that has nothing to do with why you’re asking. And I stand by my statement. This has nothing to do with you Malcolm.” She paused. “How is Bartholomew?”

“The doctors say he’ll be just fine he should heal up nicely in time.” The way he spoke made it clear he was prodding. An attempt at suggesting that she now owed him.

“I’m glad to hear it. I’ll be sure to express my gratitude.” It may have irked Malcolm on the inside but he didn’t outwardly show it instead he left her with his signature smirk and “Have a good evening Moira.”. He’d find out on his own anyways.

When he got back to the room he found Laurel Lance inside as well. He knew this hospital was generally pretty strict about their two visitor rule but he’d longed since stopped questioning the affect Barry Allen has on people. She was perched on a chair sat right up next to Tommy. Malcolm was well aware that there was something going on there though he’d always chosen to stay out of his kid’s romantic lives he’d have to be blind not to see it. He noticed things, curse of being who he was he noticed a lot of things that he actively chose to ignore. He’d noticed a barrier between his other son and his significant other from the first time that he’d met her. It had surprised him how long their relationship had survived but it didn’t assuage his doubts that it would last much longer. He could already see the cracks though they sat together on his hospital laughing with his hand resting over his where it had settled at his knee. He almost felt sorry for his young protégé, he had grown to think of Barry as his son over the years and he had no desire to see him hurt. His training was to make Barry strong, so that he could face up to anything. He is strong and Malcolm knew this, but he was also impulsive, even as calculating as he was in training he lacked that in the real world but Malcolm had plans to remedy that. So after bidding Barry goodnight and trying to convince Tommy to come home with him. He wasn’t really surprised given the state that their relationship had been in lately that Tommy insisted on staying the night. When he got home that instead of getting straight to work on his plans he had been referring to as “The Undertaking”, he decided to call in a few favors. It was time for Barry’s training to extend outside the training room.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These last few chapters will be the death of me.

It had taken some convincing but after getting the okay from his doctor Barry persuaded Ana to go ahead with their plans to spend Thanksgiving with her family despite the fact that Barry had just gotten out of the hospital. Even as she protested Barry could see her desire to see her family. Barry could visit his own whenever he liked but hers was practically on the other side of the country. Malcolm insisted that they at least take the jet out there, a commercial flight from Missouri to Oregon with a bullet wound wasn’t going to be a comfortable one even in first class. Barry had always gotten along well with Ana’s parents. In fact, most parents liked Barry, even detective Lance hadn’t taken as much issue with his as he had Oliver and Tommy. So it surprised him that most of the interactions with her parents during their visit seemed uncharacteristically forced. Even their conversations at dinner seemed stilted. Breaking off into awkward silences between compliments on the turkey. They seemed to purposely stay away from topics such as either of their jobs or Starling city in general. There also seemed to be a distinct lack of hints about marriage and children which Barry had grown to expect from her family. When Barry gave into his desire to look at Ana questioningly she shook her head and mouthed ‘later’. Later came after they returned to their hotel room that night. Barry had always felt weird about sleeping together in her parents’ house kind of like teenagers sneaking their date through the window to have sex without their parents knowing. At the Merlyn home it was different, Malcolm was hardly around anyways and it was so big. Ana had often teased him for his explanation but agreed it was kind of weird and she couldn’t say she was opposed to staying in a hotel over a full house with all her sisters.

It was after they’d both showered and Ana was helping him redress his arm that Barry finally asked. “So what was all that about? Did I do something wrong?”

“Not wrong per se. They’ve just noticed that you have a tendency to end up in dangerous situations. Some of which could be avoided.” She said that last part slightly quieter but Barry heard the implication behind it.

“You don’t think I should have helped Thea.”

“Barry no that’s not what I’m saying at all. You just have a habit of running headfirst into these things and then you end up hurt and I have no idea what’s going on. You’re a forensic scientist Barry. And yu promised me that you would be safely working inside that police department as a scientist. But now your taking on gang members in the glades and… and running of to China out of nowhere. You didn’t even call or send a text to me to let me know what was happening. I moved to Starling to be with you and build a life together. To build a life with you Barry. But not this life.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say here Ana. I’m not trying to be a cop. But Thea and Tommy are my family and I would do the same thing if it were you.”

She grasped his hands in hers. “And I believe that Barry I do. But I’m not sure if that’s the only reason.”

“What are you saying?”

“I don’t know. I’m just. I worry about you. You don’t talk to me about things you close yourself off and keep things from me and then you go running into danger where I don’t know if you’re going to come back or not and that scares me.”

“Hey, hey.” He pulled her into a tight embrace. “I’m sorry. I haven’t been fair to you.”

“God I know I’m being selfish here but I love you.”

“I love you too.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “I’m sorry.”

 

Lost in the drama of the days that passed Barry hadn’t put much consideration into what was likely waiting for them once they got back to Starling City. The private airstrip they landed in was well secured so there was no commotion there. They were about halfway to their apartment when Barry got the call from Tommy warning him about the news story that had broken that morning. It actually surprised Barry that it took more than a day for anyone to catch wind of one of the Merlyn sons being shot in the Glades of all places. When Barry turned on the news at home he saw why. They’d been stock piling information. Someone had more information than they should have seeing as they were talking about the kidnapping that had occurred early summer. That had been kept so far under the radar that only the family knew about it. But somehow the press had found out and they were wringing out every bit of publicity they could get out of it. It wasn’t difficult to spin the story into an expose on Malcolm himself. His wife being murdered in the Glades. How he’d adopted Barry partially because it’s what he claimed she would have wanted. His sons constantly being in trouble and danger. They were going after him hard. Some were going the sympathy angle. Poor Malcolm Merlyn had almost lost another family member to the violence of the Glades. Others attacked his parenting, another high class absentee father leading his children down a dark path.

“We should go over there.” Ana looked over questioningly and Barry clarified.

“To the house Malcolm’s probably already got a game plan started. He’ll expect us to play our parts. I know this isn’t exactly what you signed up for but…” He turned his attention back to the screen where they were giving away intimate details of his injury. They’re wasn’t any details about the actual fight that took place and Barry thanked god for small favors.

“It’s okay. This is your life and that means it’s mine too. I’m here for you Barry all you have to do is ask.”

It didn’t take long for them to make it to the estate. What they found when they got there was shocking to say the least. Absolute calm. Not that Malcolm Merlyn hadn’t always handled scandals with ease (when they had the nerve to come up) but there were none of the usual signs that he was working to combat one. No abundance of staff milling around. No PR attacking him the moment he stepped through the door. Asking after him revealed that Malcolm wasn’t even there, he’d simply gone into work like he would any other day. The house staff concealed their concern fairly well but Barry had been under their care since he was 11 and could see the signs. Alas the only one who seemed openly panicked was Tommy. They found him in one of the sitting rooms scrolling through his phone, no doubt pouring over news articles.

“Hey.” Tommy immediately lifted his head up and it made Barry feel a little a better knowing he wasn’t the only one feeling off kilter over the whole situation especially Malcolms apparent apathy towards it.

“Hey how was the visit.” They exchanged a look.

“It was… great. So what’s going on what’s the plan here.”

“That’s just it, there is no plan. Dad’s acting like it’s no big deal he even said to just ignore it even though Sheila showed up this morning with a full list of things to say to combat the press. He sent her home. I think he’s lost it.”

“You’re kidding.” Tommy just shook his head and stood to his feet to pace the floor.

“Maybe he’s already got something together. We should probably just let him do his thing.”

“But he’s not doing anything! Do you know how many people stopped me today to ask how I felt about almost losing my little brother the same way I lost my mother?”

“Come on Tommy you know these people are vultures you can’t let them get to you.”

“I know it’s just, it’s like it doesn’t even touch him. It’s weird.”

In the two weeks’ medical leave Barry was allowed he watched as reporters ripped into his adoptive family’s life. He watched the stories turn more and more tragic until they ate away at the ones criticizing their family and turned it into a story of a family ripped apart by senseless violence and soon the narrative transformed into one about the many people affected by an illness corrupting Starling city. An illness perpetrated by the darkness infesting the Glades.

When he returned to the SCPD it seemed that everyone was working overtime. Drug busts and shootouts with notorious gangs were at an all-time high. At first Barry was surprised that an attack on the Merlyn family would inspire this level of vigilance. Until he overheard one of the cops talking about how about him. He’d been about to tune them out as the usual gossip until he heard “These guys really messed up when they hurt one of our own. I’ll tell you this much, kid might be a silver spoon licker but he’s got balls.” Barry couldn’t help the ego boost that gave him and if he walked around with his head a little higher for the rest of the day well the scarring flesh in his forearm said he’d earned it.

Christmas came in what felt like a rush of hours. Day after day working to clean up the streets. It had been decided weeks prior that as they’d spent Thanksgiving with her family they would spend Christmas with hers. She’d already learned from a previous year that Christmas wasn’t one of fanfare in the Merlyn household but it was a sacred holiday at least. Malcolm was present and even Laurel made a brief appearance. It had escaped Barry’s notice before but she’d seemed to be in higher spirits then she had been in her earlier years post college. Barry was aware that her mother had left only a year after Sara disappeared and in those first few years she had been around a lot, hanging around with both him and Tommy and sometimes Ana when she’d visit. As he’d been spending more time around his foster family it hadn’t escaped his notice that she’d been spending less time around. At first he’d thought that it might be because she was still more upset with him than she’d let on. But then he’d also noticed that Lance had been in higher spirits as well. It was one of the worst kept secrets around the force that in the first 2 year following the loss of his youngest, detective Lance had developed a drinking problem. It occurred to Barry that he hadn’t been paying as much attention to his friends lives as he could have been. But as he sat around the dinner table eating desserts and getting high on the happiness around the room he absolved to change that.


	18. Chapter 18

The day after Christmas someone tried to break into Barry and Anna’s apartment. Tried meaning they obviously hadn’t been expecting Barry to be able to handle them. The couple had been asleep at the time but Barry had been much more alert ever experience his experience in China. The moment he heard footsteps in their living room he was awake. And when he saw that only person he expected it to be lying next to him he was up in a flash. In the process he jostled Anna but when she looked at him worriedly he tried to reassure her it was probably just Tommy and that he was going to go check it out. What he found was a man dressed all in black rummaging through their things. Barry shouted at him and he whipped out a knife launching at Barry with it. An in instant Barry’s instincts kicked in. The reminder that Ana was sitting alone in a room not far away made it that much easier for Barry to throw himself into the training that had been drilled into him for the past 9 years. He was fairly skilled at disarming an attacker and managed it in no time. The man seemed to be a run of the mill burglar he wasn’t heavily skilled in fighting and Barry found fighting him into submission relatively easy. Once he was subdued he called for Ana.

Ana’s rushed out into the room the phone in her hand suggesting she’d either already dialed the police or had intended to. It was moments before the police made it to the door when their burglar managed to disengage himself from where Barry had him pinned to the floor and mad for the door to the balcony. Barry stumbled to his feet and made it to the door just in time for the robber to climb over the balcony and disappear from sight. He ran to the edge looking over the rail expecting to hear screams and see blood splatter but whoever it was seemed to have vanished.

By the time the police made it Barry’s main focus was on reassuring Ana that he was okay. When the knock came at the door she startled but hurried to answer it with him close behind. Barry was surprised but relieved to see Detective Lance at the door.

In the early hours of December 27th Barry and Ana packed a bag to stay at the Merlyn estate for a few days. It wasn’t that Ana didn’t feel safe with Barry. But having their home invaded had left an air anxiety and unrest drifting through the walls of their apartment that she couldn’t stand without feeling sick on her stomach. Malcolm was happy to have them and the familiar security around them settled some of the anxieties Barry felt at the mere thought of being away from her for any long period of time.

They stayed comfortable for the next 2 days before Ana proposed something Barry wasn’t expecting. Ana had set up shop in the library to get work done without her office. Barry had come to find he baring coffee. She’d smiled and thanked him taking a long tentative sip of hers before setting it down on the desk.

“Barry have you thought about maybe moving?”

“You mean apartments? Because we can definitely do that if you want. There was this one-.”

“I mean. I mean moving out of Starling.”

He moved from where he was leant against the desk she’d claimed for her own and pulled out a chair to sit down.

“You want to move out of Starling?”

“I just think with everything that’s happened here that maybe it’s for the best. To get away from all this darkness. We could get jobs somewhere else, somewhere we can start a family.”

“I can’t just leave Starling Ana. My family is here. And my dad. I can’t leave my dad, especially when I’m finally in a place where I can do some real work towards helping him.” He paused.

“You know; you never ask about him. You’ve asked what my mom was like and Sara but you never ask about my dad. And it makes me wonder if you, or at least a part of you thinks what everyone else thinks.”

“Barry no, that’s not it I just. I’m trying here, I really am. But being here hasn’t been good for us. There are so many things that we haven’t talked about. And being somewhere where you get shot and get into fights all the time, or run away to China. I don’t see how we can keep working if we keep going the way we are.”

“Ana I-.” Barry’s phone rang. “It’s Detective Lance.”

“You should answer I have to.” She waved a hand at her laptop. “Finish this by tonight.” She went back to work and he watched her for a minute. But she didn’t break the stoic that had taken over.

“We’ll talk about this.” He promised. And then he answered the phone having missed the first call. The sound of Lance yelling over the phone trailed after him as he left. Ana sniffled and wiped a stray tear from her cheek and tried to focus on getting back to work.

New Years was a much less intimate affair. Queen Consolidated hosted an annual New Year’s party as did Merlyn Global. As the son of the CEO Barry had to make an appearance at the event but after an hour and a half Malcolm reluctantly gave the okay for Tommy and Barry to “sneak off to whatever shenanigans you have planned as long as it isn’t in the papers in the morning.” Tommy had convinced Laurel to attend as his date. The lawyer had readily agreed at the promise that she could get some networking in. They tracked her down at the end of a conversation with one of their father’s business partners.

They left one gala for another. The Queen Consolidated gala was just as extravagant as the other they were waved inside easily enough. The first person they crossed paths with was Moira Queen herself. She took the time to greet each of them. When she started to ask after Barry’s health Laurel and Tommy politely excused themselves.

“I haven’t had the chance to properly thank you for what you did for Thea Bartholomew. No words can express how grateful I am to you for being there to help her. Oliver would be too, he would be happy to know Thea has you and Thomas looking after his sister.”

“You don’t have to thank me Mrs. Queen we both think of Thea like family.”

“I’m glad that Oliver had friends like the two of you and Laurel. I can’t say I always approved of my son’s lifestyle choices but he was in good company.”

“I’m very sorry for your loss Mrs. Queen. I don’t think I ever got to say that.”

“Thank you Bartholomew. Now I’m sure you had plans with that computer scientist you’re always sneaking in here to see.” Barry blushed and ducked his head a little.

“Happy New Year Mrs. Queen.”

They stuck around for a while for propriety’s sake but left well before 11 o’clock. They made it to a bar just on the outskirts of town stumbling in slightly tipsy from champagne they’d sipped to pass the time. They plopped down right at the bar in the mix of things rather than a booth in a corner wanting to get in some excitement after such a drab arrangement. The night was a blur of alcohol and drunken laughter. So caught in the madness they hardly remembered to kiss at midnight. Tommy stole a kiss from Laurel but Barry, ever the oblivious one, had failed to notice that the guy who’d joined in their festivities around 11:20 had been shamelessly flirting with him the whole time. The others had been highly amused by this and were further amused when Devin took the opportunity to smack on eon him at midnight. Barry had been a stuttering mess afterwards immediately turning to Ana to apologize only for her to shut him up with a kiss. They made out drunkenly like teenagers until Laurel and Tommy broke them up to take the first vodka shots of the new year. That night when they fell into bed together and got lost in the feel of each other. Underneath the vodka and Champagne on their lips Barry could have sworn he tasted a little bit of goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next two chapters are going to be relatively short even though they take place over the course of a year and a half. In total this fics a little over 54,000 words if you want to estimate. I still have to edit the last chapter so it's a rough number. We're passed most of the excitement (main plot wise) so now it's the last stretch to season 1 of Arrow. There's still plenty happening but no more, shooting, stabbing, and kidnapping in this fic.


	19. Chapter 19

It wasn’t any one thing really. But rather a multitude of reasons and unresolved problems that they locked in a closet crammed together and stacked tightly around each other they started to appear unidentifiable. If they were honest with each other they both saw it coming and had tried to hold on as long as they could. But even as they clung to each other the wall between them grew thicker and thicker until they could barely see each other anymore. Barely see the person they each fell in love with. They tried to seek them out. They spent a weekend in the countryside, hoping that the quiet would help them rediscover the reasons they’d fallen in love when they were in. But it was merely a spell, an illusion that only existed away from their lives in Starling. Ana pleaded with Barry to leave Starling with her to see that the toxicity of the city was infecting their relationship was deeply rooted in Starling. Promised that if they left for good then everything would get better. But Barry knew better. He’d known for a long time. It was why marriage was never discussed nor was his father. It was why he kept so many things from her. Barry had developed issues with trust over the years and he knew he could never build a life with someone who he instinctively kept at a distance. They were good for each other in the moment. Ana was firm in her own belief that she needed to get out of the city so once she found a job in coast city she started making arrangements for the move. It wasn’t a quick process, they’d built their lives around each other and they had to disassemble before they could rebuild. It was just a few days after Tommy’s birthday when Ana packed up the last of her things to carry on the train with her. She’d been staying in a hotel and Barry was surprised when she stopped by before leaving. It was a silent exchange. No last goodbye kiss just a hug in which they exchanged everything that they never could bring themselves to say. He pressed his lips gently to her forehead once more and whispered the goodbye he couldn’t say out loud.

“Bye Barry.” And then she was gone.

Tommy arrived less than an hour later. Barry didn’t even have the energy to interrogate him as to how he’d gotten a key to his apartment. He couldn’t even bring himself to stand from the couch he barely remembered taking residence up on. He was just thankful that he came bearing booze and big belly burger. Their greasy dinner got cold while they drank and watched mindless ESPN games. Of course after getting thoroughly drunk the food could have been delivered by the gods themselves.

“You know I never really believed that right person wrong time bullshit. Anytime you’re happy and good together is the right time. It’s just sometimes the right time and forever aren’t the same.”

“Weren’t you thinking about forever with Ana. I thought you guys were like.” He belched. “End game.”

“You’re drunk as fuck.” Barry laughed from his position splayed on the floor grease and cheese all over the front of his grey V-neck. He sobered up fast though. “No I wasn’t thinking about forever. I’ve been thinking about day to day and hour after hour I couldn’t see a future with us and she needs stability she deserves that. I’m not upset with her for that. I think we were right for each other at one point but not in the long term. “

“Barry I hate you.” Tommy leaned over the couch where he had been laying on his back to look down at him with absolute seriousness.

“No one else on the planet is this calm about a breakup. “

“Tommy, I’m drunk as fuck.”

“Right. Never mind.”

“What about you and Laurel? You ever think about turning your whatever into a forever thing?”

“It’s not like that and you know it. It’s not the right time for us.” Tommy smirked. Barry almost lobbed a beer bottle at his head instead throwing a burger wrapper.

The next day they woke up with the nastiest hangovers they’d ever had. What was worse was that Barry had work in the morning. Feeling just a little bit spiteful after popping a few Advil Barry made a point to play his music extra loud in the shower that morning to make sure his still snoozing brother was awake to share in the pain while he got ready for his day. Tommy was not amused and it was even worth his next door neighbor banging on his door. Barry might as well have had an “I got blackout drunk last night” plastered on his forehead, which Barry was still trying to piece together what happened after Tommy convinced him to sing karaoke on his balcony. He remembered Tommy trying to convince him that if he put a lampshade over his head he wouldn’t have to worry about anyone with cameras recognizing him if they even bothered to pay attention. He couldn’t recall if he’d gone through with it or not though when he’d woken up there was a suspicious looking rim around his forehead. Needless to say he did his best to hide in the lab for the entirety of the work day only venturing out for coffee.

Barry wasn’t proud to admit that it wasn’t until after the fifth bar crawl Tommy dragged him on that he decided that it might be time to switch up his preferred outlet for a while. At least to give his liver a break. It had been awhile since he’d trained with Adam but it was still familiar. Something had changed in Barry though something about having been in a real fight made his attacks wilder and more hostile. At first Adam was impressed until Barry started getting restless. His actions getting more and more reckless. When Adam later went to talk to Malcolm to discuss Barry’s progress he described the way Barry seemed to neglect defense all together caring only about getting hits in. His take downs were fewer and fewer taking on twice as much damage as he was dishing out. When Malcolm showed up for his usual weekly sparring session in Adam’s stead Barry hadn’t been expecting it but he took it in stride. At least until they started fighting. It was only then that he realized just how much his mentor had held back on him over the years. Malcolm was like a cobra he struck hard and unforgivingly. And when he pinned him to the ground it was in a position that stretched his previously injured shoulder in a way that had Barry grunting and groaning in pain.

“You want to be invincible Barry? You are NOT. I did not train you to fight recklessly.” He pushed harder. “You cannot win a fight if you let your enemy get in hits whenever they please, that is how you end up dead.” He released him and Barry rolled over panting hard and trying to hold back the frustration and fury brewing inside him.

“Now if it’s pain you want to learn to block out then I can teach you. But if I find out you’re fighting like this again you’re done. Are we clear.” Barry nodded still breathing harshly.

“We’ll start Saturday morning bright and early. Your boss may allow you to get away with tardiness but you know my expectations.”

 

When Barry came into work the following Saturday more than a few people questioned him about the bandage wrapped around his hand. He flexed it a little out of reflex ignoring the sting. He simply put it down to a cooking incident and they all laughed at his famed clumsiness before moving on. His birthday snuck up on him. After much pleading with Tommy he convinced him to let it pass without too much excitement. He’d had quite enough in the past year to last him a lifetime. They spent it with a visit to Star Labs which Tommy seemed to enjoy more than he expected. The tour was one Barry had been on before but he never got tired of it. He was also very excited to hear that they had something big in the works for the future. They spent the weekend down in Central City and Barry finally brought himself to do something he had never done before. When Tommy left and came back an hour later Barry was still firmly sat on the ground in front of his mother’s grave. He debated with himself for a moment before curiosity win out and drew closer. When he realized Barry was talking he started to back away but he must have made noise because before he could take another step back Barry turned his head to look at him in confusion for a second which quickly changed to understanding. His eyes were red and tears were still streaming down his face.

“Sorry.” Tommy apologized for interrupting but his brother just shook his head swiping at the tears on his face.

“S’okay. I didn’t realize how long I’d been here. I have so much to tell her.”

“It’s okay take all the time you need I’ll wait in the car.” Tommy gestured with one of the two coffee cups he’d picked up from jitters. He started to head that way.

“No no we should go. Besides.” He stood and dusted himself off. “This won’t be the last time I visit.”

 

Back in Starling City Barry’s life seemed to pick up pace rather than slow down. Between training with Malcolm and working at the SCPD Barry hardly seemed to have time to himself. He was putting in as many hours as he could at work and with Malcolm he put in more focus than ever. He never wanted to feel weak and helpless again. Especially considering he was still harboring a dark secret from his closest friend and brother. Summer came around and despite being chronically busy it didn’t escape his notice that Thea had stopped calling on him for help and had started making more appearances at the police station in handcuffs. Moira would never come to bail her out, it was usually one of her assistants and surprisingly Ana’s old boss. Another surprise was the few times Tommy showed up to bail her out. When Barry later asked him about it, he shrugged it off and simply said that she’d called him for help. As much as it worried him he kept allowing himself to get lost in the complexities of his new life. He still missed Ana a lot of the time and it helped that he was often too busy do spend much time at home other than to sleep and change clothes. Even while he was training with Malcolm on the weekend he kept up his sparring sessions with Adam. It became a part of his routine just like in college.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the number of chapters: I'm not teasing you guys my numbering was off.


	20. Chapter 20

Every august Malcolm hosted a benefit for the foundation he’d started in his wife’s memory to donate money towards the homeless problem in Starling. It was the only gala that neither Barry nor Tommy were too displeased to attend. Though Barry true to form was running late. Even with having the day off from work and getting up early he wasn’t even in his suit until an hour before the gala started. He was supposed to be there 2 hours before it started. Tommy had already called him 12 times before Barry was in the car. Andrew was driving him that evening. His expression when Barry stumbled into the car shirt only half tucked in and jacket unbuttoned was less than impressed. He made no comment though instead taking of the moment Barry was seated. He answered the thirteenth call from his brother putting the phone on speaker and setting it on the seat next to him while he worked to straighten himself out.

“Thanks for finally answering where the hell are you? dad looks like he’s going to have an aneurism. And he can’t kill you because you’re not here so he’s giving me the death glares and the growling.” Tommy was snarking which meant either it was nowhere near that bad or he was absolutely doomed. He was betting on the latter.

“I’m almost there just traffic was bad. You know how it is.”

“I know it’s 7’o clock on a Sunday and traffic cleared up an hour ago.”

“Right, you see…”  
“I don’t know what you got distracted by and I don’t want to know just get your ass here before Malcolm’s fake smile hurts someone. You know the one.”

Yeah Barry was very familiar with that one. It was the one Malcolm used when he was bailing them out of trouble before he brought them home and the full force of his wrath came down on them. It still gave Barry chills.

“Look I’m pulling up right now I’ll see you inside.” Barry hung up the phone and made quick work of his seat belt before climbing out of the car. He didn’t run inside like he’d have done if he was late to work. Here he had to be Bartholomew Merlyn and thus had to express a modicum of decorum. Instead he moved at a pace a little less than a power walk. Once he got inside the hotel they’d rented out for the occasion Barry slowed his steps to a casual stroll. Finding his way to the ballroom was easy enough and the doors had already been open for about 20 minutes so it was no surprise when he made it just in time to slip in before they were closed. As expected he drew quite a bit of attention and many people who were mingling stopped to address and chat with him. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see Malcolm watching him and yep there was that smile. If he wasn’t asking a foreign dignitary how her children were doing, he would have gulped out loud. As it was he plastered on a smile and shook hands making his way across the room to seek out Tommy.

“Nope I’m not saving you here. You can’t hide behind me all night anyways.”  
“Come on Tommy just act like we’re having a n important discussion for a while until I think up a good exp-la-na-tion.” Barry trailed off as a figure walking by caught his attention. A very familiar and handsome figure.

“Adam.” He found himself saying out loud. Tommy followed his line of sight.

“You know him?”

“Well yeah he’s worked for Malcolm for years.”

“He looks kind of young. Then again you look like 12. Then again you are like 12.” Barry was to distracted to even bother being annoyed at the overused joke. Adam cleaned up very well. Barry had always found him attractive but somehow he looked even better in a suit then he did sweating through a t-shirt and sweat pants. And that was saying something.

“Barry you’re drooling.” Barry wiped at his mouth and then glared at Tommy who laughed even as he dodged Barry’s perfectly dry hand.

“Seriously Bear why don’t you got talk to him. You’ve been really tense lately maybe he could uh help you out.”

“You realize it’s kind of offensive to talk about people like that.”

“Barry drooling over him like a piece of cake is offensive. To all of us.”

“I’m going to go talk to him. NOT because I’m going to try something but because I seriously can’t talk to you right now.” Tommy laughed as Barry walked away resolutely in denial of the blush creeping up his neck.

It was supposed to just be a quick chat something to pass the time and also continue his quest to void Malcolm at all costs. But somewhere between Adam mentioning he’d noticed Barry staring, Barry really couldn’t hide his embarrassment over that, and Barry offering to find them something a little harder to drink they’d come to an agreement as to how that night would end. Even still Barry couldn’t help but wonder if he’d completely lost his mind when they found an empty ballroom and he allowed Adam to back him up against a wall. He at least had some sense that when Adams hand started to dip into the front of his pants he suggested that the find someplace a little more private. Since they were already in a hotel it wasn’t that difficult. Afterwards when Barry lay on the bed satisfied and panting in way similar to how he usually was after their encounters he couldn’t say he had any regrets. Of course then reality had to hot and his phone buzzed and beeped from his pants pocket. Or at least he thought it was his pants pocket he wasn’t actually certain until he found his pants which had somehow ended up just inside the bathroom. Seeing that he had about 20 unread texts from Tommy and even one from Malcolm he knew he was screwed. He quickly threw on his now wrinkled clothes and completely ignored whatever Adam tried to shout to him as he took off. When Barry finally took his seat which he had no choice but to take the one reserved for him at front. Which meant everyone could see him entering this time and his foster father barely managed to hide his displeasure. His brother was at least amused even going so far as to ask where “Adam was it?” had disappeared to. Barry refused to blush over the, on point, implications and instead just hoped his hair wasn’t so ruffled as to tell everyone exactly where he had disappeared to. Through some stroke of luck Barry managed to avoid Malcolm for the rest of the night. And on top of that they’d far surpassed their donation goal to the point that Malcolm seemed to forget or at least ignore Barry’s indiscretions of the night. He chose to let it go this once, he forgave Tommy’s he supposed he could let Barry have this one off. If he made it a habit though he would deal with it accordingly.


	21. 2011-2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I continue to let Barry get comfortable with a sense of normalcy before I crush it with well... we all know what happens next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not saying you have to read the chapter notes but um please read the chapter notes.

He expected it to come back to haunt him. He wasn’t sure training with Adam would be the best idea after that and he assumed he would agree. Which is why he was surprised the following week when he got a message asking why he missed their weekly sparring session. He didn’t have much time to respond as he had to get to work and completely forgot about the text message until his lunch break. He sent an apology saying he’d been called in to work early. It was a lie but believable enough. After a bit of thought he decided to add ‘Tomorrow night?’

When he got back ‘What time?’. He couldn’t help the level anticipation he felt images from the night of the gala flickering trough his mind. He had to remind himself that they were only meeting up to train. And they did train. Their fights had always been on the more intense side but this was different. There was a heat that wasn’t there before. When Barry had Adam pinned below him for the 3rd time, Adam having won just as many matches, he didn’t let him up this time. Instead he looked down at him questioning. He saw the answer in his eyes and allowed his upper body to lower down into him. Sex with Adam was a lot like sparring with Adam. Each of them fighting for dominance. They pushed and pulled at each other with aggression that Barry never showed any other partner. And when they finally found release there wasn’t any warm cuddling or kisses. Just hot breathes against skin before they’d separate.

At first they’d only hook up after sparring matches. Though there was only that one time in the training room. Usually Barry would lead them up to his old bedroom and a few times a guestroom. Then one day Barry got home from working a rough case. A man had killed his wife in their own home and it seemed as though everyone in the precinct was looking at him with pitying eyes. Even detective Lance had asked whether or not he wanted to be taken off the case. By the time he got back to his apartment he was more than a little wound up. At first when he picked up his cell he’d been planning on asking Adam if he was up for a sparring match but before he could change his mind he was asking if he wanted to come over. In the time it took for him to arrive Barry had already run himself up the wall with second thoughts mostly worried that Adam would take this as him asking for something more and running him off. They’d already established after the first few times they’d hooked up that neither of them were looking for more than sex and maybe friends with benefits.

But when he heard the knock on the door he pushed all of that doubt away and focused on the frustration thrumming through his body like electricity. As soon as he had the door closed behind them they were stripping off each other’s clothes and when Adam dropped to his knees in front of him doubt was the last thing on Barry’s mind. It became a normal thing. Every so often Barry would come home from work and send Adam a text. There were unspoken rules. They tried to avoid sleeping together on days where they sparred. Neither of them really wanted to find out how Malcolm would feel about it. They never went to Adam’s place. Adam wouldn’t always leave right after. Sometimes they would raid the fridge together and watch TV before going another round or two but Adam didn’t sleep over. Tommy knew they were hooking up but Barry never invited Adam to hang out with them.

The day after Thanksgiving Barry was hanging around taking full advantage of leftovers when Tommy found him in the kitchen.

“Save some of that for the rest of us why don’t ya?”

“I’ve had zero time to cook lately. There’s only so much takeout a guy can live off of.”

“Hey I haven’t seen Laurel around much lately what’s up with you two?”  
“Nothing we just stopped hooking up. It’s for the best.”

“You were not just ‘hooking up’ with Laurel Lance.” The amount of denial Tommy was in was downright baffling to Barry.

“What else would you call it? Canoodling.” He got up to fix a plate for himself.

“Being stupid.”

“Insightful and when did you become the expert Mr. Love guru?”

“So you admit you’re in love with her?”

 “I’m not in love with her we were just sleeping together.”  
“Adam and I are just sleeping together. You and Laurel are endgame just accept it. And talk to her about it. Stop. Being. Stupid.”

Tommy didn’t honor that with a response instead opting to steal a large forkful of Barry’s mac and cheese to which Barry protested loudly over. When Barry went home that night and settled into bed it occurred to him that he’d been sleeping better lately than he had in a long time. It had taken a long time to get used to sleeping alone but even before he’d started hooking up with Adam he’d felt that loneliness start to fade a little. He’d been visiting his dad more often. Him and Tommy had been getting along well and after bumping into Felicity, albeit awkwardly all things considered, they started chatting and were surprised to find they had a lot in common. No Barry wasn’t lonely anymore, his life might not be perfect but he was happy. He was happy when Christmas came along and he forced Tommy into a matching Santa hat to take pictures and send to Laurel who proceeded to send 6 laughing emoji’s and even though Tommy pretended to be annoyed Barry could see he was pleased.

On New Year he convinced Laurel, Felicity, and even Adam to spend the holiday together bar hopping with them. Adam had been reluctant but Barry promised him that it was just friends hanging out together and nothing like a date.

Tommy’s birthday came around and Barry noticed that even while a party raged around them Laurel and Tommy found a secluded booth in the club they’d chosen and were just talking. They could have been talking about anything but the way they were looking at each other said it all. Barry hoped they’d get it together eventually; they really did deserve to be happy together. Barry wanted that for them especially with everything that he knew. The world had been cruel to the two of them and they were owed this.

While the rest of Barry’s life drifted into a calm normalcy Malcolm started training with him more often. It was almost as often as it had been when Barry was in high school. He even insisted on Barry practicing with a cross bow. It came a little easier to him than a standard bow and arrow but it still wasn’t his thing. Barry still preferred his katanas. Eventually Malcolm came to accept this and the day after his birthday he gifted him with two long batons. Practicing with them felt good. Barry felt powerful in a way he hadn’t before. It still wasn’t the same as a sword but it was satisfying. When he broke them out during a fight with Adam he seemed impressed and that had never been an easy thing to do.

Normalcy perhaps wasn’t the best word to describe any part of Barry’s life. But as Summer came flowing in his life seemed to gradually shift into something like normal and Barry grew comfortable with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have one chapter left to go. And yes its the one everyone's waiting for. There will be a gap between the end of this fic and the posting of the next in this series. I like that I finished the entire draft of this one before I posted it works for me so I think I'll continue with that. For you guys that means a wait. In the meantime you can chat me up on tumblr http://freeandrestlessboldandreckless.tumblr.com/ for particular reasons I prefer that people use my main blog when sending prompts/requests. I'll also still respond to comments on here.


	22. epilogue October 10, 2012

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Starts working on a forcefield* I just wanted to start by saying thank you to everyone who toughed this story out and left comments and kudos. You guys are awesome!

October 10 was a strange day for Barry from the very beginning. Instead of waking up to an empty bed he’d had to disentangle himself from a still sleeping Ada . “He snores”. Barry noted in his tired haze of confusion and urgency. After making quick use of the bathroom he returned to his bedroom and just stared.

“You know instead of staring you could come over here and give me a good morning.” Barry rolled his eyes but still smirked waiting for it to set in for Adam.

“Wait. I slept here last night?” Barry just raised an amused eyebrow the ‘you don’t say’ was silent.

“Damn that was one hell of a night. Still think I need an encore though.” So apparently weren’t going to discuss it. That was fine with Barry but he still really needed to start getting ready for work as he had an early shift. He almost told Adam to borrow something from his closet before realizing that was way too close to a boyfriend thing and instead “I gotta get ready for work but feel free to do whatever.” Barry went back to the bathroom and hopped in the shower. He’d stopped overthinking their thing a while ago and it made it all easier. There was no joining him in the shower but when he ventured out after getting dressed he found a still shirtless Adam cooking waffles. It was an odd but not unpleasant sight. It didn’t give him butterflies or whatever but it was comfortable. He made himself extra comfortable sitting at the table and watching Adam’s muscles ripple while he stirred eggs. No he couldn’t complain; the sight was almost enough to make him want to stay home from work but he didn’t.

He was late though, and as he rushed through the city just barely below the speed limit the hustle around hardly seemed worse than normal. Traffic is always the worst when you’re running late after all. The precinct was buzzing. Few people seemed to be getting work done and detective Lance was nowhere in sight. Something was going on but Barry couldn’t catch hide or hair of what exactly everyone was talking about aside from a few odd whispers that didn’t make sense in their scrambled state.

A part of him knew the moment he first made out the whisper of his name. But Barry ignored it as he often did when he heard that name. Still when someone eventually got up the nerve to flick on the TV.

The words were everywhere. “Oliver Queen alive.” “Oliver Queen returns.” Running across the screen and spewing from the reporters. Barry couldn’t hear much else, everything but those words drowned in the sea of rushing waves in Barry’s ears. The TV clicked off and the sound of the captain shouting for them to “Stop gossiping like teenagers and get back to work!!” snapped him out of it.

“Where’s Lance?” Everyone still standing near the captain answered with some variation of “I haven’t seen him.”

“Right here captain.” When Barry made eye contact, or tried as Lance wasn’t even looking in his direction, he saw a near perfect mask of calm. His usual sternness hid any hint of any other emotions.

“In my office.”

Later Barry would see detective Lance leaving with clear irritation on his face. By that time the blankness that had first overtaken Barry had been replaced by something else. He tried calling Tommy but all he got was voicemail. If he even knew where his phone was he was likely doing whatever he could to get in touch with the Queens. He couldn’t blame him. Barry wanted to talk to Oliver to. Though he hardly had the same kind of “greeting” in mind as Tommy.

“Crazy isn’t it?” Barry jerked up from where he was bent over to look at the other lab assistant who was speaking to him. “Kid being alive all this time. Hey you were friends with him right? I wouldn’t even be working if I was you, you’ve gotta be dying to get outta here right now.”

“It’s definitely surreal.” Barry pulled out a smile he’d used many times since becoming a Merlyn.

“You gonna go see him? I heard they took him straight to a hospital.”

“Oh yeah. First chance I get.” The other lab assistant was fully engrossed in their work. Otherwise they would have noticed the glint in his eyes and the way his hands clenched a little too tightly around the flask in his hand. As it was Barry took a second to gather himself and get back to work. He would get his chance to face Oliver in due time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay let me have it.


End file.
